Today we went to a birthday party. Her first non-family, lots of kids, all out, full fledged, party. A party that we drove nearly an hour to attend. Today was a HUGE success. Yet, I still left with that all too familiar, indescribable sadness in my heart, for my amazingly sweet, sensitive, child who doesn't quite fit in by the worlds standards. For what it means to be a mother to who this child is…a child few understand. A reality she will face for the rest of her life. Still praying she finds a "best friend' who loves her for her. Yet at the same time knowing there is nothing wrong with my child. FULL STOP.
Today was a HUGE success. It was the first time we were able to vocalize needs, acknowledge/label body/brain feelings (excited, overwhelmed, racing heart, sadness, and lots of anxiety) and utilize the tools we’ve gained through OT and in our sensory bag when needed. (Thanking God for the swing one of her first and most constant calming activities) Not perfectly, not the entire time, and especially not by the end…but it’s a start. It’s hope, on what has been, and will be a long lonely road.
As a parent, what was a huge success for me, may look like something else entirely to others.
They saw a lonely child who couldn’t seem to join in with all the others. (My heart feels this all the time)
I (my brain) saw a child just happy to be around/near all kinds of sensory input (sun, water, noise, wind, rain, strangers, rambunctious kids, and smells) NOT freaking out about it, or shutting down/withdrawing right away like she used to. A child comfortable enough to know she doesn't WANT to be in the thick of the chaos, and happy to do her own thing.
They saw a child who's overall interactions with her peers (allbit very few) seemed "bossy."
I saw a child who was making her desires, and opinions known (we are working on doing so kindly, now that we finally have the words) that could not do so even 6 months ago. She still struggles with clarity and is often not understood. A fact that is a source of great and understandable frustration for her. We're working on it.
They saw a child who was reserved, “shy”
I saw a child who observes everything, feels deeply, weighs the risk, takes it to heart, and processes slower than others. I saw a child happy to do her own thing.
They saw a child obsessively arranging/moving chairs when they were going to be used very soon or were even being used at the moment.
I saw a child trying to regain control of ANYTHING because every fiber of her being was feeling out of control.
They saw a child melting down from “not wanting to leave” and possibly thought we were being ridiculous or “no fun parents” for doing so. (This is likely only in my head in this scenario but it’s real and it’s HARD)
I saw a child melting down from overwhelm, from ALL the fun and sensations, where the final straw was “not wanting to leave.”
They did not see the wandering, stumbling, lip picking, finger tensing, and specific vocalization, (all signals of dysregulation/overstimulation) that I saw, prior to deciding it was time to go. We should have left about 30 min earlier than we did.
They did not hear the sigh of relief when we were on the road in the air conditioned car. They did not hear the panic/freak out over the sand stuck to her feet we had to pull over to wipe off.
They did not hear about all the fun she had today and how she “can’t wait to go to another friend's birthday party.” Though she barely interacted with another child.
They will not see the sensory “hangover” we will likely have, if not tonight then tomorrow. They will not see how much she will struggle with everyday tasks, sensations, coordination, reflex's, focus, and sleep. They will not see the parents who are tired, stressed, and sad. That fun = 24+ hours of easily hurt, easily frustrated, explosive feelings, and endless tears for their child. (All parents know the general crazy that happens after lots of fun and lots of sugar, generally burnt off in a matter of minutes, hours, or after a good sleep. This is that... but to an extreme that you can’t understand if you have a neurotypical child.) They will not understand why she can’t just have one more sweet and stay just a bit longer, surely she will be just fine. (These comments are not specific to this party, but we hear them ALOT)
Today was a huge success, and a GREAT party, we were so happy to attend. While, it was hard to leave only half way through…while it was hard to feel like a “mean” mom because she was so desperate to stay. Experience has taught me that “not wanting to leave” isn’t the issue, and staying won’t make the meltdown stop (this is the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. One ends when given what is wanted, the other won’t end or shifts to something else, almost immediately, regardless.) We left with mostly a positive experience. Instead of staying and ruining the rest of the party for everyone. Yes, leaving is hard for everyone, leaving the fun is ALWAYS hard, but for someone with sensory processing issues it's astoundingly necessary. Bailing when the overwhelm is just starting to manifest might just shave off a few hours of the 24+ hours of struggle that follows if we ignore the signs of overwhelm. Someday, it is my hope she will be able to listen to her body and understand/have the tools to cope on her own. Unapologetically. With time she has been able to sustain longer and longer stimulating experiences and I have hope that this trend will continue as well. (Some of todays success can be credited to the fact I made sure she had a calm/down day yesterday.)
I am trying to not feel guilty/bad. There is nothing wrong with my child, there is nothing wrong with teaching her to listen to her body and respect the boundaries it needs. She is still very young, so until she has a better awareness, I know I need to be the voice of reason against the “I want to stay. ” I hope to give her the ability to listen to the voice in her head that says “this has been great, but it’s time to go” I hope her inner voice is much more kind and wiser, at an earlier than mine...(I am still fighting a very negative and harsh inner dialog)
Today was so good! I am sorry we couldn’t stay. I’m 100% sure we did the right thing for our child/family leaving when we did. I'm so proud of my little girl. I'm exhausted.
