Going through another time where I have too much I want to say, so I don't say anything at all.
I'm learning my limits as a good friend put it. To what I think I can and can't take with this no baby yet issue. Still I struggle with feeling like a bad person for not going to something simply because it's hard.
I remember back at the start...when my friends were having their first baby...and I was like that's okay, my kids can be friends with their next child...Watching the girls I grew up with that I had such a great childhood with talk about how their kids are going to grow up to be bests friends and marry each other and just sitting there smiling.. while they arrange play dates and times to hang out doing all the normal and expected things to do that come with parenthood....telling myself it's okay I don't want kids anyway.
How did Sarah and Abraham do it??
I have grown to hate baby showers....and again I feel like a terrible person. I don't hate the person for having a baby, I don't hate the person for celebrating that gift...I hate the empty ache inside my heart and womb.. (I'm crying as I write this) the lonely estranged feeling I get from my best friends because they are at a different part of life from me.
Its simple things sometimes like watching pure joy on a three year olds face when mom comes to pick them up from school...
holding a baby
typing a blog.
I know I'm keep coming back to this...I'm sure this wont be the last time I write about it.
It's a struggle and a loss, a loss of a dream it is a lose of an assumed future and, like ever loss, it will be grieved. ~Fill There Arms~
Someone told me the other day it's okay to grieve and cry about this sometimes...and I really needed to hear that.
God is good.