Just a wild rabbit

Notes from An Autistic Woman

It’s a wild rabbit. There are literally thousands more where it came from.

But those other ones… They didn’t take up residence in my fenced in backyard.

They didn’t find the one spot in the entire fence to come through.

They didn’t appear the day after winter solstice, when we decorated our solstice tree.

They didn’t burst out of whatever random area it had hunkered down in when my child and I came out to play, and scare the crap out of me.

They didn’t sleep every night for 3 months under my daughters window.

I didn’t name the bunny, because I read in a book: if you name it you tame it, and if you tame it you’re responsible for it. Responsibility makes me anxious. I did smile when I saw her tracks, when the hay bundles were missing from the base of the tree. I even smiled when I realized she had eaten my baby oak saplings. I knew it took that bunny exactly 4 giant hops to get from on side of my yard to the hole under my fence…

My desire to be close to nature is so powerful and so so limited within village limits. I struggle daily.

It was a sand colored rabbit with a splatter of white throughout its fur. Nothing to mark it as remarkable except it chose my yard to call home. It gave me joy that it felt safe and welcomed.

But see I am a person with autism, who is HIGHLY empathetic. (not everything you think you know about autism is accurate, especially when it comes to female autism.) I’ve yet to decide if that empathy is a stronger connection to my fellow humans or animals, and I get attached to things I know I shouldn’t. 

My past self would scold myself for being so torn up over this, believing it’s silly to be so. Which for 36 years has resulted in my still being sad, but with a layer of negativity, embarrassment, and guilt.

My growing self is holding this sadness close to my heart, allowing myself to be sad over the dead rabbit in the road, just past my yard. To mourn the senseless loss of life. I know in my very fiber of my being that it was my backyard bunny. I know that it's amazing it lived as long as it did in town. I’m not sure when this will pass, but it will as these things do. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad when something once living dies. Rule # 5 in our house states “If you want to cry…cry. It’s made for my daughter so she doesn’t grow up with the same voices in her head telling her she's silly for being sad. I’m learning it is there for the child inside me who needs to hear the same thing. Healing. Being doing lots of that lately.

“It’s just a rabbit, plenty more where it came from” 

I know many things, but honestly, I feel so many more things. That's the glorious heartbreaking part of being human…autistic or not.

Thoughts from a parent, of a Nero divergent child, who had to leave the party early.

Today we went to a birthday party. Her first non-family, lots of kids, all out, full fledged, party. A party that we drove nearly an hour to attend. Today was a HUGE success. Yet, I still left with that all too familiar, indescribable sadness in my heart, for my amazingly sweet, sensitive, child who doesn't quite fit in by the worlds standards. For what it means to be a mother to who this child is…a child few understand. A reality she will face for the rest of her life. Still praying she finds a "best friend' who loves her for her. Yet at the same time knowing there is nothing wrong with my child. FULL STOP.

Today was a HUGE success. It was the first time we were able to vocalize needs, acknowledge/label body/brain feelings (excited, overwhelmed, racing heart, sadness, and lots of anxiety) and utilize the tools we’ve gained through OT and  in our sensory bag when needed. (Thanking God for the swing one of her first and most constant calming activities) Not perfectly, not the entire time, and especially not by the end…but it’s a start. It’s hope, on what has been, and will be a long lonely road.

As a parent, what was a huge success for me, may look like something else entirely to others. 

They saw a lonely child who couldn’t seem to join in with all the others. (My heart feels this all the time)

I (my brain) saw a child just happy to be around/near all kinds of sensory input (sun, water, noise, wind, rain, strangers, rambunctious kids, and smells) NOT freaking out about it, or shutting down/withdrawing right away like she used to. A child comfortable enough to know she doesn't WANT to be in the thick of the chaos, and happy to do her own thing.

They saw a child who's overall interactions with her peers (allbit very few) seemed "bossy."

I saw a child who was making her desires, and opinions known (we are working on doing so kindly, now that we finally have the words) that could not do so even 6 months ago. She still struggles with clarity and is often not understood. A fact that is a source of great and understandable frustration for her. We're working on it.

They saw a child who was reserved, “shy”

I saw a child who observes everything, feels deeply, weighs the risk, takes it to heart, and processes slower than others. I saw a child happy to do her own thing.

They saw a child obsessively arranging/moving chairs when they were going to be used very soon or were even being used at the moment.

I saw a child trying to regain control of ANYTHING because every fiber of her being was feeling out of control.

They saw a child melting down from “not wanting to leave” and possibly thought we were being ridiculous or “no fun parents” for doing so. (This is likely only in my head in this scenario but it’s real and it’s HARD)

I saw a child melting down from overwhelm, from ALL the fun and sensations, where the final straw was “not wanting to leave.” 

They did not see the wandering, stumbling, lip picking, finger tensing, and specific vocalization, (all signals of dysregulation/overstimulation) that I saw, prior to deciding it was time to go. We should have left about 30 min earlier than we did.

They did not hear the sigh of relief when we were on the road in the air conditioned car. They did not hear the panic/freak out over the sand stuck to her feet we had to pull over to wipe off. 

They did not hear about all the fun she had today and how she “can’t wait to go to another friend's birthday party.” Though she barely interacted with another child.

They will not see the sensory “hangover” we will likely have, if not tonight then tomorrow. They will not see how much she will struggle with everyday tasks, sensations, coordination, reflex's, focus, and sleep. They will not see the parents who are tired, stressed, and sad. That fun = 24+ hours of easily hurt, easily frustrated, explosive feelings, and endless tears for their child. (All parents know the general crazy that happens after lots of fun and lots of sugar, generally burnt off in a matter of minutes, hours, or after a good sleep. This is that... but to an extreme that you can’t understand if you have a neurotypical child.) They will not understand why she can’t just have one more sweet and stay just a bit longer, surely she will be just fine. (These comments are not specific to this party, but we hear them ALOT)

Today was a huge success, and a GREAT party, we were so happy to attend. While, it was hard to leave only half way through…while it was hard to feel like a “mean” mom because she was so desperate to stay. Experience has taught me that “not wanting to leave” isn’t the issue, and staying won’t make the meltdown stop (this is the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. One ends when given what is wanted, the other won’t end or shifts to something else, almost immediately, regardless.)  We left with mostly a positive experience. Instead of staying and ruining the rest of the party for everyone. Yes, leaving is hard for everyone, leaving the fun is ALWAYS hard, but for someone with sensory processing issues it's astoundingly necessary. Bailing when the overwhelm is just starting to manifest might just shave off a few hours of the 24+ hours of struggle  that follows if we ignore the signs of overwhelm. Someday, it is my hope she will be able to listen to her body and understand/have the tools to cope on her own. Unapologetically. With time she has been able to sustain longer and longer stimulating experiences and I have hope that this trend will continue as well. (Some of todays success can be credited to the fact I made sure she had a calm/down day yesterday.)

I am trying to not feel guilty/bad. There is nothing wrong with my child, there is nothing wrong with teaching her to listen to her body and respect the boundaries it needs. She is still very young, so until she has a better awareness, I know I need to be the voice of reason against the “I want to stay. ” I hope to give her the ability to listen to the voice in her head that says “this has been great, but it’s time to go” I hope her inner voice is much more kind and wiser, at an earlier than mine...(I am still fighting a very negative and harsh inner dialog)

Today was so good! I am sorry we couldn’t stay. I’m 100% sure we did the right thing for our child/family leaving when we did. I'm so proud of my little girl. I'm exhausted.

Re-writing my personal narrative.

It's been forever. Over the last year I have written so many of these out on paper....about politics, faith, friendship...none of which I'm brave enough to share. But this...this is something I've been struggling with sorting out since October. This is something I am learning about my daughter that is re-defining my entire life. All the little "things" about me make so much sense and my entire childhood feels justified. I mean life changing process all brought on by learning my daughter is highly sensitive. This is my first and clumsy attempt to process all of it...

Tonight I can’t sleep. As I lay here in bed anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted from the business of the past few days. Worried about all the things moms worry about and have absolutely no control over. As I scroll social media and see all the parents being awesome and giving their children all the experiences (which may or may not turn my child into a screaming or withdrawn puddle).and if I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed from the last week. Her screaming all afternoon is all the proof needed that We BOTH need a down day or 2 and a solid night of sleep. 

I don’t know how to explain exactly what my child is in therapy for and with no one else I know personally dealing with this, it's been a struggle. When I try to explain, I fall short because I don’t understand it yet myself. Or I’m met with a look of disbelief or skepticism because my child is so “normal/good/quiet”...and it’s not something widely known like Autism. Despite an online community, I feel alone. As if my child is the only child like this and no one understands because they can’t. Consequently as I am 100% sure I have exactly the same thing a lack of understanding makes me feel personally even less understood then I’ve always felt.

Those that think nothing is wrong with my child, are correct, there is NOTHING “wrong” with my child. Just as there is nothing wrong with a child who has autism, downs, or any other sort of thing that makes one different.  It’s been a lot to take in and navigate while I’m already trying to take in and navigate being a mom. Simultaneously, I’m trying to change my personal narrative about my past and my anxiety...with this new knowledge of myself and how my brain is wired. It’s reliving childhood events that have had a lasting (negative) impact on me...and realizing “I truly couldn’t help how I felt, acted, or responded. Forgiving myself and others.

I am not flawed, wimpy, shy, a cry baby, or what I heard most “too sensitive” neither is my child.

We are not TOO  sensitive, we ARE sensitive.

I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) my daughter is a HSC ( Highly Sensitive Child) 

Sensitive is NOT a bad word, it’s not something that needs bashed, ignored, or scolded out of children. The stigma around it especially for males who are also HSP needs to end.

How do you explain that she’s in therapy to help learn how to best use and manage her super power when “therapy” is stigmatized as something only needed when something is wrong?

 She’s in therapy so she doesn’t have to navigate her first stimuli induced panic attack in her 20s alone like I did....maybe she will even have the tools to NOT have them at all. (Shout out to my college friends who talked me through, walked with me at all hours of the night, during my first and following attacks.) To those who let me talk obsessively as my body and brain tried to figure out the what and why of this seemingly new experience (revisiting childhood anxiety/sensitivity has always been there it just manifested itself differently at this age.) Those friends, who for the first time in my life didn’t see me as too sensitive, too much to deal with (a more common problem now) but as a person as I was. I truly miss you and am truly thankful you were/are part of my life even if life has moved some of us apart. (Katie, Jasmine, Amy, Laura, Dan, Kevin.)

I wish for my daughter's personal narrative to be different. She will always be sensitive (no amount of OT will change that nor would I want it to) that sensitivity will give her a larger capacity for love, empathy, intuition, understanding, creativity...And like all super powers it will have the opposite challenges...she will feel every little thing to the very core of her being...and her brain will process it differently for all her life. Rain drops may feel like thorns, 4 people in a room talking simultaneously may sound like a stadium of screaming football fans, hurts may feel like the world is ending, she willnot only feel her pain, but friends, animals, and strangers pain...and she will know that it’s okay to feel and to feel intensely, She will know she is loved, who she is, why she is, and ultimately her ability to feel will push her through to the calm. If therapy can give her the tools, and ability to become her best self I am grateful for it. I can give her the love and understanding.... By learning to love and understand myself.

When I was a child there was no research on this topic (and there is still not a ton)...I was blessed with loving, amazing, parents who did their best for me. I really did have a great childhood, do not let this take from that...but my narrative suffered because in a way I was never understood. Being a sensitive child  I picked up on the unspoken and sometimes spoken idea that I was too easily upset, hurt, scared, shy...and by deduction something was wrong with me. Those elementary/middle school thoughts and experiences carried through to adulthood and my first panic attack did nothing but strengthen my narrative that I am broken, wrong, flawed. That is the personal narrative I am on a journey to change all while trying to give my daughter a safe space to form a more positive one.

As an older child I did not cry over everything because I wanted attention. Believe me the embarrassment of crying often made me cry more. As an adult it’s still just the same but over time I have found ways to hide or hold it back a bit better (sometimes) I warn all new employers that I do and I will cry at the very hint I’ve done something even slightly wrong. doesn't matter if they are mad or not.

As I’ve already been working on viewing my anxiety as a part of me but not defining me. To learn the WHY behind it is so healing. Now I just have to stretch my work to redefine my anxiety to redefine my past in the lens of HSP. 

I am forever, unapologetically sensitive and that sensitivity as a child manifests itself in forms of meltdowns overwhelm and sometimes anxiety and as an adult in anxiety. So much of my energy is used just trying to process stimuli, the emotions of everyone around me, let alone any of the other senses dealing with smells, sounds, sights.... Friendships are hard as I try to avoid confrontation something that often needs to happen to strengthen friendship...and it’s another thing I’ve faced and reckoned with this year. I am intense...if you can’t handle it be straight with me about it. Either way I will hurt, I will cry, and while I won’t hold it against you I will probably step back...because I have limited energy to put into friendship and it HAS to be worth it.

My daughter will still have to deal with mean kids, broken friendships, and trials, and she will feel it all much more intensely then most of her peers...but she will know there is NOThiNg “wrong” with her for feeling more.

So when my toddler has what to you looks like a typical toddler tantrum... just know that while it may sometimes be,  often it isn’t. I am not spoiling or babying my child. I’m trying to hold her hand (provided it’s a day light touch dosnt hurt her) through the storm because, I lose my shit often as a HSP and I have had years of practice and time to develop some coping skills along the way. She’s learning this now, as all toddlers have to, but with an extra layer of “feels” thrown in. 

So I’m in my bed, doing the mom thing. Because what helped her today won’t help her in the tomorrow. What she couldn’t get comfortable in yesterday, maybe just fine tomorrow...warm food will always be too hot and large vehicles passing will make her duck and cover, visitors/outings may or may not overwhelm her, and my kissing her cheek could very well make her say ow and cry. And the one thing for certain is. I won’t know how to help her and will spend so much time guessing...it’s exhausting.

I’m Leah, some have known me for my whole life, some have known me for half of it, some have known me for far less. 

It’s taken 34 years but I am unapologetically Leah, my brain is wired differently than yours. It’s more than being introverted, shy, or anxious in crowds.

I will somehow help my child to be unapologetically Elowen... before the age of 34. It's figuring out  how to do that, that's what is keeping me awake tonight. The lack of community I have felt in motherhood, exacerbated in a pandemic, has grown even more navigating a HSC diagnosis...and feeling it all 100X stronger than most others while I’m at it. Maybe this is my first crude attempt to help others understand. I’ll try to share some links that explain more and better. You can also google Dr. Elaine Arons highly sensitive person questionnaire. She also has written a couple of books that I highly recommend. 

The Highly Sensitive Child | Psychology Today

Understanding highly sensitive children - Focus on the Family

What I need my friends to know about anxiety, depression, and mental illness.

Things my friends should know about depression and anxiety. What’s helpful and what’s not. Mental illness is different for everyone but a lot of this is good to follow regardless. This is written from my personal perspective and my battle with anxiety and depression. When I say “they” I mean “me” but I’m sure their are others who share this. When I say “mental illness” I’m mostly focusing on serevre anxiety and depression. 

1. When you tell a person struggling with a mental illness “ just ask for help” You are assuming that their brain will let them. When you say you don’t understand why you can’t if you have a voice..you are not supporting your friend you are shutting them down. The fact they told you they struggle is a form of asking for help...a need for support or encouragement of the right kind.
   2. When you tell a person struggling with mental illness “pray more” or “Trust God more” you are basically saying it’s their fault... when in reality this world is sinful and broken. You are basically saying they don’t have the right kind of faith and it is their fault they are anxious/depressed as if they can control how their brains are wired..often with no knowledge of their personal walk with God. There are ways to point to God with out accusing. Simply pray with them, send them a bible verse, devotion, or song that you think might be helpful. But for goodness sakes don’t assume they are not praying or believing. Though sometimes this may be the case. I can pray every day for God to take my mental illness away, while he can...it does not mean he will. 
   3. Don’t stop inviting them to get togethers or outings if your truly want them to come... even when you know they won’t. Being invited means the world to them even if it’s an activity you know they will hate and 100% won’t go to...Being invited yet not being expected/judged for not coming is huge in supporting your mentally ill friends.  Keep in mind, someone struggling with anxiety or depression knows the difference between a heart felt invite and an obligatory invite.  (I think most people do) 
   4. Often when someone struggling with mental illness reaches out...they are looking for someone to say. l’m  sorry” or “I love you” or they are in need of distraction or a sounding board for the thoughts in their head (sometimes speaking is all it takes) there does need to be a response of some sort when they stop though. An acknowledgment that they were heard not simply listened to. They do not want to hear how to fix it. They do not want to be told how crazy they sound. They do not need to be reminded they can get help. They need you to listen and love them, and they need to be reassured they are not a bother/burden.                                                                   
   5. If you haven’t heard from them in a while, they need you to check on them. Maybe they need to hear the words “I’m glad we are friends” or “I miss you” especially when their mental state is basically holding them hostage...sometimes the anxiety, depression and resulting loneliness is so overpowering they don’t want to reach out...or the anxiety says they are bothering/annoying you and they don’t reach out when they really need to or should. (This is a thought process that can lead to suicide when there is a feeing of being a burden...it’s an irrational fear of asking for help and that’s what makes it so so dangerous.) ****this is not an element of mental illness I struggle with but I can see how easy it would be to go there.***
   6. Mentally Ill people (especially anxious ones) will often throw themselves into friendships..unfairly and too intensely...if they come to you in the hight of the struggle you need to know your not just anyone to them...you are a safe place.  If it’s too much. Being kind but honest about  that...while it may seriously hurt us is probably the best way.  It will probably mean there will be a step back from the friendship, as often mental illness means casual friends are often hard to maintain. (Anyone we can’t reach out to in panic or sadness us probably a casual friend. When we can’t  reach out, can’t small talk well, and  can’t arrange plans or host. It leaves us totally dependent on invites (hence being invited without pressure is a big deal)
   7. Just because we struggle with this doesn’t mean you can’t lean on us through your struggles. More often then not your struggle distracts us, and encourages us that we are not the only ones that need support. It shows us you value us instead of pity us or feel obligated to listen to us..It gives us a chance to give back to someone we care for and dump on probably too often. It’s really how friendship is suppose to work. 
   8. Sometimes anxiety gets us stuck, some event past present or future. This heightened awareness of an issue/situation we can’t stop thinking about or talking about. Like a dog with a bone our brain just chews on it over and over and over. It’s annoys me to listen to it in my head I’m sure it annoys others as well. We can’t help it. We just can’t let it go easily. Worry, guilt, and insecurities
   9. Lastly the identity of a person is so often entangled with their mental illness it’s often hard to separate the person from the label.  Just as a label or book description may help you understand what is in the package or book...it is not the whole story.

I am more then my mental illness.

I will not apologize for who I am and how I was made.

We need to normalize anxiety.

We need to acknowledge depression.We need to know not everyone talks about their struggle with mental illness.... We need to creat a space in this world where they feel it’s safe to.

We all need to be less judgmental and more compassionate for those who are different than us....
because that’s everyone.

Its tough being a mother #1

It's tough being a mother in a consumer driven world. 

Christmas is a week away, you know that magical day where the kids wake up all excited. Run into the living room, to see all the gifts that magically appeared under the tree. With squeals of joy and smiling parents....you know the story. They are so happy they love love love everything. Yet less then 48 hours later most gifts are left un- touched and in the way. But man those few minutes were so much fun...

It's Christmas. Expectations for parents are high. No one wants thier child to feel left out. Media and advertisment play into this fear and tell you they have all the answers just buy XYZ. You NEED XYZ. Family members and Friends are watching...and suddenly the joy of the season is gone. 

I can't tell you how many conversations I've had in the last few weeks (since Thanksgiving really) about how stressed someone is, or how they already have too much stuff and are dreading the influx coming. Or saddest yet how they just want Christmas to be over already so things can settle back down. It's safe to say this season is overwhelming. That's not even touching on the fact some are grieving this season, some are hurting...

I'm there to but as a environmently consious minimalist mom it's even more because well I'm in the minority. Most people think I'm a quack. Let me tell you though. My house is clean, my gifts are wrapped and under the tree.(5 of them to be exact) I've not gone further in debt. infact we've paid off a couple hundred extra this month.  I'm looking forward to a chill weekend. I've learned to listen to myself and had to turn down invites to parties. I'm excited to give the gifts to my necies and daughter because they are full of thought and love. (My ideas on gift giving have changed drasticly in the past year. That will be a seperate post). Mostly I'm so excited to spend Christmas with my family. To celebrate Jesus. To love people, not things. 

Its tough being a mom, and you are not me...and my life style isn't yours I got that. But we all want our children to know the true meaning of Christmas and what better way to teach that then to model it? I was a preschool teacher...regardless of advent calenders, church services, or everyday Bible time..the children were still way more excited for presents and not the love that came down. Consumerism...Somehow within our 4 walls, and each in our own way we need to cut out the excess noise of the season. We need to prepare our hearts for Jesus and if we get so consumed in everything we think we HAVE to do  and HAVE to buy it wont happen. Our kids are watching always watching. The joy starts with you. carve out the time even 5 min with God and see where it takes you.

- we don't NEED more stuff

- we don't NEED more time in a day

We just need to shift our priorities

We just need Jesus

Love people, not things. There is so much magic in this season, hug your children, Love is magic. Toys will be forgotten rather quickly, but Gods Love, Gods Gift, Gods Power...that is forever. Less is More. So mom, no matter what your kids open Christmas morning it's the love and joy that makes it special. Take a deep breath. Take ahold of Gods gift of Peace and enjoy the season. 

Merry Christmas.

The grearest gift of all is Love 

1 John 3:16-18

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

The way we talk about student debt has to change.

Hi I'm Leah, I have student loan debt. I've been paying on them since 2009 have not missed a payment have not used forbearance. My original loan amount on one of  my 2 loans was $8,300.00. Today my balance is 7,774.00 I've payed $ 119-133 a month for 10 years. Do the math I've paid something like 14K on a 8K loan.... That's not what I signed up for. That is only 1 of my loans not counting my husbands loans. We are in a scary amount of debt and if the math looks like that on all of them its soul crushing. That is NOT my fault. Telling me I should not have took on the debt in the first place is not helpful. If anything its hurtful.

I worked hard through college I did community college for 2 years and had 3 part time jobs. I might have gone out of state, I might have got a useless degree but I also didn't take out loans for all 4 years so I feel I'm allowed a couple bad decisions. I love teaching, If I hadn't gone away I would be a very different person today. I would not have met my husband, I would not have my daughter. I would not have had the experience and the social growth I had finally leaving my parents. College is still the best time of my life and I'm loving parenthood. Yes I have debt. Debt I was told I would be able to pay off in 10 years. (which I did by double the amount) Debt that the interest rate has gone up, up, up and my balance hasn't gone down. Being told it's my fault and I should have worked harder through college and after is a pretty crappy thing to say to someone.

So before you throw up another go to trade school post. Remember if everyone went to trade school you would have no doctors, no teachers, no social workers, no human services.  Just be happy your passion and likes happened to be something you could pursue through trade school. I'm glad you don't have the cloud of debt hanging over your head. I wish it on no one. Yes I plan on encouraging my daughter to go to a community college or a trade school and work hard. I will not ask her to compromise on her dreams or her passions, I hope to set her up for a future that doesn't look like mine because honestly mine sucks.

Why do we have to focus so hard on the negative or the self?" Look at me I have no student debt because I went to trade school," "I got through school on scholarships. why didn't you? it can be done." Not everyone has equal opportunities in life and most do the best they can with what they have. So before you judge me or anyone with student loans take a second and realize you don't know all the facts you don't know what they had to work with. You don't know how many scholarships they applied for and didn't receive. You don't know what learning disability they have struggled with effect grades and test scores. You don't know ANYTHING.

I'm all for educating people on the troubles with debt. However, ,I'm not for making those that have debt feel worse for something I'm sure makes them feel bad enough already. For something they struggle with every single day. Lets change the way banks and government operates lets talk about what can be done for those struggling and for the future so the next generation doesn't have to. Lets encourage one another not judge. I'm not asking for hand outs but at 14K paid into a 8k loan I feel like I've done my share....

I'm happy student debt is part of the presidential discussion because I was lied to, I've worked hard to pay it off and I have nothing NOTHING to show for it in 10 years and my personal debt is much smaller than the average. No I'm not writing this so you feel bad for me. I just want you to stop and think before you enter the conversation on student loan debt and to remember to focus on encouragement, understanding and better future for everyone.

Yes my parents encouraged college, and if they could have helped me they would have in a heart beat. They simply wanted more for me then they had a neither went to college. They started the change the best they could. All 3 of their children got a college degree. Its got to start somewhere.

No debt is ever good. I wish I had grown up knowing that. My daughter will.
It stops here.

Company is coming.

I don't know about anyone else, but I use to freak out when I knew anyone was coming over. Maybe I get it from my mother or it’s that social anxiety thing. Company is coming? Que... crazy cleaning lady.  Clean clean clean clean clean...everything. The stress the exhaustion. I truly admire those people who are like eh, I live here, life is busy, let them judge. I just can’t do it. I’ve tried and I think that was worse then the running around in privet cleaning. I will admit more often then not I would just get out boxes and shove things into them to get out of the way while company was here. Then one day after company had left and I groaned at having to find something I needed it clicked. This is stupid. Not because I shouldn’t want to have a clean house, or impress company. This is stupid because it’s not sustainable, it’s not healthy, and it turns me into a miserable person who makes everyone in the house miserable. I would be so exhausted I could hardly enjoy my friends and family when they arrived.

 Stuff=Anxiety
That’s important to know my anxious friends.

and we all know I’ve been trying to respect myself and my triggers.

I don’t do that anymore. I’ve had people drop in last minute all summer and guess what it’s no problem. At this moment I am waiting for company to arrive and I’m not running in circles cleaning.  No more boxes shoved in the other room for this mamma. I haven't done that once in 3 months. My daughter is napping and instead of having to use this precious quit time doing chores. I can type a blog and play on my iPad. (Trying to not use phones and such when she’s around a big push to be present. No she does not get all my attention all the time that’s not healthy for anyone, but that’s a whole different blog that will be along soon)

So the effort was made to figure out what could be done different. As I said in a earlier post de-cluttering “minimalism” has already been a part of our marriage journey. The more stuff we let go of the less stuff we have to take care of...

Stuff=Anxiety

My kitchen is huge and I would say half of the cupboard space is empty. Counter-tops are mostly clear. 3 months ago it was taking me an hour and a half to clean my kitchen (that’s with a dishwasher) but I was determined to go to bed with a clean kitchen and I've done it with out fail for 3 solid months. Now it feels wired to even try to go to bed with it not clean. There have been a couple nights I wasn't feeling well and my amazing husband did it.  It wasn’t fun my husband even teased me about my “favorite pass time” but waking up to a clean space has really changed my life and my mood in the morning. I can enjoy my coffee and not worry about the mess on the other side of the wall I have to clean. I soon realized just taking all that time to clean was helping yes, but I was still miserable. How can I make this take less time? Another round of letting go happened and this one was a little harder but decorations I didn’t love but I did like were removed. Items that I use to use all the time but haven’t in a year or 6 months left. It didn’t matter if they could be seen or not. Things as simple and putting the knives in a drawer and the huge ugly block in the donation bag. The bag of coffee, and a stick of butter use to sit on the counter I bought matching simple ceramic containers to store them in on my counter.  Now if it’s sitting on my counter it is used daily. I’m not a big entertainer so removing extra dishes was easy (less dishes the less could pile up) I realize that doesn't work for normal people. The glory of minimalism is it can be what works for you. I kept enough for a setting of 6. It may drive other people nuts to try to cook in my kitchen but it works for me. I’ve found I’ve wanted for nothing.  A couple of times i have opened the cupboard for a cup and they were all dirty and I was a little annoyed. I just washed a cup and life went on. Last night I timed it without even doing the little bits through the day, the "before bed clean up" took 20 minutes. Just 20. Sustainable.

My kitchen is amazing right now and that’s after making breakfast and lunch for myself and my daughter. With maybe a 5 min clean up after each. Everything has a place, and everything I have is needed and used and loved. (With the exception of the mixing bowls and ceramic cook wear on my new open shelves, those were my grandmothers and they are so special. By letting other things go I now have the space to display them! (Minimalism isn’t about getting rid of EVERYTHING and living out of a backpack, unless of course that's what minimalism looks like for you then go for it. I personally like having a T.V. And a table and books) it’s about sustainability. Reduce and Reuse is focused on more than Recycle.

Stuff=Anxiety
Less stuff=less anxiety.

We have a one year old and only 2 cabinets in our entire house are baby proofed. That’s it. if she gets in any others she might make a mess, or find them empty, but she is safe. I complained the other day my house is to big. I look forward to someday having a smaller space (no I don’t want a tiny house)

Last night I learned company was coming. In that time I've spent no more than 30 min preparing my house for it. That is sustainable, I've maintained this for 3 months and yes I'm not working full time BUT that just means I'm in my house full time. More meals cooked in the kitchen more time spent in the living room...more potential for mess. Other then my daughters toys around which can easily and in less than a minute be placed back into their basket, no messes. Not enough to make a mess so big I can't clean it up. Not so little stuff that we are suffering. My house is my happy place, full of peace, calm, and simplicity. LIFE CHANGING. morning coffee is so relaxing (unless baby girl wake early and even then its not that bad)

Stuff=Anxiety

(other things do as well but this one is one of the few I can actually control that's a freedom in itself.

Is my house spotless, no, its lived in.  It just no longer makes me anxious.

Living life well with less.