I made it through the holiday season with no children, with out throwing computers, ripping out my eyes, or even cutting myself off from the world. I even managed to hide how much my heart truly hurt (though my pillow knows)...
I even spent Christmas day in a house with children not my relatives, and managed to have a very good time.
But did I really make it through? Did holding it in help or hinder.
How do you heal a wound that gets torn open every time you see a child (I'm a preschool teacher wouldn't change it for the world but some days it amazes me no one can see the blood), open a computer, talk to a friend, watch T.V. How do you heal a wound that has no source.
How do you go from okay almost acceptance and peace to I would kill for that?
How do you define an existence where it's easier to be friends with single people but they don't talk to you about their problems..because you can't relate to them and they know it? Yet your married friends that live somewhat close to you have kids and can't relate to you and you know it..
I define it every day
Even when I'm holding on to hope and a promise of the future regardless of having children or not,
Even when I know with every breath God's got it
Even when I know I'm not alone.
Sometimes it just hurts. Honest.