Thursday, December 31, 2009

The New Year

Ah, for New Years the time where everyone looks to the future by focusing on what they did wrong in the past..I'm not sure how that makes sense but to most it does. Hey look I gained 20 lbs this past year this year I'm ganna lose weight.

New Years resolutions what a joke...I mean if you need to change something why the fuzzy do you have to wait until the new year? When you want to change something you should do it NOW not later. New Years is just another way for lazy Americans to procrastinate. Yeah, I should go back to school, but I'll wait for the new year, yeah I should read my bible everyday maybe I'll start that in the new year. Well yeah thats great but it's only February what are you going to do until then?

I use to summon up my year in my new years eve post...the good the bad the ugly...lets see the Good, graduation, Kev, job....the bad...graduation, job...the ugly...Russ....

Ah, it's amazing how much of my year revolves around men? Even now, at this point in my life, at this walk with God. It's better yes because I found a Christian Man but if I went back to Facebook blogs or myspace or does anyone remember this one Xanga? and pulled up all my new years post you would laugh at me. Because I'm the same as I was then just at a different spot in life. I made a new years resolution once a couple years back to read my bible but you know what I did for a while and I still do way more then I use too...So every time I stop and go back I make the resolution all over again. So this new year as I look at the good, the blessings, the bad and the ugly. I'll thank God that no matter how often I fail at a new years resolution he has accounted for that by his birth, and his death...and guess what yeah life goes on for now..and maybe even for much longer. But what if it don't? What if this new year never happens? Do you know where your going too? Ignorance is bliss......News flash...nothing lasts forever on this earth.

Happy New year and I pray we have many more years so screw up, justify, and grow from. oh yeah and God Bless America.....ha ha ha

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Lake is the Storm...

It's amazing after years of being an off and on runner, how amazing running is. How alive it makes you feel, your breath, your legs, your motions, your feet, your arms, your lungs they all have to work together. The human body is amazing...and the pain the slow burn, the sharp stings, and the wind ripping your breath from your lungs even before it enters your mouth....the wind against my face, the tightening of the abdomen as it is searches for more air......the hurt....the smell I'm human and I'm alive....

The lake tonight made me think of knives....

The lake is the storm and the wind its fuel, The wind summons the runner, and the runner uses the wind to race the storm, and in that instant, at the very edge of the world arms stretched wide..the knives lick at the runners feet, and the storm swirls, white, caps, falls, flows...and as the wind tells the runner..."move" the runner believes if even for a moment that she ran hard enough, swift enough...she could ride the wind home.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Goodtime Cowboy Casanova

So last night I went to another dancing place called Sundance Saloon and it was amazing! I found a home away from home in Chicago lovely dance floor and great atmosphere. As always no matter where I wander in this city I always meet someone or something interesting happens. I'm not sure why but it just does. Last night was no exception. So let me tell you a story about the cowboy from Montana who wanted to find something that reminded him of home, and the cowgirl from Michigan who also wanted a home. Before I go any farther in this story lets make one thing very clear...I love Kevin.

Now this cowboy want me to describe him for you? He looked just exactly like Brad Paisley....Don't know who that is? google him. Now, I wish I had a picture for the proof of that statement; but I don't so take my word for it... just like him a bit younger but yeah. He was a real piece of beautiful man!! He was brooding in the corner when I walked in in a black cowboy hat, belt buckle the works...never said a word walk around watched...every girl in that bar was watching him...I wasn't I was to busy watching all the other girls watch him...and dancing. Anyway, I didn't know then what he looked like he kept to the shadows but I knew that he was watching me more often then not..and apparently so did the other girls. Suddenly, they were all trying to dance beside me and not a one of them knew what they were doing. Sure I helped them out best I could, I also thought it was funny. The night went on much the same whispering girls. and dancing. Now of course I pretended not to notice he is watching me, and I have Jason to thank for his opening statement upon finally approaching me. " You know I've been watching you I'm not ganna lie, you are good, but Ive yet to see you smile. " I think when he spoke ever young girl in that bar froze and GLARED at me! As my brain put in place who the heck he reminded me off I smiled and said, well I haven't talked to anyone yet. Now, what proceeds was one of the greatest nights Ive had in this city so far. Linedancing I found out is not only good for my stress it's good for my ego! Back to my tale

Found out he was just passing through on his way from Georgia to Montana where he has a whole bunch of achers and a ranch all by his lonesome. In a vally in the I know we at least for me. Now I tell you the ranch part so later in the story you know what I passed up!

We talked a bit more chit chat flirt laugh dance oh yeah I flirted and all you thinking "what about Kevin?" I called him after I told him, he was mad until I put it this way "Kev if you were at a bar with out me, and a chick started flirting with you that looked just exactly like Carrie Underwood what would you have done?" He didn't even hesitate...okay yeah I would have flirted. Okay now back to the story. At this point every girl in the bar hates me cause one walked up to me and actually told me "you have to go home with him tonight" I was kinda like what? Wow, whoah hold on no? and she was like then let us have him" I about died laughing right there. Told Cody your a popular man in this bar and he looked around and said "am I?"

We slow danced, we laughed, suddenly the bar was empty except he and I. This cowboy and I and he looks at me after a talk about how much I make and says " You should come to Montana with me, work on my ranch, I'll give you all of that....and more" Now, who knows my dream? A ranch with a cowboy out west.... yeah... It was probably a bit to hard to turn down..but I love Kevin and turn it down I did. As we hung out still longer, one more beer he begs... he asks for a ride to his hotel...and I was already playing with fire no way was I ganna push my luck...He called a cab...I left that cowboy with nothing about this memory of this girl named Leah, at a bar that drove him crazy...and then got away.

I left with the realization thats right ya'll I still got it!! That is the power of being a female...oh are
you ever aware of you life.

..and I realized as I climbed alone into my car, picked up my phone and called Kev...I found a home and I don't dance to breath, I dance to know I'm alive!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Oh I would

So a couple of weeks ago I decided to get out and go to a line dancing bar that I found. It was called Cattle Call no honestly if the name didn't set of warning bells walking in the door should have. I got there early after driving past the place 3 or 4 times looking for it. I climbed up on the bar stool and started talking to the bar tender. George was his name George the Bar-tender he was from Kzoo Michigan. Yeah Chicago is just full to the brim with Michiganers but thats another story. Back to my trip. after I downed a bottle of Miller Lite he looks at me and says "you know this is a gay bar right" now normally just having that thrown at me might have freaked me out a little...but the mood the seclusion of the past 4 days i was kinda like...Okay then sure why not? I looked at him and asked my own question "Is it that obvious I'm straight?" which resulted in a laugh and a yes....makes me wonder straight people call it gay-dar (which is dumb) do they call it stright-dar?

Anyway, what proceeded was probably one of the funnest nights Ive had in Chicago so far. A bit later a few more people had filtered in. A guy named Ed and his "friend" Joe sat next to me. We talked for quite a while then the music started and I went out to dance....the instructor also gay was very nice and very through with the instructions...and the dance was easy I quickly got bored and started watching people. I talked to everyone that night. They all want me to go back and you know what? I think I will because it was nice to go to a bar and have that many people so excited to see you and talk to you...and well not hit on you!!!

I left that night walking through the rain back to my car and I said to myself....I love my life.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Park Today

I picked the bench with the tree today that said seek God...and I sat and wrote a poem that was no good...a man happened by with his dog; black coat, blue leash. He smiled and he spoke, and I replied all the while letting out a sigh, ah I do exist. Then he asked "are you writing a poem" and when I said "yes how did you know" " I guess you look like a poet with a pen" Then he sat and we talked as a lady in a black hat wandered by...and told us the story of the cat that died...and I thought why I didn't want to hear that, I don't like this lady and her black hat. Nor did Mike for that was his name this random guy that chose to pass an hours time with me and a baby, who I clarified was not mine, in a park the tree filtering the disappearing sunlight. "Lets walk" and we did onto the pier where we talked a while still...then the cold came and forced me away but it was nice, to speak to someone today every now and again on my lonely days it's nice to know I haven't faded away that if asked I have something to say.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I was walking in this city of Chicago today, just me and the little one so his parents could get some rest. When I happened upon an old couple walking side by side walker next to walker..all smiles and sunshine. They split for me and the old gentleman held out his hand and said "go right on ahead little miss and pleasant wanderings to you!" Bent over his walking, in his paper boy hat covering white hair....I smiled at his wrinkled face and reminded myself...some times people can really be great and as I watch them walk on away together side by side I asked just how long they had been married and she replied. "80 years sweet, and someday when you are here walk down a street you be sure to give some other young person the hope you just found in us and our labored walk." then sunshine and smiles moved over the cracked sidewalk...and I think now "why not?"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

the writing flows...

I can't sleep tonight, and the people I talk to just make me mad.
I complain to much I know.
I just had a bad day
excuses I know
so I complain to much fine I'll just stop talking not complaining then
I'm so tired my thoughts are discombobulated
My bed is empty
I'm so tired I wish I was sleepy.

Your bed, there is just something about it, on a bad day falling into it fully clothed sunshine bright...and that part of you pent up all day dissolves with the sigh. and the mattress bends to its familer sketch and you curle up longing to cry sometimes for the second or third time that day. And you can't help but wonder as the tenseness seeps away as your body goes numb am I dieing right now like this? And you realize you hate getting out of bed each day and that realization makes you sad no one should have to feel that way. Then you wonder will you ever find the heart to get back up and do it for one more, one more time. Baby I miss you more so tonight.

Monday, September 14, 2009

far away.

hold me harmless tonight
just stay by my side
until the world
don't hurt me so much inside
and when my tears have had there say
take my hand chase them away
promise we'll meet again someday.
hold me love
because come tomorrow
you'll be so far away.

Monday, August 10, 2009

It's funny the paths that thoughts can take
on dark nights with skies threatening rain
when the heart believes before knowing remembers
and longings turn memories to pain....

As the soul reaches for something jaded
and the eyes sparkle
right before hopes faded...
and in that moment
between legacy and shame
it starts to rain...

and I love and I love
I am a mess dear heart
yet you love me just the same..