Miscarriage

It's really hard to know you have lost something you have been trying for months to get.

It's funny everyone that had babies said, you will just know when you are pregnant you will just feel it. I understand that now, I felt it my bra, and in my tummy.

Then to wake up to an alarming amount of blood and cramps and to know..just know in your heart and tummy...I was probably 4 weeks in... So I wasn't positive yet but I still knew...I was so hopeful we've been trying so hard.

It's over now after two days of the worst cramps in my life (being as I rarely get cramps at all), and I'll wait for that feeling again... I feel different to...empty, at least I don't have to buy new bras.

It hurts, I think some hormones are left over it's real easy to make me cry...

 God has his plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me plans to give me hope and a future. ~Jer 29:11~

"I am the Father, who comforts you in all your troubles" ~2 Cor 3:4~

Just.

Today I had the wonderful privilege to hang out with Jen and Angel and their kids...

Just when I was not feeling so strongly about needing a child....just when I was okay with waiting on God's timing. Just when I thought I had finished that battle. Just trying to do something nice for a friend.

But it hurt, and it's okay I know, I felt like this before Angel got married and I didn't even have a date in site. I felt like i was being left behind, left out, and that because of that I was going to lose Angel to Jen....and I'm always just behind. I'm so selfish, it hurts me but I know and I'm God's. I was wrong then, I'm wrong now.

I just needed to get that out.

I don't know about anyone else but sometimes I get thoughts or feelings or a still small voice. Feels like something is on my heart and it's always a specific person who you haven't thought of in a while that pops into my mind. Followed closely by an overwhelming urge that they need prayer. Like if I don't stop and pray for them right then I won't be able to take my next breath. Sometimes it almost makes me cry. Sometimes I feel like I should reach out, other times prayer is enough. Usually when I reach out it was welcomed and needed so I can only assume when I pray it is needed as well. Tonight, I prayed for Jonathan in China. I pray for him every night but this was different this was pray now and pray hard he needs help.

I like it when I can see the results of prayer, I don't need to see them to know they are heard and they work but it's nice when you see the results...and it's scary but I have a feeling his guardian beings post and my prayer all coincide if that's the case I think I need to go thank God. What power there is in prayer. Praise the Lord.

Contentment

I will find contentment in this city, in spring.....

I will.

It's funny how not having the internet changes things. I read more, play board games, and go to the gym. However, this has been missed. In fact married life is fantastic we had a blizzard on Tuesday night and had the following two days off, holed up in our apartment. Just Kevin, myself and the cats. It really was nice. It's nice to have it over as well. See the thing is I miss people. I find myself missing various parts of my life randomly. Wed, I wanted to play DDR and I found myself missing the Eclipse. The concerts, the Switch Kids, working the front door with SaraH. Chad and Dana, Cleve, Kelly, Amanda, Carrie L, Jason, Sam, Denny...Everyone...Then I find myself wondering what everyone is up to now. What happened to us. I feel like I got married and then I fell of the face of the earth. I work, I come home, I try to find somethign for dinner, I go to bed, I do it all again somehow at the end of each pay period I am still broke.... I am board. I know this is a sin. I'm not unhappy just restless. Not in my marriage but I want to do something....anything really.

I'm rambeling. I miss really I just miss people, people I knew and that knew me, who I use to be and what I use to dream. People I'm not friends with anymore or people that will never be friends again. I just miss...Summertime, Angel girl, Linedancing, the group it's amaizng really how many people you can miss in your life. How many people touch you and then after a season are just gone. You try to hang on but is it worth it? It's never going to be the same again it can't be life goes on...but we still miss. Then I just think how amazing humans really are and how frusterating we must be to God. I mean he pours out blessing after blessing and we take and take and take then wish and wish and wish for what we once had.

For example...I remember summer after summer after day after day, one bad relationship to the next thinking..When God when is it my turn send my a husband....watching my friends get married have babies.."when is it my turn" and here I am...my turn came and went and I say...boy do I wish I could be single jsut long enough to spend a night with Angel like we use too. God linedancing and half heartedly pick out guys to pick on....Yes...we have to be annoying yet he loves us.

So this is what I strive for now waiting on Gods time to linedance again...since I have been asked to give it up for a time....I strive for contentment I pray for it daily and somewhere in the hollow of summers past I can find somethign to hold on to and smile...as I expectantly move forward to whats next, more summers...

I strive for contentment in a city, far from my family, making a life with my husband...doing it his way...I give up open fields, trees, fresh air until God tells me okay now it is time. It will be better that way I pray I pray for the contentment to go to work...smile...laugh...and pray. I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a worker, I can still have dreams they are just different...I am blessed.

I.am.blessed.

Married

So, here I am, married, working...loving it.

Lets start,

We got back from the honeymoon and the next day went to the Humane Society to get myself a kitten. Yes just one kitten. We left that day with two cats myself and my slightly alergic to cats husband. True story. The cats names Moses and Pharaoh also a true story. They adjusted well and seem to be very happy in our home. I love them greatly more often then not at the end of a day of work you will find the whole family sitting on the couch. Two adults and two cats it's really rather plesent.

Setting up an apartment has been if anything interesting. Sepcially with small storage space and no money. However, it has fallen together quit nicely and it feels like a home. Which is a pain in the butt to keep clean but I make an attempt at it. Someday when I have a computer at home again with internet access I will download pics so you can see the apartment. Until then just imagen it.

I started work the Monday after we got back from the honeymoon at the daycare. I tell you I love it already. Spent this past week working with children that could talk to me and after a year with a baby it's like heaven. Also I have co-workers that I can talk to throughout the day which is also something you take for granted until you don't have it. It is ran smoothly and it's nice to be working at a daycare where every one LOVEs thier job, this is then reflected in the way they treat the children and the amount the parents like the daycare. Just works wonderful. Of course like all daycares and work places thier is drama we are human. However, the kids are a blast and I am constantly reminded of a child from St. Johns in Dowagiac, its really rather fun. I pride myself in the fact that it only took me 3 days to be trained and that my boss said "She is great, you tell her how to do it once and she can do it ask her to do something and she is on it." It's nice to know a boss appereciates you! Small wonder it was such an easy transition it is ran so closely to the way St Johns was that it's like being home, only happier and a more Christain feeling environment. Yes, I like my job, no it is not perfect but hardly any job is. I always forget how much I love children when I stop working with them for a while. But when I go back it's wonderful. the hours are a little iffy but I'll take what I can get. God.is.so.good.

Yes life isn't all happy right now, my grandma is currently in the hospital I miss dancing and my family and Angel girl something ferice but I will survive. It is nice having a home, and it's nice being around friends once again though I have yet to really see them because of my job hours.

The honeymoon was grand and the time spent in Gunnison and Lincoln other then the big trees, was my favorit. It's nice to see other peoples lives that have ment so much to you before. This is all I really have time to post right now I'll catch you later.

Redding CA

When I was younger I had a list of things I wanted to see and or do. Number one on that list in 8th grade was "Go to the Sierra Nevada's" I never know until now just what I was going to see, but this afternoon while driving down highway 44 toward Reddings CA I feel in love with my dream. Who would have thought that that awkward disliked girl in 8th grade would ever find herself married and driving through the Sierras? Sometimes it's bittersweet to see a dream come true before your eyes...yet here I am.

As the pines rolled past us, and the angel dust fell, the sliver of Gods fingernail slipped over a mountain drifting in fog. I feel in love with these trees. I thought I loved England don't get me wrong it was fantastic, I thought I loved the Grand Canyon don't get me wrong still way high on my list. But this this was different. I don't know if it was the fact I was sharing it with Kevin, or the fact that I had longed for it for so long. I have no words to explain...but God is so good. As he has shown me today.