Friday, September 12, 2014

This is how a heart breaks.

I can't sleep,

for once I know why,

       A lot of you know that some of my inspiration for my blogs come from a certain friend I have on face book with some very very extreme and different beliefs then mine. (This is putting it nicely) Even when we have made each other mad, or have completely and utterly ignored or disagreed with the other we have maintained a certain degree of respect if for nothing more then the debate and the fact that we have known each other since 1st grade. For me the chance to defend my faith and opinions and in so doing learn just a little more about my apologetic abilities. It's also kept me aware of the arguments against "Christianity" that are out there because it never hurts to know the criticism of your faith. These reasons often out weighed the sometimes absurd and insensitive things he could come up with. Or the rather hateful things he would say toward "Christians"

    I say that to say this

         This will more then likely be my last blog inspired by (lets just call him Chad). I always thought it would be out of anger that I would delete him as a friend. That one of these days I would just read one of his intolerant and ill thought out status or comment on my status and delete him. I always thought about it and decided I didn't want to be one of those "Christians" that hes already said have done that to him because they didn't like what he had to say.Because their Holier then thouness kept them from seeing the truth about their faith.

Holier-than-thou   a label I DO NOT want to have...or bible thumping...The idea is pure but the methods are lacking... both those  titles require judging and hell fire and a I'm better then you attitude...that's not exactly what God had in mind when he said to go and make disciples....

       However, the reason for walking away from this friendship (if you can call it that) is to me 100 times sadder then anger at a stupid status. It's the blackness of a heart. A heart that is so full of righteous hate it can't find sympathy for the hurting at least not.if the hurting is "Christian." A person that honestly believes that Christians deserve to be persecuted because of the deeds done by sinful people in the name of God in the past I really don't need in my life.

       I know I'm a very calm, and loving person who sometimes sees the brokenness of the world and cry's real big tears...I mean I can't hardly watch violent TV shows and movies...Actually I really can't at all. They make my stomach upset and my head hurt.  So for me it's really really REALLY hard to even wrap my mind around anyone even thinking that persecuting (I'm talking all kinds, extreme and not extreme Violent and nonviolent) is in some way justified or deserved or okay...EVER.

   Today and really gradually lately conversations with (Chad) have left me feeling sad, they make my heart hurt. I mean how can anyone stand up to such blind and certain hatred? Our discussions have escalated quicker and quicker and the people he has in his court seem to be getting more and more extreme as well,  So.much.anger.

The fun of the debate is no longer outweighing the negativity....and I don't need it in my life. Like my Pastor in Milwaukee said be careful that your faith is not hurt.

   So. Much. Anger.....Anger at "Christians" because they make mistakes because some people that call themselves Christian are not in fact Christian at all. That we are all lumped together as pushy judgmental, gay hating, close minded people. The anger at my God because hes' not ALL LOVE like so many religions want you to embrace nowadays. Law and Gospel....Balance...Sins and Forgiveness for Sins...

I'm no better then he.

My faith is not something to be trifled with, nor is it something I will tolerate being mocked. My faith and hope in God is single handedly the ONLY thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have that hope that hope in a future that promise of heaven....I would be angry too. I've been there with out hope, without faith and it almost destroyed me...

All my life I've seen a world, that hates evil more then it loves good. This is how a heart breaks...turn on the News.

My heart breaks do you think God feels? Sometimes I wonder if he ever regrets promising to not flood the world again and start over. I can tell you this current world is lucky I'm not God....

Me I'm thankful for my rainbows, and even the rain, I'm thankful for sharing his word with children I'm thankful for the rewards in having 4 year old tell me the bible story at the end of the week. I'm thankful for hope...Though I deserve nothing, though I am no better then Chad I am ahead simply because I chose faith. Do not you dare suggest my faith is not tested, or understood because I have searched the other side.. the side without faith and found it black and fathomless....

He has just a little more time to clarify his statement....but God is preparing for me for the fact that he won't   He seriously means that what ISIS is doing right now is okay because it's simply making the "Christian" less dominate in the world. He really is okay with that fact that if we ever got tot he point here in America where Christians could be killed here for their belief in God that I Leah could go up there and die....because as he put it "It's your turn to be on the other end of the Woomping Stick."


and my heart breaks. for a dear friend that has a "Spirit" come to him while meditating years ago...and ask if he could enter him and give him knowledge...for a friend so lost and ensnared in the world of sin and Satan that he is but an empty shell of the friend I have known for over 20 years.  I am sad for the fact that each day that "Spirit" or demon has just a little more of (Chad) that the rest of the world will be missing out on. Yet at the same time it's time, it's time for me to walk away. All I can do is pray....Maybe someday...

This is how a heart breaks.... watching friends walk down roads you can not, dare not go, and you can do absolutely nothing to stop it.



  1. Sorry to hear about your friend. Sometimes we need to distance ourselves for the sake of sanity, and sometimes there are people who can't be helped. I believe that occasionally, public debate with people who can't be helped can lead people who can to the right path, but only to a certain point. Like I said, sometimes you need to develop those boundaries.

    I too wish that the world were a little less "Christian." Not because of the harm Christians have done in the name of our God (though that's true - but every religion has blood on its hands, and so does every non-religious "faith"), but because I often feel that our country's insistence that we live in a "Christian Nation" or a "Judeo-Christian Culture" means that the culture we have is tied to our religion, but it goes both ways. I don't want people to look at our culture or society and think, "This is what being a Christian means." Because we have not got it right.

    I have been more and more disgusted with Christians of late, and it tears me up. I'm not having a crisis of faith in God, but a crisis of faith that I will ever find a church that both preaches true doctrine and also supports its members. I have a crisis of faith that I will ever find a pastor that I will be able to work with (in volunteering at the church or whathaveyou) and also listen to his sermons - the more I get to know a pastor, the less I tend to respect him, and I can't listen to a sermon from someone I can't respect. I'm having a crisis of faith that I'll be able to find fellow Christians whose faith I respect, who think about their faith rather than going through the motions, who are Christians because that is what they choose, rather than how they were raised. And these crises of faith in the "church" feel like they're building to a crisis of actual faith, and that scares me.
    I know that the church on earth is not the same as the church immaterial and invisible, but I've been finding lately that my faith is more injured inside the church than outside it. I don't know how to come to terms with that yet, and I know that private Bible-study isn't sustainable - it would harm my marriage to avoid going to church with my husband, and I will someday have children that I need to raise in the church.
    I'm thinking about leaving the WELS, but I don't really have any faith that anyplace else will be different - or what if it is different, and I find people and faiths I can respect, but they're not Lutheran? That would be a trade off that I'm not sure I could handle - in the end, I'm Lutheran to the core.

    Idk what to do, but I'll figure out something. What I do know is that when something threatens your faith, you have to threaten right back and either find a way to reconcile your cognitive dissonance or cut that piece out of your life. I hope all goes well, and I'm sorry for your loss. I'll pray for you and your friend. Pray for me?

  2. I will continue to pray for you daily.

    Lord help jaz as she struggles with finding faith in flawed world, flawed people, and a sadly flawed religion. Help her hold on to you and your word and remember that where ever two or more come together in the lords name you are there... Give her peace, and the understanding she longs for. Amen