Saturday, May 20, 2017

But one day...

It's been almost 9 months...I've survived Christmas, my due date, countless pregnancy announcements, births, and mothers day..(barely I thought I hated mother-day before this past year happened) I've cried, I've been angry, I've been on meds for depression and anxiety then off them again (for now)...a lot has gone wrong in the last year and honestly little has gone right. But each day is new and every breath is a miracle.

I still struggle with a unrealistic fear of the dark or more the shadows that shift and sneer at the edge of darkness. As if they followed me home from the dim shadows of a hospital room.  After a night that apparently will never end...no, I no longer have to have some sort of light on at night, but sometimes it takes an awful lot of deep breaths and a lot of praying to keep the panic at bay while laying in bed.  I'm sure the shadows are closing in and I can't watch them all at once...driving at night is almost impossible. I no longer take walks alone at night(those who knew me in college and after know that was a huge coping mechanism for me). I try my hardest to be home before dark unless someone is in the car with me...my heart gets funny.

Its on the rough nights, (like this one) that follow a fantastic day (like I just had)... That I can't help but wonder...

what is wrong with me.

Whats wrong in my brain to make night so hard...and darkness so overwhelmingly dark.

Almost 9 months since I had to un-tell something wonderful.
A full school year.
A classroom full of three and four year old children who hug me and love me and absolutely slay me each and every day.
17 kids who I helped make their Mother's a Mothers Day gift  and watched give said gifts to their mothers...this mothers day that was FINALLY suppose to be different.

My job is so rewarding and so heartbreaking at the same time.

Two people mentioned River to me last weekend and assured me I was a mother even if I didn't get flowers or gifts...and yes they undid all the tears I had swallowed, but their acknowledgment of what never got a chance to be, helps me know I don't remember alone it meant the world to me. I needed them to know that.

9 months and I have absolutely have zero desire to ever be pregnant again. I have friends who say that will pass, but deep down if I was completely honest I very much doubt it. I was a mess pregnant I didn't want to be that way and I often wonder if my emotions had been more stable everything would have been different. I can't help but wonder...I know it changes nothing all this wondering.

 what is wrong with me.

I want to love all the children now...all those who's parents couldn't realize the incredible privilege and blessing their child is...as if my existing ability to love all children has be magnified by the love I have for a child I never held...

I just suck at waiting...
Like really really suck.

waiting on a savings account (or a miracle) to buy a house with...then waiting to find a house and actually closing a deal on it, after that waiting to get through all the paperwork and red tape to become approved for foster care. It all seems so far away and so absolutely impossible.

I just suck at waiting
Like really really suck.
and something is wrong with me

Its the anxiety thing, the "it's been a rough year" thing, it's an inability to believe something could actually work out. Because my hope has been deferred so.many.times.

It's been 9 months, I'm okay really I am...just sometimes, some nights I'm not. It's not a lack of faith. its an inability to remember that my faith is founded on someone who has overcome the things that creep and sneer in the edges of darkness. Peace is easier to hold when the sun is shining and the 2AM  blog entry seems to be silly.

Hi, I'm Leah,

I haven't been here in a while at least not really not fully.
I don't want to make anybody sad.
I don't write for pity, or sympathy

I write so I can hear my thoughts plain, so I can convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I write so I can talk myself out of feeling insane. I'm an insomniac who is scared of the dark. I'm 1 in 8..I'm a mess. I've lost a baby..but thats not it. This is not my defining qualities...It's part of who I am but life is so much more.

Hi, I'm Leah,
I'm a teacher
I'm a wife
I'm a daughter
I'm a sister
I'm an aunt
I'm a friend
I'm a writer
I'm a book worm
I'm a creator of beautiful things
I'm a line dancer

most importantly of all

I'm a Redeemed Child of God

I've come through a dark time and almost gave up on life.

but one day...






So it seems



Thursday, January 26, 2017

Country by definition because I'm so very over political posts.



Something unnecessary because all you read now scares you. 

A non political post.

Inspiration from this obnoxious photo, not unlike most ill thought out/ judgmental posts you come across on social media.


Though I "get" what point is trying to be made here. I think aside from this photo calling names and judging people by what they wear it still fails to hit the true meaning of "Country" a vague elusive term that would be served better broken down into multiple subsets including but not limited to; Redneck, Farmer, white trash, hick, hillbilly, hunters, gun nuts,  (I'll let you decide which categories the subjects in the above pictures fall into)

Websters has a list of definitions for the term "Country" for my intents and purposes I am going to focus on the ones I've posted here.



"Country"
nounplural countries

5.
rural districts, including farmland, parkland, and other sparsely populated areas, as opposed to cities or towns:
Many city dwellers like to spend their vacations in the country.

adjective
12.
of, relating to, or associated with country music :
That Nashville station plays country records all day long.
13.
rude; unpolished; rustic:
country manners.

13. Made me laugh, not sure if anyone wants to be defined as "country" after reading that definition. I my as well end my blog here because it may define every person in the above photo perfectly.

So lets redefine the title "Country" the heart and soul and simplicity of country life. Before this mantra of "Don't tread on me"

lets go back to the roots because no one is entitled to anything we are just taking care of what God has given us...not a political post moving on...

I don't belong to any of those pictures...maybe I've never been country...because country is "cool" and I've never been cool...


I've picked out my own photos of what it means to be country.  

some of the people in this pictures grew up in big cities or other countries...

To me, to be country means to know what it is to work hard, sacrifice family vacations for fair and cows, loving others, giving when you have very little yourself and lastly to raise something that benefits others (crops, cows, pigs, fruit...etc...)  okay maybe I've confused "farmer" with "country." 

Regardless

It's more than rebel flags, strong opinions, big belt buckles, camo, short shorts, fancy boots, beer, (I love my boots and I love my beer) guns, toys, mud, trucks,...(and because I grew up on a dairy farm and I have to...horses ;)  ) Country is not about being better than anyone else.... Country is about loving and respecting someone regardless of where they are from and what they are. It's also being able to sustain yourself..something I wish I could get back to.

Lastly, you don't even have to to be raised in a rural area to be this kind of country if that's even the term I'm defining anymore. 

In fact forget it, I'm not "country" define me as a Christ follower (you all know how I feel about the term "Christian") call me a farmer, teacher, wife, friend...but please don't call me "country."

My  husband was born and raised in Phoenix AZ, and while hes far from the "country boy" I thought I would marry... he is good, kind, honest, and hard working man after God's own heart....and by this definition hes way better than country!