It's been forever. Over the last year I have written so many of these out on paper....about politics, faith, friendship...none of which I'm brave enough to share. But this...this is something I've been struggling with sorting out since October. This is something I am learning about my daughter that is re-defining my entire life. All the little "things" about me make so much sense and my entire childhood feels justified. I mean life changing process all brought on by learning my daughter is highly sensitive. This is my first and clumsy attempt to process all of it...
Tonight I can’t sleep. As I lay here in bed anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted from the business of the past few days. Worried about all the things moms worry about and have absolutely no control over. As I scroll social media and see all the parents being awesome and giving their children all the experiences (which may or may not turn my child into a screaming or withdrawn puddle).and if I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed from the last week. Her screaming all afternoon is all the proof needed that We BOTH need a down day or 2 and a solid night of sleep.
I don’t know how to explain exactly what my child is in therapy for and with no one else I know personally dealing with this, it's been a struggle. When I try to explain, I fall short because I don’t understand it yet myself. Or I’m met with a look of disbelief or skepticism because my child is so “normal/good/quiet”...and it’s not something widely known like Autism. Despite an online community, I feel alone. As if my child is the only child like this and no one understands because they can’t. Consequently as I am 100% sure I have exactly the same thing a lack of understanding makes me feel personally even less understood then I’ve always felt.
Those that think nothing is wrong with my child, are correct, there is NOTHING “wrong” with my child. Just as there is nothing wrong with a child who has autism, downs, or any other sort of thing that makes one different. It’s been a lot to take in and navigate while I’m already trying to take in and navigate being a mom. Simultaneously, I’m trying to change my personal narrative about my past and my anxiety...with this new knowledge of myself and how my brain is wired. It’s reliving childhood events that have had a lasting (negative) impact on me...and realizing “I truly couldn’t help how I felt, acted, or responded. Forgiving myself and others.
I am not flawed, wimpy, shy, a cry baby, or what I heard most “too sensitive” neither is my child.
We are not TOO sensitive, we ARE sensitive.
I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) my daughter is a HSC ( Highly Sensitive Child)
Sensitive is NOT a bad word, it’s not something that needs bashed, ignored, or scolded out of children. The stigma around it especially for males who are also HSP needs to end.
How do you explain that she’s in therapy to help learn how to best use and manage her super power when “therapy” is stigmatized as something only needed when something is wrong?
She’s in therapy so she doesn’t have to navigate her first stimuli induced panic attack in her 20s alone like I did....maybe she will even have the tools to NOT have them at all. (Shout out to my college friends who talked me through, walked with me at all hours of the night, during my first and following attacks.) To those who let me talk obsessively as my body and brain tried to figure out the what and why of this seemingly new experience (revisiting childhood anxiety/sensitivity has always been there it just manifested itself differently at this age.) Those friends, who for the first time in my life didn’t see me as too sensitive, too much to deal with (a more common problem now) but as a person as I was. I truly miss you and am truly thankful you were/are part of my life even if life has moved some of us apart. (Katie, Jasmine, Amy, Laura, Dan, Kevin.)
I wish for my daughter's personal narrative to be different. She will always be sensitive (no amount of OT will change that nor would I want it to) that sensitivity will give her a larger capacity for love, empathy, intuition, understanding, creativity...And like all super powers it will have the opposite challenges...she will feel every little thing to the very core of her being...and her brain will process it differently for all her life. Rain drops may feel like thorns, 4 people in a room talking simultaneously may sound like a stadium of screaming football fans, hurts may feel like the world is ending, she willnot only feel her pain, but friends, animals, and strangers pain...and she will know that it’s okay to feel and to feel intensely, She will know she is loved, who she is, why she is, and ultimately her ability to feel will push her through to the calm. If therapy can give her the tools, and ability to become her best self I am grateful for it. I can give her the love and understanding.... By learning to love and understand myself.
When I was a child there was no research on this topic (and there is still not a ton)...I was blessed with loving, amazing, parents who did their best for me. I really did have a great childhood, do not let this take from that...but my narrative suffered because in a way I was never understood. Being a sensitive child I picked up on the unspoken and sometimes spoken idea that I was too easily upset, hurt, scared, shy...and by deduction something was wrong with me. Those elementary/middle school thoughts and experiences carried through to adulthood and my first panic attack did nothing but strengthen my narrative that I am broken, wrong, flawed. That is the personal narrative I am on a journey to change all while trying to give my daughter a safe space to form a more positive one.
As an older child I did not cry over everything because I wanted attention. Believe me the embarrassment of crying often made me cry more. As an adult it’s still just the same but over time I have found ways to hide or hold it back a bit better (sometimes) I warn all new employers that I do and I will cry at the very hint I’ve done something even slightly wrong. doesn't matter if they are mad or not.
As I’ve already been working on viewing my anxiety as a part of me but not defining me. To learn the WHY behind it is so healing. Now I just have to stretch my work to redefine my anxiety to redefine my past in the lens of HSP.
I am forever, unapologetically sensitive and that sensitivity as a child manifests itself in forms of meltdowns overwhelm and sometimes anxiety and as an adult in anxiety. So much of my energy is used just trying to process stimuli, the emotions of everyone around me, let alone any of the other senses dealing with smells, sounds, sights.... Friendships are hard as I try to avoid confrontation something that often needs to happen to strengthen friendship...and it’s another thing I’ve faced and reckoned with this year. I am intense...if you can’t handle it be straight with me about it. Either way I will hurt, I will cry, and while I won’t hold it against you I will probably step back...because I have limited energy to put into friendship and it HAS to be worth it.
My daughter will still have to deal with mean kids, broken friendships, and trials, and she will feel it all much more intensely then most of her peers...but she will know there is NOThiNg “wrong” with her for feeling more.
So when my toddler has what to you looks like a typical toddler tantrum... just know that while it may sometimes be, often it isn’t. I am not spoiling or babying my child. I’m trying to hold her hand (provided it’s a day light touch dosnt hurt her) through the storm because, I lose my shit often as a HSP and I have had years of practice and time to develop some coping skills along the way. She’s learning this now, as all toddlers have to, but with an extra layer of “feels” thrown in.
So I’m in my bed, doing the mom thing. Because what helped her today won’t help her in the tomorrow. What she couldn’t get comfortable in yesterday, maybe just fine tomorrow...warm food will always be too hot and large vehicles passing will make her duck and cover, visitors/outings may or may not overwhelm her, and my kissing her cheek could very well make her say ow and cry. And the one thing for certain is. I won’t know how to help her and will spend so much time guessing...it’s exhausting.
I’m Leah, some have known me for my whole life, some have known me for half of it, some have known me for far less.
It’s taken 34 years but I am unapologetically Leah, my brain is wired differently than yours. It’s more than being introverted, shy, or anxious in crowds.
I will somehow help my child to be unapologetically Elowen... before the age of 34. It's figuring out how to do that, that's what is keeping me awake tonight. The lack of community I have felt in motherhood, exacerbated in a pandemic, has grown even more navigating a HSC diagnosis...and feeling it all 100X stronger than most others while I’m at it. Maybe this is my first crude attempt to help others understand. I’ll try to share some links that explain more and better. You can also google Dr. Elaine Arons highly sensitive person questionnaire. She also has written a couple of books that I highly recommend.
The Highly Sensitive Child | Psychology Today
Understanding highly sensitive children - Focus on the Family
