I'm tired.

Depression.

A word...a companion for as long as I can remember...
winter a trigger.

I haven't written a post..because I don't think I can without whining.

at the same time I haven't picked up my bible
or my prayer journal

because....
because why?

Because I'm depressed...because I haven't been feeding my soul...which makes me depressed.

Maybe depressed is the wrong word...I'm just off, meh, blah...

How is it my husband is so wonderful? How is it he never complains, cries, or even gets angry? All he does is work, school, internship, homework...and he doesn't complain. Yet here I sit complaining cause I don't get to see my husband, crying because I miss St. Marcus, upset because there is no room for anything in this house. How is it my husband is so much better at dealing then I?

 I've spent the last 3 days with family and it's been great...but I'm exhausted. 

Im like a child, I get over stimulated and then I break down. 

where is my armor of God? how did I let myself become so sloppy in its upkeep?

I'm tired, tired of money, tired of feeling like I shouldn't have the feelings I do about things and not being sure how to go about dealing with them. I'm tired. Im weak, I'm worn.

thank God even though I have starved my soul...

I am safe in Gods arms.

I pray for all the things in my heart, I can't share, I can't say. I pray..and the spirit knows..

come Lord Jesus.

Amen.

Give Thanks with a Grateful heart,

It's November, and if your on facebook much at all I'm sure you have seen the never ending parade of I'm thankful status. It's a wonderful idea but why are status not reflecting our gratefulness all year around? Why do we have to drown our news feed in them for one month a year?

"Oh give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good." Psalm 107:1

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say it again..rejoice" Phil 4:4

"For this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118;24
doesn't really give you much room for being upset, angry, or for complaining does it.


Oh sure, I'll throw a status on facebook, "Thank you God for my husband"...and I'll turn around to my co-worker and complain about how I hardly get to see him or, how he didn't do the one thing I asked him to do..where is my thankfulness then? Is it just a show for the masses...look how great my life is, how good and thoughtful of a person I am. Is it a true reflection of your heart. Boy.I don't know about you, but I'm not very good at being truly grateful.

Actually I'm rather wretched at it. It's personal battle this past year especially with the lose of pets and the hard to digest news...it's rather easy for me to get down. Regardless of the fact I'm close to my family again, I get to line dance again, I got to see fall in the country. It's hard to be truly grateful and it's even harder when you have to extend that gratefulness to another. To be happy for somone getting what you want....

"I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you ant not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.": Jer 29:11

Ah hope...even when I struggle to be like Paul "content in all my circumstances" (He could do that in prison and I can't do that with where I'm at..seriously)...even when I hurt others with my complaining and anger, and sometimes even my tears...even when dreams seem to be lost forever...Hope lingers..hope lasts..Hope is ageless expectation. Hope in a future...Hope Hope Hope.

REJOICE

Actually today was a hope filledday...sometimes a simple conversation with someone you hardly know can heal a hurt inside...just to know that they understand they have dealt with the feelings of hopelessness anger...disappointment as well, the knowledge you are not alone. Yes hope...

with ageless expectation, I wait for what I want, I hope for what is promised, and I trust the plans God has for me. Even when life is rough...It doesn't matter what anyone says, it will boil down to what God says..who are you to complain?

So it's November and everyone is thankful....and Thanksgiving is a wonderful reminder to be thankful for what we have...but one month out of 12...

There has got to be more to it then that...God is bigger then this, he is larger then life...and I'm going to try to be more grateful every day of my life...because..It's good to be alive.

Wait Patiently....

BE STILL AND KNOW....

wait patiently...have you any idea how many times the bible says this? Have you any idea how impatient I really am? How impatient this whole society really is? We have children who never wait for anything..and it is reflected in class even in three year olds. I often catch myself when frustrated with a child who doesn't understand that he/she has to wait thinking....why can't they wait it's not that hard...Oh but it is, it's so hard, yeah as adults we probably are not waiting for our turn with the toy camera or the blue paint. We see what we are waiting for so much more important then that...It doesn't matter if it's waiting for the right man, a new house, a move, a raise, a baby... in line at the bank, coffee shop, store. groaning and sighing in line because it's taking so so long and you don't have time for this...

It's true YOU don't have the time
It's.Gods.Time.
 ~
Everything you do, let it be done for the glory of God...so that people may see your good dead's and praise your father in heaven..

Chill.

20 times a day I tell my kiddos to chill, wait, calm down...and most days, I wish I had someone right next to me the whole time saying chill...

We are such children, we are so impatient, we are so broken.

We are so loved.We are so forgiven....
" I know that my redeemer lives" ~Job

BE STILL

We want the glory though, we want to act like we have it all together...so people thinking "boy does that woman have it all together" We want to take credit for a rise we got or a job we got...or even doing a job well...we want the credit..but it's not your's to have

Whatever you do...do it for the Glory of GOD...

We all want to be hero's, but no one want's to pay the asking price. No one want's to wait in line for anything...just breath...Oh, I'm so impatient..

Lord, help my unbelief...

I'm sorry...I'm sorry.

Lamentations 3:26

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

1. Psalm 37:7
   Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
   Psalm 37:6-8 (in Context) Psalm 37 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
2. Psalm 40:1
   [ Psalm 40 ] [ For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. ] I waited patiently for theLord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
   
   
   1. Romans 8:25
      But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
      Romans 8:24-26 (in Context) Romans 8 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations
   2. Hebrews 6:15
      And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was 
      promised.
      
      
      
      
      
      

Be Still

Psalm 46...

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Last week I got to hear my friends unborn child's heartbeat...at around 11 weeks...only 11 and you could hear a heart beat and much earlier sometimes. Don't tell me it's not a living thing...don't tell me abortions are okay..

I think it should be a law that woman have to hear the heartbeat before they can get an abortion....

I thought I was okay...

I've been emotionally messed up ever since...it was such an amazing wonder of God...that heartbeat...inside someone...

what if I never know what that is like? 

I thought I was okay...

Sunday was reformation and with reformation comes Psalm 46...I've read and re-read and heard this psalm so many many times..but truly it is a powerful Psalm...

in the same breath we are standing in awe of God and in the next we are to be still to know that very same God. Oh it's such a comfort to read this psalm in such time's as these...as Facebook and media rub the sin of this world in your face. As the very laws and morals of our Lord are scoffed at and ignored..mocked...

We have Psalm 46 and Luther had a right to cling to the Psalm...to battle on when church and state wanted him dead. For we will not fear though the earth give way .. though laws pass that slap our faith our beliefs in the face...The God of Jacob is our Fortress...

I thought I was okay...

I miss St. Marcus... but God is everywhere...

I need only be still.

Thank-you God for the comfort in your word.