Saturday, January 3, 2015

Too much guilt.

What about Grandchildren?

What about the responsibility to give your parents grand children? What about the feelings of inadequacy because your brother has been able to and you haven't and not from lack of wanting to.

I tell you there is a HUGE difference between not wanting children and not being able to have them. When I feel guilty because I know my mom wants more grand children and the pain in my heart as I told my mother in law that she might not get them from us either. It's like some how it's my fault or my husbands fault.

Now, here is where I'm at and I'm also struggling with inconsistent feelings toward our whole situation. Not sure if this is normal but it ranges from pure relief I don't have to go through pregnancy, that I don't have to have my children grow up and worry that they may trample my heart.

To complete and utter anguish because I won't know a mothers love, I won't see a little of me in a child that is mine, I won't hear my own child say I love you mommy, I might never be called mommy. The things in life that matter children to live for....

Enjoying almost to much the freedoms that come with not having children traveling, last minute plans,

I'm sorry this post is a bit's a true representation of my heart and brain...

Trying to sort of if its selfish of me to think along the lines of: if I don't have children by the time I'm 30 I don't want to have them at all. I don't want to be pushing 60 when my last kid is 18. I don't want to have a baby when all my friends are done. Yet I feel guilty because shouldn't it be God's choice and if I have these feelings why do I cry when someone else is pregnant. This flood of new babies this month is just crazy and it hurts so so bad. Whats up with that? I'm always so happy for them and at the same time so sad that sadness wrong or if I didn't have that sadness would that be wrong?

Sometimes what you want isn't what you get. I wanted to have babies early and for lack of a better way to explain it experience the love, the joy, the pain and get it over with. It didn't work like that and I have to face the very good possibility it wont happen at all ever.  Yes we plan to foster and maybe adopt...but it's not quit the same thing not the same experience. My husband and I may never get to see what a product of both our genes could be like.

Holidays are rough, guilt it rough,

I feel guilty for not having children. I feel guilty for being so upset that I don't have children. I feel guilty for making my husband feel bad when I do get upset. I feel guilty those time I feel relief I don't have children. I feel guilty because Im upset and therefor must not be trusting God enough. I feel guilty for setting an age limit. I feel guilty for not giving grandchildren to our parents. I feeling guilty for hurting when someone is pregnant (Not because they are having a baby but because its never more clear that I'm not). I feel guilty when I don't want to go to another baby shower or a friends child's birthday party. I feel guilty for thinking about the things I can do because I don't have children. I feel guilty for feeling so gosh darn selfish I even feel guilty for feeling guilty......Lets face it that is a lot of guilt.

Too much guilt.

Some couples are to the point in their childless journey to want to spend time with their friends kids. Though I think I am FINALLY in the last month or so there I'm not so sure if my husband is. I think I would love to steal my friends kids for a day let them have a day off and pretend they are mine.  I think I would love to go to their house and make cookies with their kids..Somehow I think I need to figure out how to have kids in my life outside of the classroom. I'm planning on trying it when my husband has more time after grad school.  I think it will be easier when we have a place of our own to spend time with kids. So you friends of mine with children that want a day off be aware because in 6-8 months I'm coming for your children!

Everyday is a step closer to if not acceptance then peace. Every day is a struggle and a battle, and every time I feel my husbands love, my friends support, and God's touch. I am thankful to have feeling at all. I'm thankful in the struggle and tired of the war. I'm not sure how to shake the guilt but I'll keep trying and moving along. Because in the loss of a dream in the face of a broken world. Hope and each other are all we got.

March on my soul,, be strong.


  1. Don't guilt yourself about your feelings. They're just your feelings. You need to have them. Feelings are always valid, that's their nature. Beyond that, you'll never control your feelings, no matter how hard you try. What you do control is your actions - those you can feel guilty about (if you need to!)
    There's nothing wrong with making the best out of your situation. Go on your trips! It makes no sense to sequester yourself away, living in penance for something that's not only out of your control, but not even wrong!
    I hope you guys do adopt. I hope you'll find it more fulfilling than you think.
    And if you don't, there's nothing inherently wrong with living childless - though it may be wrong for you. People do it. I'll admit that I, like you, was raised to believe that children are the point of life, but there are many people nowadays who are choosing to remain childless. What do they do? How do they find fulfillment? I don't know! You could find out! There have to be online forums and whatnot.
    As for family, your brother might be the grandchild provider. I can't imagine that your parents would value you any less. And they already have grandchildren. Don't be greedy! ;) I'm joking, of course, but your family will love you regardless, and the best thing you can do for them is be happy on your path. Your parents want you to be happy, and if you can figure out how to do it, they'll accept whatever path takes you there.
    Not that I know anything, I'm 26 and haven't started to think about having these kinds of problems yet. That's just my 2 cents.
    Love always and distant hugs

  2. And don't feel bad about feeling bad! You're allowed to grieve. That's natural and healthy. You'll never work through your feelings if you keep trying to fix them, instead of trying to fix your actions and attitudes (which you can control).