And if not...

The hurting is less often....but when it hurts...

I bought this. long before the knowledge that I may never have a reason to display it was even in the back of my mind. It's been in my grandpas trunk for almost 7 years now.

I've never been one to buy baby items and keep them hidden away for that precious little one I would one day have. I've been tempted but I'm thankful now that I haven't. Yet I've kept what was mine...barbies, American Girl Dolls, and my childhood prized collection of original my little ponies all collecting dust (except the barbie house my daddy made which is a staple in my preschool classroom). And this...this one willow tree statue that I broke my own rule and bought...

I found it today in my grandpas trunk tucked away next to the ashes of my kitty Pharaoh who is waiting for us to own a yard in which to bury him properly. Both things beyond me now and a life marching on. 

After putting wishes and dreams on hold yet again this summer and fighting the feelings of just giving up on these wishes and dreams...today I know I am still holding on to God's Promises...and I know my hearts desires still live tucked away in a corner of my heart. They hurt me but I could not go on without them.  I know this because when I found this simple statue today my first thought was "someday" and if that's not faith than it's hope.

My heart hurts, but life goes on.

So now this statue sits in sight because its mine and I like it and one way or another it's a dream and its beautiful and I haven't given up. 

I hurt, I cry, sometimes I despair...though more often than not I'm okay...because I know as with all my prayers...

"And if not....God is still good." 

Honest with God...

A lot has happened this summer, and a lot I hoped would happen hasn't.

I'm not really sure where I stand on it all...

I'm not really sure whats next

We tried to buy a house....it didn't work out

It didn't work out. I've been struggling with those words with more in my life then just a house.

If you know me you know I have a strong faith. Or at least I give off the appearance of strong faith. When did this world take faking a smile and not complaining as proof of faith. "Oh she seems happy to me, Oh, shes never said anything to me" If we as Christians were a whole lot more open to the brokenness that is in this world, that is in our family, friends, and God forbid even you facebook, pintrest perfect life If we had a lot less look how perfect my life is... I think we would better be able to follow in the foot steps of the amazing men and woman of faith in the bible.

Why is it when a person reaches out in pain to a friend or a mentor that you very rarely get an acknowledgement of that pain. That it does indeed hurt to be in the situation you are in and it's okay to feel that hurt. Why is it when someone who believes in God with all their heart cry's out in anger and disappointment they are told "Have faith" or "God has plans" or "All in his time" I understand it's ment to be a comfort...Not these are bad things to say but lately I've actually been really annoyed and even angry when someone says them to me. I think we(myself included) all to often uses these simply because we don't know what else to say. Sometimes I think we should say sorry and let a person know they can talk to you about it. Or be honest and say I don't know what to say to help you but I am hear for you. Sometimes you don't have to say anything I'm to the point where I would appreciate an "that sucks" more then "God has a plan."

If everyone only knew how much I walk around telling myself God's got it....yes it's a good reminder but mostly I need to know it's okay to feel the way I'm feeling that Jesus understands and hears me in my pain. I think as Christians we are almost to anti-feelings that if you are upset you simply don't have enough faith in God's ability to take care of you and when you respond in the ways I listed above you quit possible add guilt and doubt to someone already dealing with so much.. I don't know about anyone else but when you are hurting for whatever reason...when something you thought was sure is suddenly seemingly impossible... When the next step just falls to pieces in front of you and you are left there with "whats next, when something you believed to be God's will that you had prayed over and mediated on only to have the doors slam shut in your face...... hearing that it's God's plan while  might be truth it's not really helpful.

What do you do when God has disappointing you?? Believe it or not, I think that means you need to get to know God better.

Moses was honest with God in his fear, and his doubt, and his weaknesses.

David was honest with God read the Psalms and hear his pain...and yes his anger...and through it all his hope. Always hope...Psalm 13...this hero,, this man after God's own heart wrote Psalm 13...

The only reason David could end this Psalm with hope was because he was honest in the first few lines.

So maybe when someone has a deep hurt, life changing disappointment maybe instead of saying "God has his plans" maybe ask them if they have said all of this to God. Maybe agree and say it sucks...We need to find a way to point people back to God without making them feel as if they are doing something wrong.

We need to be honest with God...like you are venting to your best friend type of honesty...and then you have to let him fill in that hole in your life with hope and trust. It's not going to solve the problem, it's not going to instantly change the crummy circumstances that is life.It's not going to instantly get you a husband, or a baby, or heal you..but it's a step to having a relationship with God unlike one you have ever had.

So if your hurting, or sick, or lonely, or watching life happen for everyone else....I just want to say that anger, that disappointment that question of why, that desire to scream and cry its not fair...

It's okay God can handle it let him have it. I've learned that keeping it in at least for me is not the solution. I hate to have people think I don't have enough faith in God. That i'm not praying and believing he will give me the desires of my heart because I simply hurt so bad in the moment. Or because I'm finding peace with the idea I may not get that desire...ever... it doesn't mean I'm not still hoping and praying and believing...it just means I'm living my life regardless of dreams that scatter and fall like rain.

A week ago I wanted to give up on dreams, and all that i hope for it just seems so.far.away. That's a lie when I started writing this post tonight I wanted to give up. I'm just done having drams and plans and goals and getting crushed. A lot of people go through big things and turn away...it's a pivotal moment in their life and I get that...I've even considered doing the same thing recently...

but that is not who I am, I was made for so much more and though I don't know what, or why, or when, and you may not either; I know that giving up is not an option it's just not who I am and you shouldn't either.

Don't make someone feel small because they hurt, or have doubts...don't make someone feel worse because they have feelings and emotions. Adults are more like children then we care to admit and our feelings need validation, and understanding just like the 4 year old who thinks someone is looking hat him funny, Even if you can't understand why this is a big deal to someone... it's incredibly real to them. Children, Adults we are all trying to survive in a world that is broken, filled with humans that are broken. We need to be honest and not make others feel bad for their honesty...We need to lift each other up carry each others burdens and pray constantly. So the next time someone vents to you about how unfair life is about how much they hurt point them to God and say "I love listening to you and being here for you but make sure you tell God all of this to" Tell someone to get real with God...

in nice words tell them
 Land sacks tell me
Shut Up and Pray.

Better yet...pray with them right than and there because sometimes when you hurt so big to the depths of your soul...praying is nearly impossible...

Amen.

Beauty redefined.

Hey Beautiful
Yes I'm talking to you...

You the young girl, teenager, college student, adult
You whether your're single, married, old, young....you who work all day in retail, fast food, daycare, farms, teaching, serving, cleaning, making....homework...you who have watched T.V. shows, commercials leafed through magazines, turned on your portable device.. driven down the road, and have been blasted with the Media infused idea of the beautiful woman. I mean seriously they even made a new Dora.....You who doesn't happen to be the 5%... and no amount of dieting, or new cloths will get you there.

You the average woman who have had children, miscarriages, stress, heart ache, ..you without money to pour into make-up and special designer and tailored cloths, diet plans, expects, personal trainers,   or even all healthy foods. You who simply do the best you can with what this broken and imperfect world has dealt you.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

fearfully and wonderfully made....knitted together in your mothers womb...fearfully and wonderfully made...

Just. Remember. That.

Remember it when you look into the mirror in the dressing room at the the dress you think is just beautiful but looks better on the hanger.

Remember it when you doll yourself up to go out clubbing only to be "out shown" by the younger, thinner, taller, curvier...More "American Sweetheart"

Remember also...

You are  not alone in your struggle. 91% of female are there with you...though I wouldn't be surprised if it were more like 100%

1. Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media.

(Apologies power went out and I lost the source...)

beau·ti·ful

ˈbyo͞odəfəl/

adjective

1. pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.

   "beautiful poetry"

   synonyms:

   attractive, pretty, handsome, good-looking, alluring, prepossessing;

Everyone wants to feel beautiful...everyone wants to be told they are beautiful...everyone wants to be treated accordingly. I'm fortunate to have a husband who reminds me often that he finds me beautiful though I am ashamed to admit that I often don't believe him and I let the lies and ideas of a woman's beauty" in this world control my words and thoughts about my appearance.  

It's not just adults who struggle with this obsession of being beautiful. It's in the conversation with a 12 year old telling her friends she absolutely has to wear make-up because with out it it's bad. It's in the conversation between a 9 year old boy and an 8 year old girl and he tells her It's okay shes not attractive anyway. The 8 year old response to my scolding the boy "It's okay Mrs. Leah, I'm use to it."  What damage have we done to our youth with our thoughtless negative comments about our bodies? What damage do you do to yourself with these negative comments. what damage has T.V. games, Movies, Internet done to us?

Advertising is Brain Damage....

I am blessed with beautiful friends, and beautiful things, we are blessed with beautiful places, art, nature, poetry, music... but the greatest, beauty of all is actually the Passion...the horrible,, bloody, Crucifixion and the amazing resurrection because it's not the outside that counted..it was what happened inside. Its what happens that people can't see where he washed us clean, where he went to Hell so we would not have to.  

I wish this world could re-define beauty. Beauty to me is the kindness I've seen in the world in my friends, in strangers. Beauty is in the laughter of a child, Beauty is in the tears of a friend who is crying simply because you hurt and words cant help. Beauty is the person who takes the time to ask are you okay? Beauty yes it's in the eye of the beholder but I think it's so much more. I think if children and adults are to overcome the media infused(Satan driven) idea of beauty they need to be a whole lot more willing to build others up, even strangers and a lot less willing to mock or tear them down.

When Satan uses the world to bring you down and hold you in bondage we need to go back to the bible and be reminded we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Beauty does not come from outward adornment but from within...A man might call you beautiful out of passion but it's more of a complement when you are called  beautiful out of love. As parents should, As friends can, As the right man does or someday will, and mostly as God does.

Beauty redefined in random senseless acts of kindness, compassion, and love. 

You. Are. Beautiful. 

Shine On.

Social Anxiety..

Nobody truly understands just what I accomplished or rather what God accomplished last night at my preschoolers graduation party...

No one with out social anxiety that is.

Definition:
Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people.  It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life.  It is chronic because it does not go away on its own.  Only direct cognitive-behavioral therapy can change the brain, and help people overcome social anxiety.

Triggering Symptoms

People with social anxiety usually experience significant distress in the following situations:

• Being introduced to other people
• Being teased or criticized
• Being the center of attention
• Being watched or observed while doing something
• Having to say something in a formal, public situation
• Meeting people in authority ("important people/authority figures")
• Feeling insecure and out of place in social situations ("I don’t know what to say.")
• Embarrassing easily (e.g., blushing, shaking)
• Meeting other peoples’ eyes
• Swallowing, writing, talking, making phone calls if in public

This list is not a complete list of symptoms -- other symptoms may be associated with social anxiety as well.

 Here is my list the things that make me shake, and short of breath and anxious, have panic attacks, cry, flush, feel sick...or be annoying to my friends and family...granted some of these make most people uncomfortable but does it render them useless or just make them uneasy??

* People waiting in line behind me, at a bank if it's not a quick in and out, at a grocery store , (I'm the one that if the isle is blocked I turn around and go around or somewhere else rather then say excuse me.) at an event if people are waiting to eat that I know need to get going(like at graduation last night.) Being in the restroom and knowing someone is waiting to use the it....Normal everyday activities, and situations that you can not avoid...if someone is standing behind me waiting I would rather say "don't worry about it I'll do it later and leave" than finish up and make people wait who might be in a hurry or getting annoyed with me. Even if i have a right to do what I'm doing and it's really not talking that long at all...

*Sending food back at a restaurant..I just don't do it, I just can't.

*Ordering over the phone

*Crowds in general

*If I know anyone is upset with me or don't like me for ANY reason. (makes my job rough sometimes when it comes to parents and teacher relationships...)

*When I mess something up (like CD's with pictures for my parents...)

*Public restrooms

*Standing up at a conference/church/staff meeting/movie... to go to the restroom in a room full of people sitting (hence I'm real good at holding it). Even when you are told at the start of the conference that you can go at anytime...(I've put garbage in my purse rather than stand up and find a trash can before).

*Asking for help at a store finding something

*Asking for the price of something at a yard sale (haggling for me is out of the question).

*Going to an event and not knowing where exactly I'm going/parking/what door to use....

*Small talk

*Addressing a crowed (Drama was okay I had lines) Being in front of people doesn't seem to bother me as much as being the only one talking to a group of people.

*Parties where I don't know everyone really really well.

*Parties I'm in charge of much larger then 6 people even if I do know them well.

*Phone calls...to someone I don't know really really well or at all. Nor can I talk on the phone if anyone is in the room with me. the fear of dialing the wrong number...Voice mail...nope.

*Working on projects in a small group where if i mess up i mess up everyone's grade/job/whatever/ committees its not that I don't want to do be on them or help....its just that I can't.

*Getting somewhere too early, or too late.

*Hosting anything more than a couple friends over to hang out...ever.

*Ice Breaking activities with strangers, small or large group.

*Being called on or singled out in class/ staff meeting.

*Resort vacations (lots of people) hence most of our vacations are camping/hiking.

* A host of other things I haven't connected yet that I do almost everyday.

As for my symptoms that's easy I just never knew so many of them were connected to such different situations...

discomfort
panic/ panic attacks
tears,
short breath/dizzy
headache
nausea
red face/ skin
withdrawing...
obsessing (for example I found out people don't like the way I dance and I can't seem to get over it and honestly dancing has not been as much fun in months because of it) its irrational and I know that but it's where I'm at.
An over whelming desire to hide...or leave...or not go. (these often win if I have a choice)
(I would not be surprised if my insomnia has something to do with this as well)

Sometimes at the end of a party like last weekend (actually last weekend went pretty okay...) or an event like last night's I'm so physically and emotionally drained from trying to hold myself together I'm basically broken.  God always get's me through...I don't know what I would have done last night without him...

I normally end up feeling like a bad friend because I say no to parties wither it be baby showers/31/Mary Kay or just a party...

I normally end up saying no when invited out to bars, or events...

I normally end up saying no..or I say yes when I'm invited on a good day but by the time the actually day comes around it's a bad one and I back out.

I normally ALWAYS feel like a bad friend to everyone.

Believe me I've been trying...I've gotten better at dealing with the feelings (they are not gone or at all better, I'm just better at dealing with them) Hence the party last weekend wasn't bad and that is an encouraging thought,  and in other cases like dancing it's gotten worse.

I think it's this that holds me back with my co-workers as well...I'm so socially awkward...it's painful both physically and mentally.

At cowboy up I'm good if it's not Sat but it took me darn near 5 years to even TRY to really get to know the regulars out there...6+ years... I missed out on 6+ years of some pretty wonderful people because well...because I'm me.

I found a thing on facebook that really got me paying attention to my triggers and why I react the way I do. I really liked it though the pictures were a little much. Yet these things are what I wish i could get my friends to understand...at least some of these things. It's not that i don't like you or want to spend time with you...its not even your fault it's painful.

I'm usually the one who sees anything buzzfeed and goes this is going to be awful/judgmental/or offensive. this one was okay. I click on any buzzfeed article with a critical eye and more often then not learn more from the comments then the article...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/dont-suggest-meditation-omg

I always knew I had social problems that I was at least awkward...but as time goes on I would not be surprised if I were diagnosed with moderate social anxiety disorder. In my research they say it can be diagnosed normally in adolescence but major symptoms show themselves in the early 20's right around the age I had my first panic attack. That it will more then likely progress and get worse...I also read that exposing yourself to the situations that make you anxious really doesn't help...

I'm not a big doctor person but if we ever get life figured out I may try behavioral therapy...until then I'll continue to learn my triggers prepare myself for the situation and trust in God to get me through when I fall apart just like he did last night when I almost started crying. I'm just really tired of feeling like a bad friend, an outsider at my job, and uncomfortable line dancing which is one of my favorite things.

Let's all hurt together.

I told myself I wasn't going to do this this year, write that blog. There are so many better blogs out there on this subject. So vastly better then the words stuck in my heart and the back of my eyes. But here I am, time is marching on to another Mothers Day weekend that dreaded second Sunday if May, and I'm writing that blog.

 It's a hard day, it's a hurting day, it's defiantly a struggle. No flowers, cards, or breakfast in bed for us. When you are even more painfully aware that desires of your heart have yet to be granted.  But we have to remember that it's not our fault, it's most certainly not the fault of the amazing mommies being honored. We have to remember it's no ones fault when you go to church, or out to eat and instead of standing up as a mother you remain seated with your head bowed blinking back tears. Instead of being handed a flower you force a smile and walk past...

You have to remember that it's okay...they deserve this...and it's not that you don't.

Because we do... We fight everyday with the lose of what is considered a right of passage for woman. Even if we still have hope and un-shaking faith that it will still change..we fight to keep even that hope. It's real and it's crippling...and on Mothers Day it's all but impossible.

So to the lovely lady in the back of the church, or sitting at a table with your family and their kids, or buying a gift for your own mommy, or even that single lady still waiting for Mr. Right. For all you teachers like myself, helping a classroom full of kids make a mothers day gift, knowing you don't have a child in a classroom making one for you... those with hurts and loses and empty wombs and shattered dreams. THIS IS FOR YOU....

WE are special,

God knows we're strong,  and we deserve to be honored. Hold your head up, remember; they deserve it and so do you. Remember this mothers day we have hope in a future no matter WHAT that future holds. The promises and blessings of Mothers Day are ours as well. Reach beyond yourself and encourage a mother, for they have their own set of hurts. Please, encourage yourself to acknowledge your emotions, the hurt, and please don't feel guilty for them because you are not alone in your pain. We are strong so often that now and then we are allowed to be weak.

Further more, all you lovely, blessed, mothers out there who do so much everyday with out any recognition often all alone. Enjoy your day, God knows you deserve it. Remember those of us who can only watch from the outside...On a day we often feel the most alone and forlorn...encourage us as you are being encouraged.

Because "in the shelter of each other we will live." lets build each other up, lets hurt in our own ways, and carry each others crosses. We are how we treat each other nothing more.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

I'm done being ineffective....

" Life as a Christian is one of constant repentance." ~Martin Luther~

A hard prayer to pray...

"Father, show me what I need to change to better reflect you"

This short, simple prayer can be one of the most powerful and painful prayers you pray.
Even if you think  you're doing great...

Things you need to know when you pray this prayer

1. He will show you your weakness, over and over again until you get it. through conversations, meditation, sermons, songs, other peoples trials, or even in the way other people treat you. If you don't get it fast...if you're not open to it..it will show in your daily life. In your peace or lack there of.

2. He will give you the strength to start to change it.

3. The change will not be complete over night, or in a week, or month, and so far in my case not even a year. I'm willing to bet not in a life time but you will notice changes as long as you consciously try.

4. Peace with yourself will come the instant you "get it" and start praying to change it

5. The same flaws have a way of showing themselves in different forms.

6 It hurts, it hurts your pride, it hurts your self esteem...but that hurt will make us better instruments for the Lords work, when we come to realize we are not any better than ANYONE else. A vine will not grow good fruit in perfect soil under perfect conditions. It must be pruned/stressed to bare fruit.

7. Don't pray this prayer if you don't want to change.

The first year I prayed this at the start of the year...I spent the rest of the year and am still learning just how selfish I am. Loud and clear in the still small voice in my head, in the moment after you said or did something selfish that caused me to pause. Selfishness.

The next year I prayed this and spent the rest of the year trying to be aware of my complaining. Which I soon discovered was rooted in selfishness, and so in other words I was still focusing on being selfless.

This year had taken me much longer than past years to get the answer. I'm sure I had it fast and just didn't listen to it or didn't want to, or because I haven't been as plugged into Jesus as before maybe my heart couldn't hear it. Boy do I have it loud and clear now. Guess what...that funk I've been in for near a month, is gone.

The verdict...Judging and guess what, it's rooted in selfishness.
Like I said, it's not a quick fix its a life long battle.

Now, if you are a regular reader you were probably like DUH most of my blogs this year have been about Judging. now I know to be aware of what I write about, it's usually pointing back at me.

So, whats next.
1. Find the cause, the triggers...In this case the negativity that surrounds me. Due to circumstances this fight could be much harder then if I lived in my own home. Is a large part of the reason I want my own place so bad.

2. Plug in. Spend time in prayer, and reflecting on God's word pray for the open mind and heart to understand what he wants you to do next. The  more I pray and reflect the more I get an idea of how to deal with it.

3. Do as he suggests (in my case nudges a little thought or idea) my first steps..Apologies, honestly this part terrifies me, because I have seriously done so much damage hiding behind self-righteousness. Boy does it hurt to admit that. However, often in life apologizing for being in the wrong is the only way to find peace. Even if the person doesn't forgive you. This time its mainly one person...I'm sure there are others but to start with I know it my heart its one specific person.

No one likes to feel judged and looked at. I'm sorry if I have ever made anyone feel such before. I struggle line dancing now, when certain people are there because I feel that they are Judging me. Knowing they don't approve of how I dance makes me uncomfortable and a little angry.
Is that how I make someone else feel? I sure want to stop if I do, but sometimes you get to a point where you're not sure how to fix it. You didn't even realize you were making them feel like that to start with, and they haven't said so at least not to you.

This is where trust comes in.

However, I know perfectly well I'm not to skirt away from the morals of my beliefs to make myself or anyone else comfortable. I have to stand by my beliefs I have to try to show them a better way, with out using those beliefs as a justification for bad actions and thoughts (as I have had in my heart.)  For judging someone else's life choices even when they go against belief isn't the right way to show them the way the truth and the life... because obviously NO one is perfect and obviously that is not love. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. 

I have no clue the inner working's of her heart, but I have a guild in God's word and a guess because, from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Our actions, our attitude our willingness to do the right thing selflessly, humbly, out of love reflects a heart anchored in the word. A reminder for everyone.

and just because you can't see it, or its not there at the moment doesn't it will always be that way.

 This does not make them a bad person, nor does this mean they would not be able to do the job elsewhere. This doesn't even mean we can't be friends or that they have no hope for their faith walk..It simply means they do not need to be in a position heading, or partially heading the churches main mission outreach based on where they are right now in their life. period. It's not personal it's a church thing.

Anywhere outside of my church I have no leg to stand on I understand that, I'm glad she works for my church if your're lost, or not sure, or don't know what to do it's a great place to start.

Nor do I have to show pity for someone dealing with the consequences of their poor choices, I also do not think they would want me to do that. It helps no one.  Show them Jesus yes, Love yes, encouragement yes, help yes, friendship yes...but pity no. Life is hard, and we all make choices and then have to live with them. Welcome to being an adult in a sinful and imperfect world. I know it sucks.

"This little light of mine...in the shelter of each other, we will live" I haven't been a very good shelter.

No more "why them and not me"...

No more silent condemnation, instead of showing Jesus love.

No more will these feelings and thoughts have any foot hold in me.

" I'm bankrupt without love"

I'm done being ineffective.

My Father the Gardner is pruning me so I can be productive in Christ.

Some bible verses that have been part of sermons the last few weeks that have played a part in bringing me to attention.

~Romans 11:18~
~John 15:1-8~

I'm broken....but I can mend.

You're prayers would be appreciated.

Hope for the Flowers....(a blog in stream of consciousness)

There's a monster inside me, inside all of us...

That, covets, worries, stresses, judges, rants,  raves, complains, and yells "ITS NOT FAIR"

God and it's so so right..
.its.just.not.fair.

some-days this monster hangs out right in plain sight;
                                                                 in tears, and yelling, and anger and bitter words...
Most often you can only see the monster in someone's eyes, mannerisms, or empty stare..
Sometimes it sneaks around manipulating people, taking advantage and sucking them dry.

other times you can't see it at all,

this does not mean it's not there, it's just sleeping lurking..
                 or pouting because he's being ignored.
and plotting..

.always plotting

calling on its advocates Satan and his demons laying in wait like a roaring lion waiting to devour you and me...

And this monster in any form, oh this monster can destroy lives, and bring down empires...

and demolish hope.....

Hope for the flowers, and the caterpillars, and the people...Hope in the general goodness of mankind...

Lately this monster has been riding me hard... real hard...fighting back...kicking me when I'm down...mocking me... trying to sever the last thread tying me to anything stable and good,

mocking
mocking
mocking
 me

with what I don't have, what I want, what I can't have... never letting me focus for more then a moment on what I do have and what effect I can have on the world where I'm at. from the over flow of the heart....your mouth speaks.

smell your flower....blow out your candle...breathe...

no amount of crying, no amount of whining, can make me whole with demons in the back of my mind.

Praying.
.now that's a different weapon...when that weapon is a habit...
it. will. be. deadly.

This is not my home..where monsters roam, and leap and roar...

I feel so far away....

hanging on by a thread...but it's enough...

because if there is hope for the flowers...then there is hope for me and you and them.

my thread is connected by a prayer...

and though I don't see it, I can't feel it and often I have a hard time believing it... the shelter of each other is there.  The promise of a lifetime remains..

I'm not sure
       what this was,
                 or is,
                    or will be...

but there it is.
I've got broken wings....

but

                                                     
                                                      Love Wins.