You know the saying..if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all? Well that's much harder to do when you are an adult. I knew I was cranky, I knew I had no right to be "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118. I also knew I didn't want to talk...but as an adult you have to go to work and when you work with kids...guess what. Talking is going to happen.
It's like the devil "who prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour. Got his big obnoxious foot in the door of my thoughts and no matter what I could not get the door closed again. I even told my co-worker "I'll be better tomorrow"
Why could I not get better then though? It's all choice right? So the selfish old Adam part of myself wanted to be cranky. Why I'm not sure, knowing me attention....stress...fear.
Why am I so weak father...why is it so hard to simply trust in you? Though it's not bad, that little bit of fear is there lingering...always lingering...Oh the devil got behind my eyes today had a party....since it was so loud in my head, the normal noise of my 3 year olds was even louder. My irritability high.
From the overflow of the mouth the heart speaks. When I say things that I know hurt, myself or others I think about that. Where did it come from why would I allow space in my heart for that I try to reflect on it... because when you do that, you usually don't feel much better then if you would have kept it to yourself....
The kids have been having a very hard time being nice to their friends, let alone respecting and listening to their teacher. So I started teaching them the "Oh be careful little eyes what you see song" Now, when I watch them make a bad choice I remind them "Be careful little hands what you do" and then I ask them..who saw you do that. "The father up above" and I ask them does it make him happy or sad? they will say "Sad" which works well
What about me? do I not have to hold myself to the same expectations I hold the children too? am I showing these kids the correct behavior by losing my patients, raising my voice? Do the words of that song not apply to me? It covers everything eyes, ears, mouth, hands, feet, heart, mind.....and at the end of the day..I'm still just a sinner.
This is where confession comes in ... because it's not about the guilt, it's about the forgiveness....
Father, forgive me for my weakness, and may my light shine brighter for you tomorrow. May the children see my actions and may they be actions the please you. Amen.