I think my new normal is broken.
an awareness of the brokenness of this world. Whether it's residing in myself or in the everyday people I interact with. If it's in a conversation with a frustrated child, or a frustrated adult the basic feeling is the same. "what is going on, why can't I get you to understand...how do I explain."
I'm not sure how to write this without showing the complete breakdown and lack of faith I have in...well everything. My choices I've made and the ones I and my husband will have to make in the next half year or so. My faith in my ability to be okay with what life is....
because life just is.
My whole life has been a battle against loneliness self imposed, imagined, or circumstance, and depression.
Right now the loneliness isn't so much a physical obvious thing, I'm obviously not alone, an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and even my friends. But a loneliness in my walk of faith, and my walk in life. Where I'm at exactly is hard to define...It's not single and looking and it's not married with children (Everyone my age around me falls into those two categories). It's not on fire for God, and it's not a complete lack of faith...it's like a distance that could be fixed by picking up his word....but no desire at all to do so....and no encouragement in sight then what I can try to find deep down in me...somewhere.
This last week broke me. Like way more then I wanted to admit. It broke me emotionally and spiritually. I've spent the last 5 days in a funk (I started crying Friday when a rock hit my windshield and cracked it all the way across) My husbands reaction "it's just a windshield" but by then after a failed bible study and friends backing out for hanging out ...it was just to much. I'm trying to figure out just why one thing not working out could set up such an alarming and out of control spiral...I'm leery of writing because I don't want to make anyone feel bad because I know life just is...Life just happens completely normal chaos.
I miss community group...and I know that even that is changing...
I'm so empty, its just echoing in my head empty empty empty like racket ball in an empty racketball room...which is bad bad bad because with that much empty space in my heart and soul who knows what could fill it up. Where did it go? How did I not know until it was gone? How do I make anyone understand... It went with wherever my desire to try to start a bible group went...crushed under busy schedules, children, and marriages. It went wherever my church went...slowly stripping away my desire even to TRY to work on my personal walk with God. It's that lapse on my end this crippling defeat that has emptied me. For I am to fill myself with Godly things and let my mind dwell on them...
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" ~Psalm 37:4~
At last the truth: my bible study didn't happen because it wasn't the time...my heart isn't right so how could I have expected to do that. Maybe i hoped it would help me get back on track. I don't know. I feel silly for even trying when it's so clear now...this is not the time. I'm so desperate for something anything...fellowship...worship...
I'm. not. Alright.
I could blame so many many things on this fall out with God. I could blame my church, I could blame my pastor, my husband for not being a spiritual lead, my friends for not making the time, the fact that I can't have children...
When it comes down to it though, It's all on me, my choices of what to do with my time, my heart. It was all I could do to make myself go to Church on Sunday. Sometimes I wish I had never EVER stepped foot into St Marcus...it hurts still over a year later to think about that church I cried yesterday for missing that church. But what do I miss? God's word is still being spoke here in Dowagiac...ah but it's so much more....here it's so much less...here it's stale...stagment...broken.
Depressed. Let Down.
I'm not proud of this post and it has taken me days to get the courage to evaluate myself this much to write it... I'm frustrated because I know all the right words. God has a plan, God's got it, yet it seems so
I need some time with God and a mental vacation (t-mac) and have no desire to try to make it happen. I'm so blessed in life it's unbelievable...yet here I am.
~I don't want you all to think I'm miserable I really am for the most part okay with life..but the one thing that I stand on ..that solid rock..right now my sinful nature is shaking me...and I'm terrified I'm going to lose the battle...and when you start questioning your faith in what basically makes up your being..well it's a little overwhelming to handle. I've gone through "droughts" in the past with my walk with God...but this feeling of defeat...this lack of passion is new...unsettling.. and not okay. ~