Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Overwhelmed by God

This post has taken many forms since I first started trying to write it over 6 weeks ago...

It's long, there is no way around it but it's real...I think.

You identify yourself as something,  you surround yourself with people like you, a network... this is who you are, you strive to make peace with your circumstances...and even reach out to help others in their struggle...

 the process of being okay with "infertile" I never think is quit over.

Until suddenly you're not that anymore.

In one crazy, overwhelming day, you are something else...

but what.

now what.

because you know, what it was like on the other side, watching "it" happen for others when all you had was hope...if that and who am I to have my prayer answered while others go through so much more to have a child than I did...

and you want to celebrate (unless your hormones tell you to cry like mine did) and you want to encourage all those you left behind to not give up hope..because look if it can happen to us it can happen to them..because God is just...hes just incredible. I want tell them how I did it..God, yoga, water...

but then I would be one of "those people". Those people that tell you their miracle baby story, or the "we adopted and than it happened" or to "relax", "put your feet up after sex"...blah blah blah the mean well but  are not actually helpful people..

So to those who are still in the struggle...I know, I'm sorry, It's okay to cry....but never ever lose hope.

Last time I wrote I spoke of hope... When I wrote that "it" had already happened...

God is just wow...

So here I am blessed beyond words, overwhelmed by God's power, encouraged in my faith...and pregnant.

but getting here has been humbling...

For a long time I didn't want to tell anyone... its actually uncomfortable and awkward specially when you know it's a big deal...and you know people have prayed for this for you. Undeserving humbled you.

If I'm going to be honest though I was embarrassed...Embarrassed because the first 2-3 weeks after taking a positive test I did nothing but cry or want to cry...and had 4 panic attacks. What person who spent 6 years praying for this very thing would cry and go into depression when it actually happened?

I've never liked surprises...

 Something had to be seriously wrong with me. So I told a couple people... they didn't get it. I felt like my world was ending when I should have felt like it was beginning. It was chalked up to hormones, or I was told that I should be happy and asked "didn't you want this?" and I just felt worse because no one ever said it was "okay" to not feel pure joy. I'm still not sure. I honestly didn't even feel a spark of joy until after my first doctor appointment at 8 week and even then it was fleeting..

Embarrassed because here I was having my prayers answered and


in fact...I was in shock and terrified I'm still honestly terrified.

and I felt as if I (who once identified with the infertile) had absolutely zero right to be anything but grateful, joyful.....

Oh, the guilt...

deep breath.

Here I am...this is probably the only public Facebook announcement there will be so if you are one of the very few to read my blog that I haven't told already...thanks.

Those that know already... your responses have been humbling and I know beyond my womb I am blessed with so many loving, people that prayed for me/with me...let me cry, supported, encouraged me, and love me...

I have an overwhelming amount of people that care and are so genuinely happy... over the moon even for helped me find joy... with each person that celebrated when I could all slowly feed this fire inside my soul...and I am crying now thinking about all of you...who gave your light to me and didn't even know it.  Thank you is not enough!

I can't finish this blog with out mentioning my husband... who was able to feel joy and at the same time watch his wife never judged, you never complained... you are a rock and a blessing from God. A man after God's own heart...I love you.

Just enough light for the step I was on... God works through the people in your life as much as though his word.

8 weeks ago this happened  (the cross line is faded since I took this test but it's there it was very very there that day) and I panicked..

A week ago this happened (the joy that flooded me with this on a computer screen in a doctors office is indescribable other than from God) and I smiled

and I'm still finding myself.


  1. Yay!! congratulations!!!!!!

  2. I'm so very happy for the answered prayer! Your feelings are all real and understandable to me! I am praying for God hand to be on you through this whole pregnancy and I'm so so over joyed for you

  3. I'm so happy for you!

    Never feel guilty for your emotions. They are what they are. You can't feel guilt for emotions, only for actions.
    Like you said, you don't like surprises - and no one ever said that having a child was a small, easy life change! But you and your hubs will be great parents and God will watch over your family. Sending love from across the water <3