Not Forgotton,

To those still in the struggle on Christmas Eve.

In a season full of joy and often a focus on children it’s hard. A season that focuses on a blessed mother and a little baby....It’s hard to sit in church it’s hard watch your friends and relatives children open gifts. It’s hard to find joy at another pregnancy annoucment another Facebook family Christmas photo post. It’s hard and it hurts and it sucks and though that part of my journey is behind me I know it’s not for so.many.

So let’s go back to the hope that was born into this world. Let’s hold to the promises and plans God has. Let’s remember  Christmas isn’t about that perfect family photo the best present under the tree or even about a child’s excitement. Christmas is about Jesus through and through. Not his mother not the fact he is a baby but the fact he is Jesus...

Jesus brought us hope and great joy, “for ALL the people” “tonight a savior has been born to you, he is Christ the Lord. “

I know your tired and you’ve been fitting this resentment, guilt, sadness, let downs, loss all year long...Christmas just piles on. You need to know it’s okay to be sad, never feel guilty for the hurt inside you...but I pray you find the peace and joy Jesus brings regardless. I hope your season passes just as this holiday season will. It’s my prayer that if your story turns out and all you ever have is hope in the end...I pray that Jesus’ endless hope lifts up your heart and brings you comfort in the wait. It is my prayer that the struggle encourages others who look at you and whisper “what makes them so strong?”  Even when you feel incredibly broken... May your weakest moments still show a glimmer of the hope you have in Jesus.

So this Christmas when you wake up to a silent house you can share a moment with your savior...if no one else.

The struggle will never be forgotten. Hope is never lost. You are stronger then you will ever know.
Have a blessed Christmas you are not alone.

Navigating Motherhood with Anxiety

I've been blessed, blessed with a child I was told wouldn't happen, blessed with a fairly easy pregnancy a very easy/short labor and delivery and fast recovery. I'm so far blessed with a fairly easy baby.

I'm blessed with a husband who goes above and beyond when it comes to helping and supporting and learning how to be a father.

I'm blessed with tons of support from family, friends, and doctors.

I'm blessed with a new house.

I have Post Partum Anxiety (PPA) a lesser known or acknowledged relative that often lives with Post Partum Depression (PPD). So lets talk about it.  I already had Social Anxiety a part of me I have been learning how to navigate in the last couple of years.

I've spent the last 2 years learning to listen to my body when it says "nope to much" or "time to go". I've learned to let go of the guilt I use to feel when I turned down invites or canceled plans last minute. I'm slowly learning my triggers, and learning to recognize when an attack is building. I've learned what yoga stretches help the most and breathing techniques. I've learned that my safe space is my house and it can often take days to recharge in order to face a social situation again. I've learned all of these things. I've been on and off medication. I prefer to be off.

I'm not always successful in managing anxiety. There are often social situations that can not be avoided, Sickness or sleeping issues (insomnia often a bi product of anxiety) that wear down my body making it more difficult to control. I've fought through multiple anxiety attacks, when it feels like my brain is trying to kill me. My husband has always supported me, tried to help me, even if hes not sure how.

Enter pregnancy hormones. The funny thing about pregnancy for me was how stable I felt emotionally for most of it as if my hormones were actually behaving when every expects them to go crazy. Sure right at the start I was a little stressed and fearful up until about 16 weeks (most would understand why) then around about 32 weeks the flood gates opened.

I guess 32 on forward is a very emotional time in pregnancy... It was when I realized that there was no maybe that my anxiety would be worse PP.

Enter my little tree. My tiny life altering anxiety inducing darling gift from God. Enter a whole new layer of fears and things to be anxious about. Enter PPA and sleepless nights, and a constant stream of visitors and parties...Enter mom guilt oh the mom guilt. I never nested, I couldn't breastfeed, I have to go back to work, I can't calm my child...I'm a bad mom. Learning to let go of guilt all over again. Not believing the lies in my head. After these past few days it may take a while.

I am at square one with PPA and Social Anxiety.

If I had this all to do over again I would insist on no overnight visitors until I invite them and then for no more than 5-7 days or less (subject to change) Seven days is really pushing it.  This is not because I don't want them around or don't love them...but because my house is my safe space,,,, if I can't recharge I, or rather anxiety will destroy the relationship. In fact the 5-7 day rule will probably be set indefinitely because I have learned that long term over night guests are a sure fire trigger which resulted in more than just myself feeling lousy.  Just piling on the guilt even when I know I had no control over it. Live and learn try to move forward. I've got medication again.

I will beat this. I pray my daughter doesn't inherit this.  Judging from the females in my family her chances of escaping some sort of anxiety is slim. Unlike myself if she does inherit anxiety I plan on helping her learn to deal from the very start. So shes not a 30 something year old looking back on her childhood and beyond going oh...so that's why I acted/felt like that. So she dosnt spend half of her life feeling like something is wrong with her and not knowing what.

My anxiety is not going away, there is no cure. I have hope that in time it will be closer to what it was pre pregnancy. I have hope that I can help my daughter if given anxiety as a cross to bare. That she will have learned to identify it and cope with it well before her mid 20's when it spikes. I have hope of mending relationships my anxiety has strained. I have hope that  the people close to me, and general society, will have a better understanding of what it's like to live with something you can't escape from. That they will know that even though a person looks perfectly normal and put together inside they are legit freaking out. That they won't take it personally if you break as a result of them, Because even while the attack is building and all the way through, your heart knows you're crazy yet you can do NOTHING to stop it. I have hope people will understand that these attacks happen to you for no reason other than your brain says too and makes it feel like you are going to die.

I am blessed with a husband who though he has made mistakes is always there for me even when my brain says hes not. I am blessed to know a God who loves and comforts me. I am blessed with a close group of amazing friends my anxiety has let in. I am blessed and broken and full of hope.

I will not apologize any more for what my brain does while freaking out.. I will not apologize for having anxiety. I will not apologize because this is who I am and I can only do so much to make others understand it's not really their fault and I do love them.

We all have our own issues in this broken world, we all have our own crosses to bare...but we can help each other even if it's just letting each other know we forgive them and we love them.

"Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" Ephesians 4:2

PPA is no joke, Regular anxiety is no joke...it comes with panic, shaking, muscle aces, upset stomach, dizziness, fear, embarrassment, and an overwhelming feeling of being completely alone with no escape other than riding it out. Leaving your so exhausted you feel like you can't move. It often takes days to feel somewhat normal again. Provided you have the ability to basically be a hermit. These are only a few of the things an anxious person deals with. Asking for help does not make you weak, medication/ counseling does not define who you are. Do not apologize for being human in a broken world. Saying no or I need my space does not make you a bad person. You have to know your limits, set boundaries and listen to your body.  Trust God and always remember to breath...just breath.

Be kind to yourself

Roots and Wings

Its almost been a year since I've written.. It seems whenever I take a break I always jump start with a poem.

I will never forget how blessed I really am. Or the pain in the 7 year struggle it took to reach here. I've been broke down, but there was always a hope that I often didn't know I had...and always

 Psalm 37:4

"I am reminded"

As I sit here with you

I'm reminded of the sorrow,

in the struggle

Oh, my joy is greater for it.

Here you are a Tree

grown from a River.

I'm reminded of 

shadows in the dark,

hope in the light.

A reflection somewhere

deep inside. 

What I've lost 

What I have.

A fighter will bear a fighter

you were worth all the tears

it took to hold you.

I've loved, I've lost

and beyond me

here you are.

I am reminded

Rivers run free,

Trees stand strong.

I take comfort in the revalation

I have them both

A baby that can plant roots,

one that has wings.

You will know of all the beautiful things
you will know of His endless hope.

River Munson born into heaven 8/16/16

Elowen Louise Munson born 7/8/18