Things my friends should know about depression and anxiety. What’s helpful and what’s not. Mental illness is different for everyone but a lot of this is good to follow regardless. This is written from my personal perspective and my battle with anxiety and depression. When I say “they” I mean “me” but I’m sure their are others who share this. When I say “mental illness” I’m mostly focusing on serevre anxiety and depression.
- When you tell a person struggling with a mental illness “ just ask for help” You are assuming that their brain will let them. When you say you don’t understand why you can’t if you have a voice..you are not supporting your friend you are shutting them down. The fact they told you they struggle is a form of asking for help...a need for support or encouragement of the right kind.
2. When you tell a person struggling with mental illness “pray more” or “Trust God more” you are basically saying it’s their fault... when in reality this world is sinful and broken. You are basically saying they don’t have the right kind of faith and it is their fault they are anxious/depressed as if they can control how their brains are wired..often with no knowledge of their personal walk with God. There are ways to point to God with out accusing. Simply pray with them, send them a bible verse, devotion, or song that you think might be helpful. But for goodness sakes don’t assume they are not praying or believing. Though sometimes this may be the case. I can pray every day for God to take my mental illness away, while he can...it does not mean he will.
3. Don’t stop inviting them to get togethers or outings if your truly want them to come... even when you know they won’t. Being invited means the world to them even if it’s an activity you know they will hate and 100% won’t go to...Being invited yet not being expected/judged for not coming is huge in supporting your mentally ill friends. Keep in mind, someone struggling with anxiety or depression knows the difference between a heart felt invite and an obligatory invite. (I think most people do)
4. Often when someone struggling with mental illness reaches out...they are looking for someone to say. l’m sorry” or “I love you” or they are in need of distraction or a sounding board for the thoughts in their head (sometimes speaking is all it takes) there does need to be a response of some sort when they stop though. An acknowledgment that they were heard not simply listened to. They do not want to hear how to fix it. They do not want to be told how crazy they sound. They do not need to be reminded they can get help. They need you to listen and love them, and they need to be reassured they are not a bother/burden.
5. If you haven’t heard from them in a while, they need you to check on them. Maybe they need to hear the words “I’m glad we are friends” or “I miss you” especially when their mental state is basically holding them hostage...sometimes the anxiety, depression and resulting loneliness is so overpowering they don’t want to reach out...or the anxiety says they are bothering/annoying you and they don’t reach out when they really need to or should. (This is a thought process that can lead to suicide when there is a feeing of being a burden...it’s an irrational fear of asking for help and that’s what makes it so so dangerous.) ****this is not an element of mental illness I struggle with but I can see how easy it would be to go there.***
6. Mentally Ill people (especially anxious ones) will often throw themselves into friendships..unfairly and too intensely...if they come to you in the hight of the struggle you need to know your not just anyone to them...you are a safe place. If it’s too much. Being kind but honest about that...while it may seriously hurt us is probably the best way. It will probably mean there will be a step back from the friendship, as often mental illness means casual friends are often hard to maintain. (Anyone we can’t reach out to in panic or sadness us probably a casual friend. When we can’t reach out, can’t small talk well, and can’t arrange plans or host. It leaves us totally dependent on invites (hence being invited without pressure is a big deal)
7. Just because we struggle with this doesn’t mean you can’t lean on us through your struggles. More often then not your struggle distracts us, and encourages us that we are not the only ones that need support. It shows us you value us instead of pity us or feel obligated to listen to us..It gives us a chance to give back to someone we care for and dump on probably too often. It’s really how friendship is suppose to work.
8. Sometimes anxiety gets us stuck, some event past present or future. This heightened awareness of an issue/situation we can’t stop thinking about or talking about. Like a dog with a bone our brain just chews on it over and over and over. It’s annoys me to listen to it in my head I’m sure it annoys others as well. We can’t help it. We just can’t let it go easily. Worry, guilt, and insecurities
9. Lastly the identity of a person is so often entangled with their mental illness it’s often hard to separate the person from the label. Just as a label or book description may help you understand what is in the package or book...it is not the whole story.
I am more then my mental illness.
I will not apologize for who I am and how I was made.
We need to normalize anxiety.
We need to acknowledge depression.We need to know not everyone talks about their struggle with mental illness.... We need to creat a space in this world where they feel it’s safe to.
We all need to be less judgmental and more compassionate for those who are different than us....
because that’s everyone.
