Monday, December 1, 2014

I don't want your pity.

Proverbs 30:15-16
“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

Never satisfied... The barren womb.

In other words it's okay that I still deal with complete and utter heartache.  It's a natural desire. My.heart.hurts.

I won't apologize for writing about it yet again...
Sometimes I need to know it's okay to not be so strong, because the days when I'm not I'm really really not.

Recently my cousin and dear friend gave birth to her third child a beautiful baby boy who feels my heart with longing and joy and eyes with tears. I just don't understand how I can one day be like "I'm okay with out kids...and the next day barely able to get out of bed because without children my life and goals are basically over..."

I know there are others out there either through miscarriage, health, medical, emotional or any other reason who have found yourself and the point of life where children are normal even expected. Where you feel the world pointing at you (all married and almost 30 or older)...yelling "WHAT YOU DONT HAVE CHILDREN"... and you need to know its okay the world doesn't know your circumstance...It's normal, never knowing one moment to the next just where you stand with your cross you have been chosen to carry.

Normal a very important word for me right now when my life feels anything but someone who has never considered normal a thing..suddenly being normal is so important it takes my breath alarmingly Unreachable...

Sometimes I don't know who this blog helps or reaches, I have such long stretches without words, or with to much hurt...sometimes it's all just to much. Sometimes I'm busy trying to appear normal.

I found a blog today called "childless not by choice" a day where I really Really needed some encouragement just needed to know I'm not alone in this struggle..and I felt like I was just a kill joy for my friends...a broken record...or worse someone to pity. I don't want anyone's pity not ever...prayer, silent encouragement sure. I'm over statements like you will have a baby someday, or in Gods time, or even the I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just need a friend, sometimes I just need a hug, sometimes I need a friend to sit down watch a Jane Austen movie and eat cookie dough with me...(it's been a terrible long time since I've done that). More often then not I just need some time with God.

I'm so thankful for my job, they might not be my biological children, but I tell you I love them with the fierce protectiveness of a momma bear.  Their hugs sometimes are the only things that get me out of bed.  My womb might never know the miracle of carrying a baby but my heart has been touched by hundreds of children. That is a blessing some in my same struggle might not have. I encourage you to find away. Albeit It adds to the hurt sometimes......the good sure outweighs the bad.

Sometimes in life you have to take the good and the bad, the joy and the pain, the saint and the sinner add them together, divide them by 2 and live well.