Completely Normal Chaos.

I think my new normal is broken.

an awareness of the brokenness of this world. Whether it's residing in myself or in the everyday people I interact with.  If it's in a conversation with a frustrated child, or a frustrated adult the basic feeling is the same. "what is going on, why can't I get you to understand...how do I explain."

I'm not sure how to write this without showing the complete breakdown and lack of faith I have in...well everything. My choices I've made and the ones I and my husband will have to make in the next half year or so. My faith in my ability to be okay with what life is....

because life just is.


My whole life has been a battle against loneliness self imposed, imagined, or circumstance, and depression.

Broken.

Right now the loneliness isn't so much a physical obvious thing, I'm obviously not alone, an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and even my friends. But a loneliness in my walk of faith, and my walk in life. Where I'm at exactly is hard to define...It's not single and looking and it's not married with children (Everyone my age around me falls into those two categories).  It's not on fire for God, and it's not a complete lack of faith...it's like a distance that could be fixed by picking up his word....but no desire at all to do so....and no encouragement in sight then what I can try to find deep down in me...somewhere.

I'm scared.

This last week broke me. Like way more then I wanted to admit. It broke me emotionally and spiritually. I've spent the last 5 days in a funk (I started crying Friday when a rock hit my windshield and cracked it all the way across) My husbands reaction "it's just a windshield" but by then after a failed bible study and friends backing out for hanging out ...it was just to much. I'm trying to figure out just why one thing not working out could set up such an alarming and out of control spiral...I'm leery of writing because I don't want to make anyone feel bad because I know life just is...Life just happens completely normal chaos.

I miss community group...and I know that even that is changing...

I'm so empty, its just echoing in my head empty empty empty like racket ball in an empty racketball room...which is bad bad bad because with that much empty space in my heart and soul who knows what could fill it up. Where did it go? How did I not know until it was gone? How do I make anyone understand... It went with wherever my desire to try to start a bible group went...crushed under busy schedules, children, and marriages. It went wherever my church went...slowly stripping away my desire even to TRY to work on my personal walk with God. It's that lapse on my end this crippling defeat that has emptied me.  For I am to fill myself with Godly things and let my mind dwell on them...

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" ~Psalm 37:4~

At last the truth: my bible study didn't happen because it wasn't the time...my heart isn't right so how could I have expected to do that. Maybe i hoped it would help me get back on track. I don't know. I feel silly for even trying when it's so clear now...this is not the time. I'm so desperate for something anything...fellowship...worship...

I'm. not. Alright.

isn't life...

I could blame so many many things on this fall out with God. I could blame my church, I could blame my pastor, my husband for not being a spiritual lead, my friends for not making the time, the fact that I can't have children...

When it comes down to it though, It's all on me, my choices of what to do with my time, my heart. It was all I could do to make myself go to Church on Sunday. Sometimes I wish I had never EVER stepped foot into St Marcus...it hurts still over a  year later to think about that church I cried yesterday for missing that church. But what do I miss? God's word is still being spoke here in Dowagiac...ah but it's so much more....here it's so much less...here it's stale...stagment...broken.

Depressed. Let Down.
Defeated.

I'm not proud of this post and it has taken me days to get the courage to evaluate myself this much to write it... I'm frustrated because I know all the right words. God has a plan, God's got it, yet it seems so

Empty.

I need some time with God and a mental vacation (t-mac) and have no desire to try to make it happen. I'm so blessed in life it's unbelievable...yet here I am.

what next.



~I don't want you all to think I'm miserable I really am for the most part okay with life..but the one thing that I stand on ..that solid rock..right now my sinful nature is shaking me...and I'm terrified I'm going to lose the battle...and when you start questioning your faith in what basically makes up your being..well it's a little overwhelming to handle. I've gone through "droughts" in the past with my walk with God...but this feeling of defeat...this lack of passion is new...unsettling.. and not okay. ~

Why can't we share something that isn't even ours?

Rude.

Sometimes I think we all are to quick to judge someone as rude.

Today, I got to go get some pretty amazing pictures. Now, I don't really consider myself a photographer but I really do enjoy taking pictures. Specially of things in nature. I think in this way me, you, and the professional are all the same.

However, it's people like the people I pissed off today taking this picture...that make me never want to try to make it a serious hobby....

So picture behind me 4 fancy photographers, with their high end clothing and super amazing cameras and big obnoxious tripods...ALL of whom hear me approach behind them know I'm standing there waiting trying to take a picture behind them (with out them in it... does anyone know how short I am?) I even checked to see if I could go on the other side (I couldn't). this was 6 feet away from me and one step down....angled down all the way.

I knew I could avoid 3 of the cameras but the one was questionable so I waited and when he moved away from his camera I went through. At any point, the approach or the almost in the way,the guy could have said, "Could you wait a second it's shooting a video and will be done in such and such time." Because seriously how was I suppose to know you would take a video of something that won't move. At no point did these guys ask if I would like to pass, or get a picture.

Instead, when I start realizing the guy is mad I hear him saying, "aaaaaand she's in my shot" and his buddy saying "did someone get in your picture" with the response "of course I was filming" followed by "that's rude." (did I mention I was the only other person around??) So hear I am being called names literally behind my back trying not to start crying. Because everyone who knows me knows I can NOT deal with people being upset with me for any reason even complete strangers.

 Here I am though this little nobody with my little Glorified Nikon Digital Camera..trying to get one picture and get back to her husband who is waiting back further and out of the cold. One picture without someone in it...God forbid I have the same rights as someone with training and fancy equipment. So I take my picture fast and shaking because I'm upset and now I have to turn around and go back through...the humiliation... why do I always feel so guilty?? My mind racing, do I talk to them, do I apologize does it even matter? God I wish I could have jumped in that freezing lake and froze to death. 

Of course I say "sorry, I didn't realize you were filming." and his response "Well that's why you need to ask" Then I made some sort of joke about being short and got a" yeah I know what you mean from a different guy." and left. It wasn't worth saying you could have asked me to stop. You could have acknowledge my existence...it wasn't wroth telling them how bad I felt they didn't care. I walked just as far as they did on a pier covered with nothing but ice, I climbed over ice walls and I was freezing just like them. When you are on a pier that's not even set up for pedestrians covered with ice surrounded by freezing water there really are not to many options of taking a picture somewhere else. 

(I and they were standing on a spot more narrow then even this covered with just what you see in this picture)

I know now to ask instead of wait for a turn because I guess sharing and letting someone pass isn't an option anymore. I will some how face my fear of speaking to strangers (even in stores I hate saying excuse me to get through I tend to turn around and go another way). I'm just broken like that.  I tried hard not to be rude, and failed. Which makes me think, how many people have I called rude wrongly?? You never know the thought process a person might have had before doing what could be considered a rude action.

I hope those men got their shot eventually and I bet it will be WAY more amazing then my pathetic attempt at a picture. I really was sorry albeit angry as well.

So worth the trip.

Also, another thing I have found in my picture taking hobby (if you could call it that) some people get really mad when you take a picture from the same spot they are? They found the spot first and no one else should get to take the picture. How many people have stood there before you? I don't get it, when taking pictures of something that really anyone can see if they want to how can you get mad when people get the same picture as you?? Why does it matter? I'm seriously curious about this I've had people down right mad at me for taking a picture they took...

I love the things I get to see in this world, and God's power is truly apparent in it always. He made if for everyone...why is it so hard to share something that isn't even yours?

end rant.

LOOK UP!!

After that last downer...

Real fast some clarifications.

1.  I have no doubt that foster care/adoption is going to be amazing. I was the child (and some of my oldest and dearest friends will attest to this.) That most of my "lets pretend" time I was an orphan or running and orphanage...So yes when I say it's not the same as actually carrying a child to term I simply mean it's not the same not that it's going to be any less rewarding or that I can't love an adopted child just as much. It's just different.

2. I have no doubt God has a plan and as loving the reminders are it's honestly getting to the point where it's making me crazy. I know God has a plan and my guilt comes in that the just knowing that doesn't help ALL the time. Most of the time yes but not all. I am human I'm working on it.

3. I love each an everyone of you who read this blog and love me regardless. Thank-You all so much for the support the love and the prayers.


Now, onward Christian Soldiers. To a totally different topic.

It's amazing to me how some "Christians" just get it so so wrong. It's amazing to me how some "non-Christians" get it so wrong. This world as the bible says will get worse but I honestly feel like it's falling apart around me. People are crazy,

We are so selfish, so full of entitlement so sold on this everyone is right, has a right is a God, can be your own God philosophy. So FREE.

Free to judge
Free to speak
Free to take law into your own hand
Free to trample anyone who dears to think different
Free to do whatever the hell you want.

It's in these Freedoms we have lost

Our ability to love
Our ability to listen
Our ability to feel safe in our communities
Our ability to consider others thoughts and opinions, and by doing so learn and grow and if you find yourself in the wrong...change.
Our ability to share, have compassion, and build something better for our children.

I'm so tired of being slapped in the face because I'm a "Christian" Living in a world where the term "Christian is almost a swear word, sneered at. Then before I can get truly mad, some one, calling themselves a "Christian" proves the worlds point we are a laughing stock.  How do you fight ignorance with more ignorance? How do you spread Gods word at all if you are only looking out for yourself? If you are to busy judging someone else...

This whole world needs to take a step back and chill out. Shut off the news, sign out of facebook, set your phone down....LOOK UP.  We think this world is better this progress is so grand. Look I can have anything I want at the click of a button. I can get the answer to any question with a snap of my fingers. I don't have to talk to another human for DAYS if I don't want to even if they are in the next cubical, the next room or the same room. I also don't have to be able to use my reason, common sense, or form my own opinion on any subject. It's all there plastered on the internet blaring out of the T.V.

Zombies.

I'm drowning. I don't know about you, but this world where everything is instant makes me tired. Yet I'm just like you... on my Ipad, on facebook, plugged in looking down and losing...losing what? When the world is so broken instead of searching for the beauty that is still there I hide in an endless parade on my newsfeed liking pictures Pining my life one click at a time all the while missing...missing out on laughter, nature, the pride in working hard.. and worst of all my walk with God.

Always choosing to see the good side of everyone's life and feel bad about my own. Or rolling my eyes at another post from that person about how BAD there life is. At least they are willing to admit it's not perfect....I'm ready to reclaim my soul...

We are a sleepless world, twitching, over stimulated, diluted....all in the name of progress.


Advertising if brain damage

P.S. I hate Fox News.

Okay I'm done talking now, I'm going to sign out. No more placing my guilt in front of me with ANOTHER baby picture on my facebook. It's not your fault at all I would probably do the same thing...It's mine for not being able to deal with it...so I'm happy for everyone one I love you all...but I can choose to stop looking and wishing...and hurting unnecessarily. I can't seem to stop comparing my life to others especially those with children and houses and seemingly more put together lives...

I've got a lot of guilt but this is one area I can start in controlling it.  Because they are doing nothing more then sharing....It's not their fault they are happy...

I know it's NOT what it seems and I'm not saying my life isn't good right now in this basement next to my husband on a computer. Warm, sheltered, feed, loved, and entertained. No I need to learn to be content in every situation and if flooding my eyes and brain with other peoples lives isn't helping me personally then maybe I need to LOOK UP!! Take my own advice....

save my soul.

In a world full of short cuts and instant...you would think I would have heaps of time to spend in God's word. You think we all would... Yet I don't. I haven't in a while...

So ask yourself where is all that time saved going?

who is it helping.

LOOK UP!! if not at your world around you then to the heavens to his glory. AMEN.

I plan to.

I CHOOSE TO BE FREE!!

(end note, I'm not deleting my facebook..just going to try to step back....TRY being the key word)

Too much guilt.

What about Grandchildren?

What about the responsibility to give your parents grand children? What about the feelings of inadequacy because your brother has been able to and you haven't and not from lack of wanting to.

I tell you there is a HUGE difference between not wanting children and not being able to have them. When I feel guilty because I know my mom wants more grand children and the pain in my heart as I told my mother in law that she might not get them from us either. It's like some how it's my fault or my husbands fault.

Now, here is where I'm at and I'm also struggling with inconsistent feelings toward our whole situation. Not sure if this is normal but it ranges from pure relief I don't have to go through pregnancy, that I don't have to have my children grow up and worry that they may trample my heart.

To complete and utter anguish because I won't know a mothers love, I won't see a little of me in a child that is mine, I won't hear my own child say I love you mommy, I might never be called mommy. The things in life that matter children to live for....

Enjoying almost to much the freedoms that come with not having children traveling, last minute plans,

I'm sorry this post is a bit sloppy....it's a true representation of my heart and brain...

Trying to sort of if its selfish of me to think along the lines of: if I don't have children by the time I'm 30 I don't want to have them at all. I don't want to be pushing 60 when my last kid is 18. I don't want to have a baby when all my friends are done. Yet I feel guilty because shouldn't it be God's choice and if I have these feelings why do I cry when someone else is pregnant. This flood of new babies this month is just crazy and it hurts so so bad. Whats up with that? I'm always so happy for them and at the same time so sad inside....is that sadness wrong or if I didn't have that sadness would that be wrong?

Sometimes what you want isn't what you get. I wanted to have babies early and for lack of a better way to explain it experience the love, the joy, the pain and get it over with. It didn't work like that and I have to face the very good possibility it wont happen at all ever.  Yes we plan to foster and maybe adopt...but it's not quit the same thing not the same experience. My husband and I may never get to see what a product of both our genes could be like.

Holidays are rough, guilt it rough,

I feel guilty for not having children. I feel guilty for being so upset that I don't have children. I feel guilty for making my husband feel bad when I do get upset. I feel guilty those time I feel relief I don't have children. I feel guilty because Im upset and therefor must not be trusting God enough. I feel guilty for setting an age limit. I feel guilty for not giving grandchildren to our parents. I feeling guilty for hurting when someone is pregnant (Not because they are having a baby but because its never more clear that I'm not). I feel guilty when I don't want to go to another baby shower or a friends child's birthday party. I feel guilty for thinking about the things I can do because I don't have children. I feel guilty for feeling so gosh darn selfish I even feel guilty for feeling guilty......Lets face it that is a lot of guilt.

Too much guilt.

Some couples are to the point in their childless journey to want to spend time with their friends kids. Though I think I am FINALLY in the last month or so there I'm not so sure if my husband is. I think I would love to steal my friends kids for a day let them have a day off and pretend they are mine.  I think I would love to go to their house and make cookies with their kids..Somehow I think I need to figure out how to have kids in my life outside of the classroom. I'm planning on trying it when my husband has more time after grad school.  I think it will be easier when we have a place of our own to spend time with kids. So you friends of mine with children that want a day off be aware because in 6-8 months I'm coming for your children!

Everyday is a step closer to if not acceptance then peace. Every day is a struggle and a battle, and every time I feel my husbands love, my friends support, and God's touch. I am thankful to have feeling at all. I'm thankful in the struggle and tired of the war. I'm not sure how to shake the guilt but I'll keep trying and moving along. Because in the loss of a dream in the face of a broken world. Hope and each other are all we got.

March on my soul,, be strong.