"Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed." ~Psalm 119:116~
In the waiting I wonder if we have it wrong...that I'm hearing/feeling/interpreting Gods will wrong. I wonder if we are wrong not to pursue IVF or other options. When I'm 50 am I going to look back and think..what if? Isn't that how life is though a series of choices that you have to live with...and other times I'm certain we've got this right. Where is the line before trust, and selfishness?
I feel like my Facebook news-feed spews out a ton of pregnancy announcements and "moms are the best" articles in cycles... to mock me...
In dark moments hurting and praying, the peace that God gives me is overwhelming. I wonder with out this struggle would I know his peace this intimately? I almost walked away from him at the start of this and at other points on this path but each time I tried I only ended up holding on to his word harder. Would I hold on to Him this tightly if I didn't have this cross?
There is hope... this does not mean you will get what you think you want ...but hope for the pain, for the hurting...there is hope regardless because God knows your hurt and your pain...
take heart he has overcome.
So if you are struggling with infertility for any reason, known or unknown. Grab hold of that hope, that overwhelming peace and carry it with you like a blanket, so when you feel like you can't go on, do another round of treatment, another failed IVF attempt, take the next step, withstand one more negative pregnancy test, function through a period that came late and gave you this false hope. When you are angry at God for these things that bring you to your knees. Give it to him. Give it to him good (David did and God didn't crumble). Be angry, cry, yell at the sky, but whatever you do don't cut that line that holds you up that brings the dawn after your darkest night. That invisible string tying your heart to Gods grace and peace. You won't always feel that peace that hope...in fact most of the time it will feel like a hurricane.
This struggle will hurt every step of the way, possibly for your entire life... but you are not alone.
March on my Soul....be strong.
