The Power of Music.

Let me preference this blog with this statement I'm a WELS Lutheran, and I like it that way, this not an attack on my synod or even my church and certainly not my pastor...this is simply the way I see music and how I think it could be used better.



Today is Palm Sunday, while in church today my Pastor said something that made me smile.
"Because of Jesus, even little children singing praises, have more power than Satan." Just think about that...this big scary devil running around ruining lives, confusing peoples hearts and minds, has less power then my 4 year olds singing Jesus Loves Me or Hip Hip Hip Hippopotamus...

It's a celebration a way to share the joy and hope of Jesus, It can ignite a fire inside people..

All the people in this world that practice magic and draw power from channels other then Jesus, have less power than than my 3 year olds belting out Jesus Loves the Little Children. I mean just WOW..

Music...

Singing is so much more then just worship, it's a way to say thank-you

Therefore I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the Gentiles, And sing praises to Your name. ~2 Samuel 22:50~

It's a celebration a way to share the joy and hope of Jesus, It can ignite a fire inside people..

Sing to the Lord, all the earth; Proclaim the good news of His salvation from day to day. ~ 1 Chronicles 16:23~

Sing to the Lord, bless His name; Proclaim the good news of His salvation from day to day. Psalm 96:2


Paul and Silas sang in prison, In prison they sang praises...just think about what the jailers or the other prisoners are thinking then...What hope what a testimony, what a way to LIVE your faith.

[ The Philippian Jailer Saved ] But at midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them. ~Acts 16:25~


There is so much power in singing, you are suppose to sing to children to help them grow, and preschoolers to help them learn, and the sick to bring comfort, it can bring rest for your soul, renewal to your faith, and joy...

Music the universal language...that fact alone has got to make you think about the power.

The Bible contains over 400 references to singing and 50 direct commands to sing.  Bob Kauflin)We're commanded twice in the New Testament to sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs (Ephesians 5:19; Colossians 3:16). 

Sometimes I think conservative churches get it wrong. When sometimes for the sake of being biblical we cheat the music, and more modern churches for the sake of being trendy lose a little of the teaching in the repetitious praise. Both of these examples have their strengths and I'm not saying they are bad, repetition if a great way to learn, a great way to reinforce, a great way to draw people in so you can teach them the more complicated messages you often find in old well written hymns.

It's very rare I find a church that can take the two extremes and find the middle ground. To often at my Church I feel like I'm at a funeral, it's beautiful words and poetry, and such a great message but you lose the urge to PRAISE the Lord with song. There is no feeling no passion in the melody while the words are so full of meaning. (Not all of them but the ones that do both are so rarely sang at my church).. I also know you are praising God when you sing but the joy that comes with uplifting music is sometimes/ most of the time missing.  

There is a place for the beauty of different melodies... Harps, and beautiful songs are often mentioned in the Psalms, I'm not saying you have to rock the house to have passion... but a majority of the verses encourage joyful song.

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth; Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. ~Psalm 98:4

Makes me think that praising God should be a party, "Break forth in song"...like a musical...maybe the Pentecostal throwing themselves on the ground filed with the spirit, the southern gospel swaying and clapping are on to something.  They have so much feeling in their songs, so many old tried and true hymns that don't seem to be touched anymore in Lutheran churches, sometimes I think we try too hard to find hymns that fit the message of the day we lose the novelty of what singing really is...

In a recent service we were re-taught that you don't go to church to be entertained, your not there to learn something new, your there to get the word of God. Your not there to hang out with friends (though there is something to be said for fellowship with people at the same walk in life as you, a fact I'm more aware of now after St. Marcus). Though it's all true, there is an element of necessity in these things. You need to draw people in and since music is the most powerful way and part of worship why not use it the tools God gives to work with the message? 


I left church feeling guilty that day that my feelings about the power of music, or the longing I have to fellowship with people my age is wrong... that it should be enough to simply get the word of God and I was selfish for wanting more from church. It makes me think about the people who don't go to church because they can get the same thing at home, or in nature....I can just as easily open the bible sit by a lake and get the word of God.  So while I see where this message is coming from, I don't think I agree.


Heres a WELS article on the subject..
http://www.wels.net/news-events/forward-in-christ/august-2000/why-dont-you-go-church
Here's the part of the article that says what i'm trying to say a lot better.

Grab a Bible, open it right around the middle, and read Psalm 95.

God's people come to church to worship him. We come because God is "the Lord our Maker," who holds "the depths of the earth" in his hands. We come because of who we are: "he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care."
We come because, frankly, we can't help ourselves. What God has done for us in Christ makes us want to "shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation" and "extol him with music and song." We come to church because most of us would feel pretty silly doing these things at home alone in our living rooms. But singing God's praises with other grateful Christians at church is the most natural thing in the world, and we wouldn't miss a chance to do it.

"But singing God's praises with other grateful Christians at chruch is the most natural thing in the world." 

The first reason he gives it to worship him...with SONGS....it's natural.

Granted we do sing songs, and yes now and again we sing that tried and true hymn that everyone knows and loves and everyone sings. But if you a play a song simply because the words reinforce the sermon... in my opinion that takes away from the point of "bursting into song" because you are so full of joy...

The power of music.

I'm not saying you need a live band, and rock music to get people excited. Amazing Grace on a piano excites me just as much as the band SKILLET excites me in my car or at their concert... Or Konie at St. Marcus...

I'm not saying we can't ever try new hymns, how do you know if your congregation likes them or not if you don't try them.  But maybe just one and the others the tried and true and loved hymns...because that is one thing I'm almost sure people won't mind repeating... Why does it have to fit the message perfectly? when the point is to Worship God?

Also, another fault I find in some churches, Is the lack of standing to sing...The honor the respect you show by standing...it changes the feeling in the music as well. Sometimes it's all I can do not to stand on the last verse of Amazing Grace or any other powerful hymn...that's OVERFLOWING with joy.. Or maybe I'm just weird.  Yet Lutherans stand up and sit down constantly....why not for song? Singing and dancing and praising God....

I love music, I listen to hymns all the time, and we will sing his praises forever in heaven..I mean if that's our soul purpose in heaven to sing his praises why wouldn't it be one of the main reasons we go to church here on earth?

So sing, even if your voice isn't great, even if your old, because like on that day long ago when the religious leaders tried to shush the crowed and the children...if we don't the rocks will...one way or another God will get his praise.  It can calm your fears...

Singing gives you power over Satan...even the children...

What power...what joy...what a blessing!!

!!!SING HOSANNA!!!

Missing Jesus.

Lately I've been missing my Good Shepherds Family. I miss having co-workers that would not only encourage me in the day to day, but also in my walk with Jesus. Yes they all had their own set of problems because who doesn't. But we shared our crosses and we cried together and laughed together and we all went through some really really hard stuff together... and I knew that if I was dealing with something I could talk and I would almost always be pointed back to Jesus. I honestly miss nap time/ break time adult conversation to break up the day.

Sometimes I think I just feel left out, I do my own thing to the best of my ability and then I go home. No one really knows what I do and don't do, but the kids are learning and the parents are happy and God knows...that should be enough... Sometimes when it comes to gossip and complaining being left out is okay...but it also leaves me out of the loop on specific things,like who needs prayer and for what, little things I could do when someone is having a bad day. It's like I've lost my ability to reach out and try to make someone smile. I struggle to find moments to do any random acts of kindness... I've almost lost my energy. I'm goofy with my preschoolers and they love it, but I miss that co-worker to laugh with share that great moment with the kid with. I miss being able to go to another room and just be silly...I miss being comfortable enough around my co-workers to joke around. I miss people who got my sense of humor... Maybe I'm just burnt out...

I think it's because I'm not quit a daycare worker, I'm not one of them... I don't think I want to necessarily go back to being a "daycare worker Not because it's bad but just because it's just not what I want to do anymore...


I miss a lot of things, and a lot of things I don't miss...

Sometimes it would be easy to forget I work at St. Johns LUTHERAN Childcare center...and i think it's that common thread of faith I shared with my co-workers at Good Shepherds Lutheran that I miss the most. It was the common thread that made me part of that family within months...

I miss my Good Shepherds Family.

I miss community group...

I miss church...

I miss Jesus.

I need to get back to my faith walk, I need to get back to intentional thinking. Intentionally choosing NOT to complain about the problem child or not to complain at all. Intentionally choosing to use words that build up not only my soul but my co-workers in what little interaction I might have with them. I need to be reminded that I don't do this job for me, so that I might get complimented, so that the new boss will have a good opinion of me... or noticed for how good of a job I'm doing. I do this for the Lord and for the children...I'm here to serve, reflect Jesus, and teach.

I need to get back to my DAILY walk with God...and that right there will fix everything else...

because today I noticed my words were negative which means my heart is as well. That's not me, this is not who I am. I'm blessed with a job I love, a husband, a house, and so many other things...
"From the overflow of the heart, the mouth will speak"

I need your prayers readers and friends, and your encouragement, and the accountability...

thanks.

Judging the Broken in us all.

Another facebook inspired post.


Facebook and the News.

Today an article appeared on my news-feed, via multiple friends... When I was scrolling through and saw the picture I said hmm she looks familiar but kept going. Later I came back to it and another friend had shared it...I looked closer. The brokenness of the world was in those eyes. The eyes of a lady who tried to speed away from a police officer and ended up sliding of the road into an embankment. She apparently had her 2 year old child with her and a warren out for her arrest as well as no insurance and an unregistered vehicle. The eyes of a life where all she ever saw was broken...Who is now in jail facing 4th degree child abuse charges...

She has 3 children...all boys..

it's not fair...but...there is a reason whatever it might be I deal with my own demons.


The eyes of a childhood friend...just as lost as she was in 2nd grade when we played cats and dogs and C.J. was the catcher.... or when we would pick apples from the trees in her back yard and get sick from eating to many, play in the corn crib down the road, build snow men, and have sleep overs where I would watch movies my mom wouldn't like me watching. Someone I meet in Kindergarten who I spent years growing with...Someone who watched what sin can do to adults. Who watched a mother deal with pain (MS..if she was being truthful) the best way she new how(drugs)...who watched her mom and dads marriage dissolve.  Who really saw nothing in relationships to hold her together. Who lied...sometimes to survive or get attention she was starved for... or at least to convince others she was just fine. She lied so much I will admit she pushed me away even as a child she could tell fantastic stories and swear they were the truth..and she could  make you believe them. I watched them trun from stories to falsehoods, to lies, to manipulate, strike back, and destroy .....and it's a mental illness...but she falls through the cracks in the system...and shes broken I'm not making excuses but I saw this article and cried..other see it and roll there eyes...mock her, She shouldn't do it but does she know anything else??

A life of choices stretched out behind her, passed on to her from her parents and now to her own children...None of it her fault and at the same time every single choice she has made, lie she has told, hers and hers alone. Her mother didn't hold a gun to her head and say do what I did.... but she showed her the way...

Show your children something more... to rise above.

Because if you didn't know her before 4th grade...you don't know her at all. Between the lies and the walls and the life she grew up in...she has survived...somehow allbeit not well. But look at her eyes....

Just an article about a woman who ran from a cop.... posted and shared again and again...for people to read that really don 't need to read it, sure it's in the papers it public domain..but does that mean that old friends, acquaintances need to share it like that?  It use to be if you didn' live in the area you didn't really hear about it...local news stayed localized...now...now people that live in Flordia who had forgotten that this woman existed knows, complete strangers all over the nation...and have formed an opinion based on one small write up...

Isn't it at that point the same as gossip? Is it going to help this woman? Is judging her, calling her stupid going to fix her? Is stating that she won't change because she never has yet really the answer? How many times has she heard stuff like that in her life? Look at her eyes and don't tell me shes not hurting... I'm not saying she can be saved..but has anyone tried. (Maybe they have...idk)

what if she finds this article with these comments (some from people she knew) is it going to motivate her to make her life better..or drive her deeper into the pain she can't seem to get away from? I'm not making excuses for her and honestly if this results with her losing her children thats good. This cycle needs to be broken. I can't wait to be in a position to do foster care and help children placed in situations like this... but

 but things like this isn't going to do it.

"Sounds like a real winner.  Unfortunately this is the kind of person that breeds in this country."

When I see people like that I magically run out of money. Funny how that works. Smh. I can't stand low life lazy people. I bust my ass for everything I have and they seem to always be there with a hand open for a donation.

"Drugs do that to people"

I think a lot of people with mental problems, drug and alcohol abuse problems, tend to stay that way because 1. It's all the know. 2. That's what everyone expects...so therefor it must be true.  It's no different then telling a child they are worthless... over and over again...

My heart hurts...this is "Red" (I use to be so jealous of her red hair..but oh how she hated it) This is my friend, even if we haven't spoken in years...

Maybe I feel to much....idk...

She is a human...she does have feelings...I know I've seen them...

She tried to reach out to me a year or so ago when she ran into my mom and gave her her phone number to give to me. I truly wanted to call her...then lost the number...

What if I had...

In highschool she was never ready to hear about Jesus...She was into some pretty dark stuff (also a coping mechanism) but from what my mom said the day she gave her her phone number and from the look in her eyes in this picture. What if I had called her? I know I can't save her but when is the last time she's heard the message? 4th or 5th grade when she left St. Johns? When her life fell apart around her? I never even bothered to water or re-plant that seed to share the hope of a future, and to make it worse God put it on my heart real heavy that day and I still didn't call her.

I can't sleep now.... the hopelessness of those eyes... and the back of my mind...

Tomorrow could be one day to late.

Judge away world, beat her down and make sure she stays there... feel better about yourself...share her misery with the world and let complete strangers judge as well.

I'm a hypocrite though, how many times have I watched someone on the news do something stupid and call them that? Some people really are just bad people...and some people take in a broken world and have nothing left. Seeing a face I now in a article like this, I will now think more before I pass judgment on someone or share the news.... Because sharing is not in and of itself a bad thing, and nothing is going to stop mean comments on something like this. I'm just going to try to check my  motives of why I'm sharing something and see if they are good. Does EVERYONE on your friends list need to know this? Because until today I've never really thought of it.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ...Matthew 7:1,2~

The draw back of small town life, the drawback of the media infused world..

they are both blessings and curses..

and my heart hurts....look at her eyes. (taken from the article photo and cropped by me)

When I find it I'll add the picture of us when we were about 6 or 7 building a snowman...

Pray.

Here is an article that explains her mental health issues...I think her mother had the same problem.
http://www.newhealthguide.org/Pathological-Liar.html
(I wouldn't be suprised if most or even all of the "Causes" in this definition are true for her.)


it's a sickness...

It's not an excuse...it's a reason. It doesn't make it right or fair..but when sin entered this world nither of those things are always a part of life.

Completely Normal Chaos.

I think my new normal is broken.

an awareness of the brokenness of this world. Whether it's residing in myself or in the everyday people I interact with.  If it's in a conversation with a frustrated child, or a frustrated adult the basic feeling is the same. "what is going on, why can't I get you to understand...how do I explain."

I'm not sure how to write this without showing the complete breakdown and lack of faith I have in...well everything. My choices I've made and the ones I and my husband will have to make in the next half year or so. My faith in my ability to be okay with what life is....

because life just is.


My whole life has been a battle against loneliness self imposed, imagined, or circumstance, and depression.

Broken.

Right now the loneliness isn't so much a physical obvious thing, I'm obviously not alone, an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and even my friends. But a loneliness in my walk of faith, and my walk in life. Where I'm at exactly is hard to define...It's not single and looking and it's not married with children (Everyone my age around me falls into those two categories).  It's not on fire for God, and it's not a complete lack of faith...it's like a distance that could be fixed by picking up his word....but no desire at all to do so....and no encouragement in sight then what I can try to find deep down in me...somewhere.

I'm scared.

This last week broke me. Like way more then I wanted to admit. It broke me emotionally and spiritually. I've spent the last 5 days in a funk (I started crying Friday when a rock hit my windshield and cracked it all the way across) My husbands reaction "it's just a windshield" but by then after a failed bible study and friends backing out for hanging out ...it was just to much. I'm trying to figure out just why one thing not working out could set up such an alarming and out of control spiral...I'm leery of writing because I don't want to make anyone feel bad because I know life just is...Life just happens completely normal chaos.

I miss community group...and I know that even that is changing...

I'm so empty, its just echoing in my head empty empty empty like racket ball in an empty racketball room...which is bad bad bad because with that much empty space in my heart and soul who knows what could fill it up. Where did it go? How did I not know until it was gone? How do I make anyone understand... It went with wherever my desire to try to start a bible group went...crushed under busy schedules, children, and marriages. It went wherever my church went...slowly stripping away my desire even to TRY to work on my personal walk with God. It's that lapse on my end this crippling defeat that has emptied me.  For I am to fill myself with Godly things and let my mind dwell on them...

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" ~Psalm 37:4~

At last the truth: my bible study didn't happen because it wasn't the time...my heart isn't right so how could I have expected to do that. Maybe i hoped it would help me get back on track. I don't know. I feel silly for even trying when it's so clear now...this is not the time. I'm so desperate for something anything...fellowship...worship...

I'm. not. Alright.

isn't life...

I could blame so many many things on this fall out with God. I could blame my church, I could blame my pastor, my husband for not being a spiritual lead, my friends for not making the time, the fact that I can't have children...

When it comes down to it though, It's all on me, my choices of what to do with my time, my heart. It was all I could do to make myself go to Church on Sunday. Sometimes I wish I had never EVER stepped foot into St Marcus...it hurts still over a  year later to think about that church I cried yesterday for missing that church. But what do I miss? God's word is still being spoke here in Dowagiac...ah but it's so much more....here it's so much less...here it's stale...stagment...broken.

Depressed. Let Down.
Defeated.

I'm not proud of this post and it has taken me days to get the courage to evaluate myself this much to write it... I'm frustrated because I know all the right words. God has a plan, God's got it, yet it seems so

Empty.

I need some time with God and a mental vacation (t-mac) and have no desire to try to make it happen. I'm so blessed in life it's unbelievable...yet here I am.

what next.



~I don't want you all to think I'm miserable I really am for the most part okay with life..but the one thing that I stand on ..that solid rock..right now my sinful nature is shaking me...and I'm terrified I'm going to lose the battle...and when you start questioning your faith in what basically makes up your being..well it's a little overwhelming to handle. I've gone through "droughts" in the past with my walk with God...but this feeling of defeat...this lack of passion is new...unsettling.. and not okay. ~

Why can't we share something that isn't even ours?

Rude.

Sometimes I think we all are to quick to judge someone as rude.

Today, I got to go get some pretty amazing pictures. Now, I don't really consider myself a photographer but I really do enjoy taking pictures. Specially of things in nature. I think in this way me, you, and the professional are all the same.

However, it's people like the people I pissed off today taking this picture...that make me never want to try to make it a serious hobby....

So picture behind me 4 fancy photographers, with their high end clothing and super amazing cameras and big obnoxious tripods...ALL of whom hear me approach behind them know I'm standing there waiting trying to take a picture behind them (with out them in it... does anyone know how short I am?) I even checked to see if I could go on the other side (I couldn't). this was 6 feet away from me and one step down....angled down all the way.

I knew I could avoid 3 of the cameras but the one was questionable so I waited and when he moved away from his camera I went through. At any point, the approach or the almost in the way,the guy could have said, "Could you wait a second it's shooting a video and will be done in such and such time." Because seriously how was I suppose to know you would take a video of something that won't move. At no point did these guys ask if I would like to pass, or get a picture.

Instead, when I start realizing the guy is mad I hear him saying, "aaaaaand she's in my shot" and his buddy saying "did someone get in your picture" with the response "of course I was filming" followed by "that's rude." (did I mention I was the only other person around??) So hear I am being called names literally behind my back trying not to start crying. Because everyone who knows me knows I can NOT deal with people being upset with me for any reason even complete strangers.

 Here I am though this little nobody with my little Glorified Nikon Digital Camera..trying to get one picture and get back to her husband who is waiting back further and out of the cold. One picture without someone in it...God forbid I have the same rights as someone with training and fancy equipment. So I take my picture fast and shaking because I'm upset and now I have to turn around and go back through...the humiliation... why do I always feel so guilty?? My mind racing, do I talk to them, do I apologize does it even matter? God I wish I could have jumped in that freezing lake and froze to death. 

Of course I say "sorry, I didn't realize you were filming." and his response "Well that's why you need to ask" Then I made some sort of joke about being short and got a" yeah I know what you mean from a different guy." and left. It wasn't worth saying you could have asked me to stop. You could have acknowledge my existence...it wasn't wroth telling them how bad I felt they didn't care. I walked just as far as they did on a pier covered with nothing but ice, I climbed over ice walls and I was freezing just like them. When you are on a pier that's not even set up for pedestrians covered with ice surrounded by freezing water there really are not to many options of taking a picture somewhere else. 

(I and they were standing on a spot more narrow then even this covered with just what you see in this picture)

I know now to ask instead of wait for a turn because I guess sharing and letting someone pass isn't an option anymore. I will some how face my fear of speaking to strangers (even in stores I hate saying excuse me to get through I tend to turn around and go another way). I'm just broken like that.  I tried hard not to be rude, and failed. Which makes me think, how many people have I called rude wrongly?? You never know the thought process a person might have had before doing what could be considered a rude action.

I hope those men got their shot eventually and I bet it will be WAY more amazing then my pathetic attempt at a picture. I really was sorry albeit angry as well.

So worth the trip.

Also, another thing I have found in my picture taking hobby (if you could call it that) some people get really mad when you take a picture from the same spot they are? They found the spot first and no one else should get to take the picture. How many people have stood there before you? I don't get it, when taking pictures of something that really anyone can see if they want to how can you get mad when people get the same picture as you?? Why does it matter? I'm seriously curious about this I've had people down right mad at me for taking a picture they took...

I love the things I get to see in this world, and God's power is truly apparent in it always. He made if for everyone...why is it so hard to share something that isn't even yours?

end rant.

LOOK UP!!

After that last downer...

Real fast some clarifications.

1.  I have no doubt that foster care/adoption is going to be amazing. I was the child (and some of my oldest and dearest friends will attest to this.) That most of my "lets pretend" time I was an orphan or running and orphanage...So yes when I say it's not the same as actually carrying a child to term I simply mean it's not the same not that it's going to be any less rewarding or that I can't love an adopted child just as much. It's just different.

2. I have no doubt God has a plan and as loving the reminders are it's honestly getting to the point where it's making me crazy. I know God has a plan and my guilt comes in that the just knowing that doesn't help ALL the time. Most of the time yes but not all. I am human I'm working on it.

3. I love each an everyone of you who read this blog and love me regardless. Thank-You all so much for the support the love and the prayers.


Now, onward Christian Soldiers. To a totally different topic.

It's amazing to me how some "Christians" just get it so so wrong. It's amazing to me how some "non-Christians" get it so wrong. This world as the bible says will get worse but I honestly feel like it's falling apart around me. People are crazy,

We are so selfish, so full of entitlement so sold on this everyone is right, has a right is a God, can be your own God philosophy. So FREE.

Free to judge
Free to speak
Free to take law into your own hand
Free to trample anyone who dears to think different
Free to do whatever the hell you want.

It's in these Freedoms we have lost

Our ability to love
Our ability to listen
Our ability to feel safe in our communities
Our ability to consider others thoughts and opinions, and by doing so learn and grow and if you find yourself in the wrong...change.
Our ability to share, have compassion, and build something better for our children.

I'm so tired of being slapped in the face because I'm a "Christian" Living in a world where the term "Christian is almost a swear word, sneered at. Then before I can get truly mad, some one, calling themselves a "Christian" proves the worlds point we are a laughing stock.  How do you fight ignorance with more ignorance? How do you spread Gods word at all if you are only looking out for yourself? If you are to busy judging someone else...

This whole world needs to take a step back and chill out. Shut off the news, sign out of facebook, set your phone down....LOOK UP.  We think this world is better this progress is so grand. Look I can have anything I want at the click of a button. I can get the answer to any question with a snap of my fingers. I don't have to talk to another human for DAYS if I don't want to even if they are in the next cubical, the next room or the same room. I also don't have to be able to use my reason, common sense, or form my own opinion on any subject. It's all there plastered on the internet blaring out of the T.V.

Zombies.

I'm drowning. I don't know about you, but this world where everything is instant makes me tired. Yet I'm just like you... on my Ipad, on facebook, plugged in looking down and losing...losing what? When the world is so broken instead of searching for the beauty that is still there I hide in an endless parade on my newsfeed liking pictures Pining my life one click at a time all the while missing...missing out on laughter, nature, the pride in working hard.. and worst of all my walk with God.

Always choosing to see the good side of everyone's life and feel bad about my own. Or rolling my eyes at another post from that person about how BAD there life is. At least they are willing to admit it's not perfect....I'm ready to reclaim my soul...

We are a sleepless world, twitching, over stimulated, diluted....all in the name of progress.


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P.S. I hate Fox News.

Okay I'm done talking now, I'm going to sign out. No more placing my guilt in front of me with ANOTHER baby picture on my facebook. It's not your fault at all I would probably do the same thing...It's mine for not being able to deal with it...so I'm happy for everyone one I love you all...but I can choose to stop looking and wishing...and hurting unnecessarily. I can't seem to stop comparing my life to others especially those with children and houses and seemingly more put together lives...

I've got a lot of guilt but this is one area I can start in controlling it.  Because they are doing nothing more then sharing....It's not their fault they are happy...

I know it's NOT what it seems and I'm not saying my life isn't good right now in this basement next to my husband on a computer. Warm, sheltered, feed, loved, and entertained. No I need to learn to be content in every situation and if flooding my eyes and brain with other peoples lives isn't helping me personally then maybe I need to LOOK UP!! Take my own advice....

save my soul.

In a world full of short cuts and instant...you would think I would have heaps of time to spend in God's word. You think we all would... Yet I don't. I haven't in a while...

So ask yourself where is all that time saved going?

who is it helping.

LOOK UP!! if not at your world around you then to the heavens to his glory. AMEN.

I plan to.

I CHOOSE TO BE FREE!!

(end note, I'm not deleting my facebook..just going to try to step back....TRY being the key word)

Too much guilt.

What about Grandchildren?

What about the responsibility to give your parents grand children? What about the feelings of inadequacy because your brother has been able to and you haven't and not from lack of wanting to.

I tell you there is a HUGE difference between not wanting children and not being able to have them. When I feel guilty because I know my mom wants more grand children and the pain in my heart as I told my mother in law that she might not get them from us either. It's like some how it's my fault or my husbands fault.

Now, here is where I'm at and I'm also struggling with inconsistent feelings toward our whole situation. Not sure if this is normal but it ranges from pure relief I don't have to go through pregnancy, that I don't have to have my children grow up and worry that they may trample my heart.

To complete and utter anguish because I won't know a mothers love, I won't see a little of me in a child that is mine, I won't hear my own child say I love you mommy, I might never be called mommy. The things in life that matter children to live for....

Enjoying almost to much the freedoms that come with not having children traveling, last minute plans,

I'm sorry this post is a bit sloppy....it's a true representation of my heart and brain...

Trying to sort of if its selfish of me to think along the lines of: if I don't have children by the time I'm 30 I don't want to have them at all. I don't want to be pushing 60 when my last kid is 18. I don't want to have a baby when all my friends are done. Yet I feel guilty because shouldn't it be God's choice and if I have these feelings why do I cry when someone else is pregnant. This flood of new babies this month is just crazy and it hurts so so bad. Whats up with that? I'm always so happy for them and at the same time so sad inside....is that sadness wrong or if I didn't have that sadness would that be wrong?

Sometimes what you want isn't what you get. I wanted to have babies early and for lack of a better way to explain it experience the love, the joy, the pain and get it over with. It didn't work like that and I have to face the very good possibility it wont happen at all ever.  Yes we plan to foster and maybe adopt...but it's not quit the same thing not the same experience. My husband and I may never get to see what a product of both our genes could be like.

Holidays are rough, guilt it rough,

I feel guilty for not having children. I feel guilty for being so upset that I don't have children. I feel guilty for making my husband feel bad when I do get upset. I feel guilty those time I feel relief I don't have children. I feel guilty because Im upset and therefor must not be trusting God enough. I feel guilty for setting an age limit. I feel guilty for not giving grandchildren to our parents. I feeling guilty for hurting when someone is pregnant (Not because they are having a baby but because its never more clear that I'm not). I feel guilty when I don't want to go to another baby shower or a friends child's birthday party. I feel guilty for thinking about the things I can do because I don't have children. I feel guilty for feeling so gosh darn selfish I even feel guilty for feeling guilty......Lets face it that is a lot of guilt.

Too much guilt.

Some couples are to the point in their childless journey to want to spend time with their friends kids. Though I think I am FINALLY in the last month or so there I'm not so sure if my husband is. I think I would love to steal my friends kids for a day let them have a day off and pretend they are mine.  I think I would love to go to their house and make cookies with their kids..Somehow I think I need to figure out how to have kids in my life outside of the classroom. I'm planning on trying it when my husband has more time after grad school.  I think it will be easier when we have a place of our own to spend time with kids. So you friends of mine with children that want a day off be aware because in 6-8 months I'm coming for your children!

Everyday is a step closer to if not acceptance then peace. Every day is a struggle and a battle, and every time I feel my husbands love, my friends support, and God's touch. I am thankful to have feeling at all. I'm thankful in the struggle and tired of the war. I'm not sure how to shake the guilt but I'll keep trying and moving along. Because in the loss of a dream in the face of a broken world. Hope and each other are all we got.

March on my soul,, be strong.