Saturday, February 22, 2014

Freedom and Dreams.

The joy of teaching, the wondering in watching the hardships and trials in life turn into a huge huge blessing. Remembering it's not's YOU.


I remember in college the decision to drop the education track, after spending my entire life wanting to be a teacher it was hard to understand how that desire could just shrivel up and die like it did. I remember the floundering around after to figure out what I should do instead and now almost 8 years later I'm no closer then I was then. I'm not a very driven person, in some ways the lack of a desire to have a career, make a mark on the world, a name for myself, or have a bunch of money is probably a good thing. I'm not lazy either. But a couple years away from 30 shifting through memories and plans and dreams that evaporated, either by choice or by circumstance... it's like an empty journal you always meant to write in and didn't and not from lack of trying but a fear of messing up the page.

You are as free to the same extent you are fearless.

I almost told my boss "no" two years ago...when offered a lead teacher job in a 3 year old room. I almost gave into that fear in the back of my mind of you will fail, you can't do it, don't even try. Almost but I didn't.

Teaching; a dream I thought I had chosen to walk away that I find I enjoy very much. Every time I have designed to go a different direction with my life I've always come back to children.

You are free to the same extent that you are fearless.

I once read that there are years that ask questions and years that answer. I think they left out the years of just waiting which I think equal far more then either of the others. Yet, in all my waiting I seem to dream the most. It's in these times where hope bubbles and swells inside and breeds a certain empty longing. In essence...


In all our planning how often we forget to be content in our current circumstances whether those be waiting, asking, or answering. Dreams I thought gone have re-kindled and presently in life seem far realistic then I ever really wanted them to be.

I've been hunting down and regrouping old photos that are lost on a dead computer and collecting them from various other places. Now and then I run across a photo that I call a pivotal moment. Upon remembering the moment I remember the over- whelming feeling that everything is perfect. Yet knowing that when the next day comes it will never be this way again, You have reached the top and there is not where but down you have no idea how you know it, it's just a feeling in your heart....these people will never all be in one place at the same time again, This place can't stand forever...they.just.wont. Except for in that picture, that moment it's just that, a photo of a perfect moment in time when you wish life could go on forever Safe and familiar.

But that's not freedom, that's not fearless.

I treasure those moments, those feelings, that knowledge that at this moment you are fully enjoying life...if even just for that moment. Though I don't want it to end it's lovely to wonder what what the next one will be.

This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Yet I have hope for a future..and in that hope, I find a joy in waiting for the time. Until then I'll teach and love other's children. God will bless me so that I can bless them and in an off hand way I can make a mark on this world...because the drive to love children is a joy and a blessing.

I am free to the same extent I'm fearless.... I am fearless to the same extent that I love.

I'm instructed to love as God loves....unconditionally...what kind of freedom is that?

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