Saturday, May 20, 2017

But one day...

It's been almost 9 months...I've survived Christmas, my due date, countless pregnancy announcements, births, and mothers day..(barely I thought I hated mother-day before this past year happened) I've cried, I've been angry, I've been on meds for depression and anxiety then off them again (for now)...a lot has gone wrong in the last year and honestly little has gone right. But each day is new and every breath is a miracle.

I still struggle with a unrealistic fear of the dark or more the shadows that shift and sneer at the edge of darkness. As if they followed me home from the dim shadows of a hospital room.  After a night that apparently will never, I no longer have to have some sort of light on at night, but sometimes it takes an awful lot of deep breaths and a lot of praying to keep the panic at bay while laying in bed.  I'm sure the shadows are closing in and I can't watch them all at once...driving at night is almost impossible. I no longer take walks alone at night(those who knew me in college and after know that was a huge coping mechanism for me). I try my hardest to be home before dark unless someone is in the car with heart gets funny.

Its on the rough nights, (like this one) that follow a fantastic day (like I just had)... That I can't help but wonder...

what is wrong with me.

Whats wrong in my brain to make night so hard...and darkness so overwhelmingly dark.

Almost 9 months since I had to un-tell something wonderful.
A full school year.
A classroom full of three and four year old children who hug me and love me and absolutely slay me each and every day.
17 kids who I helped make their Mother's a Mothers Day gift  and watched give said gifts to their mothers...this mothers day that was FINALLY suppose to be different.

My job is so rewarding and so heartbreaking at the same time.

Two people mentioned River to me last weekend and assured me I was a mother even if I didn't get flowers or gifts...and yes they undid all the tears I had swallowed, but their acknowledgment of what never got a chance to be, helps me know I don't remember alone it meant the world to me. I needed them to know that.

9 months and I have absolutely have zero desire to ever be pregnant again. I have friends who say that will pass, but deep down if I was completely honest I very much doubt it. I was a mess pregnant I didn't want to be that way and I often wonder if my emotions had been more stable everything would have been different. I can't help but wonder...I know it changes nothing all this wondering.

 what is wrong with me.

I want to love all the children now...all those who's parents couldn't realize the incredible privilege and blessing their child if my existing ability to love all children has be magnified by the love I have for a child I never held...

I just suck at waiting...
Like really really suck.

waiting on a savings account (or a miracle) to buy a house with...then waiting to find a house and actually closing a deal on it, after that waiting to get through all the paperwork and red tape to become approved for foster care. It all seems so far away and so absolutely impossible.

I just suck at waiting
Like really really suck.
and something is wrong with me

Its the anxiety thing, the "it's been a rough year" thing, it's an inability to believe something could actually work out. Because my hope has been deferred so.many.times.

It's been 9 months, I'm okay really I am...just sometimes, some nights I'm not. It's not a lack of faith. its an inability to remember that my faith is founded on someone who has overcome the things that creep and sneer in the edges of darkness. Peace is easier to hold when the sun is shining and the 2AM  blog entry seems to be silly.

Hi, I'm Leah,

I haven't been here in a while at least not really not fully.
I don't want to make anybody sad.
I don't write for pity, or sympathy

I write so I can hear my thoughts plain, so I can convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I write so I can talk myself out of feeling insane. I'm an insomniac who is scared of the dark. I'm 1 in 8..I'm a mess. I've lost a baby..but thats not it. This is not my defining qualities...It's part of who I am but life is so much more.

Hi, I'm Leah,
I'm a teacher
I'm a wife
I'm a daughter
I'm a sister
I'm an aunt
I'm a friend
I'm a writer
I'm a book worm
I'm a creator of beautiful things
I'm a line dancer

most importantly of all

I'm a Redeemed Child of God

I've come through a dark time and almost gave up on life.

but one day...

So it seems

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