Monday, December 1, 2014

I don't want your pity.

Proverbs 30:15-16
“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

Never satisfied... The barren womb.

In other words it's okay that I still deal with complete and utter heartache.  It's a natural desire. My.heart.hurts.

I won't apologize for writing about it yet again...
Sometimes I need to know it's okay to not be so strong, because the days when I'm not I'm really really not.

Recently my cousin and dear friend gave birth to her third child a beautiful baby boy who feels my heart with longing and joy and eyes with tears. I just don't understand how I can one day be like "I'm okay with out kids...and the next day barely able to get out of bed because without children my life and goals are basically over..."

I know there are others out there either through miscarriage, health, medical, emotional or any other reason who have found yourself and the point of life where children are normal even expected. Where you feel the world pointing at you (all married and almost 30 or older)...yelling "WHAT YOU DONT HAVE CHILDREN"... and you need to know its okay the world doesn't know your circumstance...It's normal, never knowing one moment to the next just where you stand with your cross you have been chosen to carry.

Normal a very important word for me right now when my life feels anything but someone who has never considered normal a thing..suddenly being normal is so important it takes my breath alarmingly Unreachable...

Sometimes I don't know who this blog helps or reaches, I have such long stretches without words, or with to much hurt...sometimes it's all just to much. Sometimes I'm busy trying to appear normal.

I found a blog today called "childless not by choice" a day where I really Really needed some encouragement just needed to know I'm not alone in this struggle..and I felt like I was just a kill joy for my friends...a broken record...or worse someone to pity. I don't want anyone's pity not ever...prayer, silent encouragement sure. I'm over statements like you will have a baby someday, or in Gods time, or even the I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just need a friend, sometimes I just need a hug, sometimes I need a friend to sit down watch a Jane Austen movie and eat cookie dough with me...(it's been a terrible long time since I've done that). More often then not I just need some time with God.

I'm so thankful for my job, they might not be my biological children, but I tell you I love them with the fierce protectiveness of a momma bear.  Their hugs sometimes are the only things that get me out of bed.  My womb might never know the miracle of carrying a baby but my heart has been touched by hundreds of children. That is a blessing some in my same struggle might not have. I encourage you to find away. Albeit It adds to the hurt sometimes......the good sure outweighs the bad.

Sometimes in life you have to take the good and the bad, the joy and the pain, the saint and the sinner add them together, divide them by 2 and live well.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

And I'm not a feminist....praying for my church.

     Writing this blog is going to be about as much fun as having teeth pulled....and its going to sound as cohesive as a person talking with a numb mouth. I'm sorry.

    Two problems

1. The WELS take on woman and our roles in the church.

My problem...Woman have the passion and the heart yet can't help the church in any way above cleaning, alter, and organizing pot lucks or what not....and if you have a man with a strong enough backbone MAYBE you can influence his vote by voicing your opinion at a voters meeting.

My whole life I have heard woman complain about our roles in the church and honestly it's never really bothered me that much. I grew up in a house with a mom and a dad who listened to each other and a dad who was not scared to follow through. I understand the idea outlined in the bible. Here's an article from the WELS website because I think they can do a better job then I explaining it.

However, Scripture is also clear that while we are equal in status and importance before him, God has not made us duplicates or clones of each other in how we carry out our various God-given callings. Already in the perfection of the Garden of Eden he assigned unique callings or roles to the man and the woman when God made her to be helper suitable for the man and created her right from the man (Genesis 2:18ff). God gave to the man the unique calling of being a loving head and to his wife the unique calling of being a loving helper to him. In the New Testament, the inspired Apostle Paul assures us that these unique callings were indeed found already in the perfection of Eden when he writes, "Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3). Later Paul reminds us that what we read in Genesis 2 is indeed where this was established when he says, "For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman but woman for man" (1 Corinthians 11:8-9).....

Of course, wise heads know that God has given them helpers for a reason. The wisdom and insights, the questions and concerns of everyone in the congregation, men and women, are important. Especially when a woman may have no husband in her home, it is very important that the congregation look for ways to gain her input.
(copy and paste into your browser if you want to see the whole shot article)

I would like to draw your attention to the line "When a woman may have no husband in her home, it is very important that the congregation look for ways to gain her input."

I like that ... IF a church does...but it still doesn't solve the problem some churches have...

Where the men, married or not seem to have hit auto pilot and the few that would fight for the life of a church are so frustrated with the men on auto pilot that they have all but given up. Now either the wives at home are not voicing their opinions loudly enough or the men are not listening. Maybe the men simply have no idea what to do to fix the problem so they do nothing...not even ask the woman for help....Whatever the problem the woman have a lot of strong feelings about the ways of the mission and my voice, and the others I have spoken too are NOT being heard.

So this is where church becomes luke warm...neither dead nor alive...and at this rate my church WILL close.

So I don't disagree with the doctrine as strongly as some woman I disagree with the application. I'm frustrated because I feel my opinion my worries are being ignored because I am a woman and can do nothing besides talk and pray...and watch a strangling church suffocate...

I know also it's not only the elders and the voting members of the church fault...there is a lot to be said of a pastor who is aware of the situation and willing to put forth the effort to change it even if that effort s simply handing out tasks to the church members to help with it. One carefully worded statement from a pastor can sway a mans vote I think more then a thousand words from a wife at least at my church. Which brings me to the call system...

2. and the WELS much beloved and system.

here is a long article on how it's suppose to work and why.....I guess.
(copy and past into your browser if you want to see the whole LONG article)

My problem...The whole system.

I will defend much of my WELS faith I have done much searching and learning I have left and come back.   ...but since I was old enough to understand I've seen nothing but problems develop with this "divine system"

I've watched it chew up and spit out MANY  potential teachers because someone deemed "them unfit for the calling"  My brother and his wife as two of the many....I've never understood that because in the truest form a call is something given by God. If someone has prayed and been lead by God to be a teacher NO ONE other then GOD has the right to tell them they are wrong. Maybe they would have gotten in and found they did not like it after all but at least they had a chance.

I'm sorry I have a hard time believing in the divinity of the call system that is ran by mankind that is set up by men, and men who sit at a table and discuss who should get what call. Men who send out the official call document.... Again I get the idea somewhat..but there are no biblical examples of a church ran this way and to many chances for mans free will. and brokenness to screw it up.

Another thing I have watched the call system do is take away a call from a Woman if she is engaged or married to a man who didn't "fit the mold" (my brother and sister-in-law again) and was there for not issued a call. Because someone decided the that this was not a mans calling after all. The woman then is not issued a call because they can't give a call to a woman and not the MAN who is the head of the house. Seriously? What's up with that? How is that OKAY at all EVER. I don't even consider myself a feminist...

and right now my biggest issue with the call system. The main thing hurting my church is when a Pastor is stuck in a church who has not had a call in YEARS. You can hide behind the whole God just hasn't moved him yet all you want. But when  a Pastor is stagnate..when he is so defeated with a closed school a declining church attendance that the passion is sucked out of him...The call system is a problem.

I know it's not just my church but it's as if a pastor reaches a certain age, has been collecting raises every year regardless if the church is shrinking or not. He simply does not get a call because he is too expensive. To expensive for another church and to expensive for his current church. Not old enough to retire...can't quit because they he has to be completely done with the ministry....I would find it hard to joyfully service in these circumstances myself. I pray for my pastor daily....for he really is a great man.

I've been asking for prayers for my church, for my pastor...for God's mission. This is the tip of the iceberg. that will sink this ship...and that is how a heart breaks...

It breaks  for a wonderful man with many talents who is stuck. It breaks for a church and school that is but a shadow of it's past. For a bunch of men who don't seem to care that any of this is happening. That breaks for a group of woman who can only speak...It breaks for my church where I was baptized married..where I would not mind having my children baptized and married. Where my mom was baptized and grew up and her mom before her. It breaks for system ran by human kind. My heart breaks for a great opportunity through  thriving childcare to reach MANY children and families with Gods word...that simply will not be used in such a way....

I am reminded that this is NOT my home.
Heaven is my home.

Build your kingdom here...restore your church... open the eyes of my congregation and strengthen my pastor and church leaders for the choices they may have to make.


Sunday, October 26, 2014


Going through another time where I have too much I want to say, so I don't say anything at all.

I'm learning my limits as a good friend put it. To what I think I can and can't take with this no baby yet issue. Still I struggle with feeling like a bad person for not going to something simply because it's hard.

I remember back at the start...when my friends were having their first baby...and I was like that's okay, my kids can be friends with their next child...Watching the girls I grew up with that I had such a great childhood with talk about how their kids are going to grow up to be bests friends and marry each other and just sitting there smiling.. while they arrange play dates and times to hang out doing all the normal and expected things to do that come with parenthood....telling myself it's okay I don't want kids anyway.

How did Sarah and Abraham do it??

I have grown to hate baby showers....and again I feel like a terrible person. I don't hate the person for having a baby, I don't hate the person for celebrating that gift...I hate the empty ache inside my heart and womb.. (I'm crying as I write this) the lonely estranged feeling I get from my best friends because they are at a different part of life from me.

Its simple things sometimes like watching pure joy on a three year olds face when mom comes to pick them up from school...

holding a baby

typing a blog.

I know I'm keep coming back to this...I'm sure this wont be the last time I write about it.

It's a struggle and a loss, a loss of a dream it is a lose of an assumed future and, like ever loss, it will be grieved. ~Fill There Arms~

Someone told me the other day it's okay to grieve and cry about this sometimes...and I really needed to hear that.

God is good.
Romans 8.


Friday, September 12, 2014

This is how a heart breaks.

I can't sleep,

for once I know why,

       A lot of you know that some of my inspiration for my blogs come from a certain friend I have on face book with some very very extreme and different beliefs then mine. (This is putting it nicely) Even when we have made each other mad, or have completely and utterly ignored or disagreed with the other we have maintained a certain degree of respect if for nothing more then the debate and the fact that we have known each other since 1st grade. For me the chance to defend my faith and opinions and in so doing learn just a little more about my apologetic abilities. It's also kept me aware of the arguments against "Christianity" that are out there because it never hurts to know the criticism of your faith. These reasons often out weighed the sometimes absurd and insensitive things he could come up with. Or the rather hateful things he would say toward "Christians"

    I say that to say this

         This will more then likely be my last blog inspired by (lets just call him Chad). I always thought it would be out of anger that I would delete him as a friend. That one of these days I would just read one of his intolerant and ill thought out status or comment on my status and delete him. I always thought about it and decided I didn't want to be one of those "Christians" that hes already said have done that to him because they didn't like what he had to say.Because their Holier then thouness kept them from seeing the truth about their faith.

Holier-than-thou   a label I DO NOT want to have...or bible thumping...The idea is pure but the methods are lacking... both those  titles require judging and hell fire and a I'm better then you attitude...that's not exactly what God had in mind when he said to go and make disciples....

       However, the reason for walking away from this friendship (if you can call it that) is to me 100 times sadder then anger at a stupid status. It's the blackness of a heart. A heart that is so full of righteous hate it can't find sympathy for the hurting at least not.if the hurting is "Christian." A person that honestly believes that Christians deserve to be persecuted because of the deeds done by sinful people in the name of God in the past I really don't need in my life.

       I know I'm a very calm, and loving person who sometimes sees the brokenness of the world and cry's real big tears...I mean I can't hardly watch violent TV shows and movies...Actually I really can't at all. They make my stomach upset and my head hurt.  So for me it's really really REALLY hard to even wrap my mind around anyone even thinking that persecuting (I'm talking all kinds, extreme and not extreme Violent and nonviolent) is in some way justified or deserved or okay...EVER.

   Today and really gradually lately conversations with (Chad) have left me feeling sad, they make my heart hurt. I mean how can anyone stand up to such blind and certain hatred? Our discussions have escalated quicker and quicker and the people he has in his court seem to be getting more and more extreme as well,  So.much.anger.

The fun of the debate is no longer outweighing the negativity....and I don't need it in my life. Like my Pastor in Milwaukee said be careful that your faith is not hurt.

   So. Much. Anger.....Anger at "Christians" because they make mistakes because some people that call themselves Christian are not in fact Christian at all. That we are all lumped together as pushy judgmental, gay hating, close minded people. The anger at my God because hes' not ALL LOVE like so many religions want you to embrace nowadays. Law and Gospel....Balance...Sins and Forgiveness for Sins...

I'm no better then he.

My faith is not something to be trifled with, nor is it something I will tolerate being mocked. My faith and hope in God is single handedly the ONLY thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have that hope that hope in a future that promise of heaven....I would be angry too. I've been there with out hope, without faith and it almost destroyed me...

All my life I've seen a world, that hates evil more then it loves good. This is how a heart breaks...turn on the News.

My heart breaks do you think God feels? Sometimes I wonder if he ever regrets promising to not flood the world again and start over. I can tell you this current world is lucky I'm not God....

Me I'm thankful for my rainbows, and even the rain, I'm thankful for sharing his word with children I'm thankful for the rewards in having 4 year old tell me the bible story at the end of the week. I'm thankful for hope...Though I deserve nothing, though I am no better then Chad I am ahead simply because I chose faith. Do not you dare suggest my faith is not tested, or understood because I have searched the other side.. the side without faith and found it black and fathomless....

He has just a little more time to clarify his statement....but God is preparing for me for the fact that he won't   He seriously means that what ISIS is doing right now is okay because it's simply making the "Christian" less dominate in the world. He really is okay with that fact that if we ever got tot he point here in America where Christians could be killed here for their belief in God that I Leah could go up there and die....because as he put it "It's your turn to be on the other end of the Woomping Stick."


and my heart breaks. for a dear friend that has a "Spirit" come to him while meditating years ago...and ask if he could enter him and give him knowledge...for a friend so lost and ensnared in the world of sin and Satan that he is but an empty shell of the friend I have known for over 20 years.  I am sad for the fact that each day that "Spirit" or demon has just a little more of (Chad) that the rest of the world will be missing out on. Yet at the same time it's time, it's time for me to walk away. All I can do is pray....Maybe someday...

This is how a heart breaks.... watching friends walk down roads you can not, dare not go, and you can do absolutely nothing to stop it.


Monday, August 11, 2014

The Easy Way/ Rage and War

This past spring I ran into a family that did not much care for my teaching, abilities, methods, or for me in general. It's been a struggle ever since inside myself, to forgive the nasty letter, the lack of communication and the basically not fair opinions they still harbor toward me. It's been a struggle and honestly I did not ever actually DEAL with these issues. The anger, the hurt, and the general dislike for said family. I just told myself (a few more weeks and it will be over) they even flat out said If I don't go they will go. Well I didn't go..
Summer started I was blessed to work with the school age children and that included their other child. So I dealt with the rudeness and unfriendliness near everyday.  But that's okay it's just for summer it's not the same as school...the anger, the hurt, the general dislike for fellow man lingered.

Now summer is passing and with no other options my class turned out to be the lesser of evils...

I cried, I cried from frustration and not understanding just what I did to make this family dislike me so much, I cried for the fact that they don't like me and that bothers me, because God forbid someone not like me. I cried and all the joy and excitement of starting out this new year was gone in the simple words "they enrolled"

Yet that voice in my heart behind my eyes whispers "This is the day the Lord has made"

I was so counting on just letting it be, just trying to move on and do my job as best I can. So counting on the problem just going away. But that's rarely how life works, and certainly God isn't going to let bitterness dwell in my heart chocking out his word.


Somewhere in the midst of my tantrum today over the whole unfairness of it all, it dawned on me, God didn't let them find a better option, God didn't remove them from my life. That maybe their is a reason for this. For me and for them. They had to swallow a lot of pride, and a lot of very unfeeling and hurtful words to come back. We all lose...yet I fear they feel I have won.

Maybe the problem all along is that I have done nothing NOTHING but regard this family as simply a "problem" and not individuals, hurting, lost, in need of God's word and doing the best they can for their children. Does this realization make this situation any less awkward no. But maybe just maybe it can make it less upsetting. Does this realization make me want to forgive them and oh my...LOVE THEM as God demands? No. But I bet it will help me get their a whole lot faster.

So forgive me for my melt-down, for my lack of faith that God's got this,that hes up to something bigger then me, them, and this. I wanted to quit and probably if I could find another job I might have but that solves nothing. I'm scared yes, could they make my job a lot harder, yes...but that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. I always do this, get upset but in the end, through all the stuff I have gone through in my profession the past 9 years. Despite my gripping and complaining and belly aching...I've ALWAYS done my job to the GLORY of God and to the best of my ability. Every situation that has felt like the end of the world has worked out just fine in the end...I'm glad to have that knowledge to cling to now... No matter how unfair whatever it is I'm dealing with is(or seems to be).  I'

"Whatever you do, do for the Glory of God"

In all things God works for the glory of those who love them ~Romans 8~

I could pray that God takes this cup from me, that they move to something else,  and I'll most likely get a solid no. Or I could pray as I ask you to pray, that God can use all of this to his glory, that I can do what I"m on earth to do. I'm upset don't get me wrong still very upset...this won't be easy and I'm human I'll go down kicking and screaming...and God will still do as he will. Abba Father...

I go months with out writing and now I've so much I want to write about. Feast of famine I suppose.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


I almost wrote a blog, a blog full of judgmental, opinionated, feelings. This is a blog written with a specific family in mind, a personal struggle that has been ongoing in my life for almost half a year now....

I almost wrote it justifying it as truth, with out one though of the unforgivness in me, the selfishness in me to hold a families wealth against them, simply because I don't know what it's like. I mean come on I know this family, they don't like me, they never gave me a chance they didn't need too... and they obviously have money plenty of it, and they like that fact.

Some people you meet can have all the money they need and then some and be kind, giving, and respectful but more often then not when the average individual looks at the rich (define rich anyway you want it's not hard to be richer then me) they think

Wealthy = Greed

When the wealthy (wealthy for Dowagiac Area) look at the average individual they think

Poor = Scorn

Ah, stereotypes such an easy way for sin to slip in and say, ah, it's the truth everyone says it.

I struggle with equating rich people with meanness, rudeness, and obnoxiousness. Even though I have encountered many many well off people that were just the opposite. To often in this world the negative overshadows the good. Even in your life experiences. I've had many negative experience with people that have more money then me and think because they have that money they are entitled (there's that word again) to treat me like crap or really ANYONE they meet because they have the money to do it. If they don't like something they can afford to go somewhere else no skin of their back, they can step on scoff at and bad talk anyone because they have the money and lets get real here in this world "Money talks"

Sure dirt poor people can be just as mean and ornery but they can't do much about it, they cant just buy something new because they don't like what they have, they can't just find a new place to send their children because they don't like a change at the current daycare. Poor people just don't have so many options and therefor thier mean is often different then someone who can afford to be mean.

So lets break this down, I'm kind of all scrambled here because I'm dealing with my own anger toward a family that just happens to have the money to be mean.

Wealth doesn't necessarily equal mean. Just as being poor doesn't necessarily mean being nice. Nor does being  Christian mean you will be a super amazing person anymore then not being a "Christian" mean being a terrible example of a human being.

However I think that meanness isn't made by wealth, wealth just magnifies a persons soul good or bad. Often in this world since it takes being thick skinned to progress up the money chain more mean spirited people tend to get there then the kind hearted. Because that's what the American Dream is now, something only for someone willing to step on everyone else to get it.

 It's not a far stretch from being spoiled and being rich.  Their is also a difference between being born into a wealthy family and making a wealthy family. A different sort of entitlement goes with each scenario, and since I am neither I'll leave it alone my struggles currently are with the born wealthy. The I don't have to work if I don't want to ever and I can spend all that I want to and still be living well. The obnoxious in your face look at my vanity plate on my over sized vehicles that roar when you drive them loud enough to make that person i the mini-van jump when they pass them on the road.

  As I started to write a blog titled "what's that like" I realized that it's got nothing to do with money. It's got everything to do with where you are at with God. It's got everything to do with my own personal opinion on people blessed with money by God. In that breath of look how much better I am, I'm poor and I don't treat others like crap... that I realized right then I was. I was being just as judgmental as they are. Maybe more so because I can't afford it.

  It's always going to be a struggle to show Jesus when I'm being looked down on because of my economic standing in this world. Because I'm not so consumed with the need for money and stuff that i can't focus on anything else. Ah, but Jesus loves the spoiled rich kid in class just as much as he loves the average nice kid in class.

 "He did not come for the saints but the sinners."

I've no right to hold against anyone their treatment of me that I judge to be wrong, when really they were raised in such a way that they don't know any better. They.need.Jesus.

  It's not a novel idea the whole realization that the rich need Jesus too, it's hard when you live pay check to pay check to think of the rich needing anything ever. But really more then the nice house, the vanity plate, the extended vacation, and the flashy expensive clothes. Some lack the most important thing in the universe. Father Son and Holy Spirit.

Hope in a heaven.

They lack the skills to treat others with love. (I'm talking the superficial rich) I'll say it again I know many wealthy wealthy people that are the best examples of Jesus ever and I'm sure there are even some wealthy that don't have God that are amazing (I have never personally met them)

There is something to be said for the person who went without at some point in their life...a different understanding, an ability to relate to someone else without. When you don't experience that as a child or adult how are you expected to understand or know. Who am I to hold a lack of knowledge either because they never had to learn, or can't afford to better themselves against anyone? In my anger where is my Christian love.

Yes, they have more money, yes, they flaunt their money.

What's it matter?

My treasure is in heaven.

without love I go nowhere.

Saturday, June 21, 2014




  [en-tahy-tl-muhnt]  Show IPA
the act of entitling.
the state of being entitled.
the right to guaranteed benefits under a government program, as Social Security or unemploymentcompensation.

Main Entry:   Entitlement Generation
Part of Speech:   n
Definition:   the group born between 1979 and 1994 who believe they are owed certain rights andbenefits without further justification
Example:   The entitlement generation expects higher salaries, flexible work hours, and ample timeoff.
Usage:   slang

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.” 
― Criss JamiDiotima, Battery, Electric Personality

“Beware: It is a quick transition from a nourishing sense of gratitude to a poisonous sense of entitlement.” 
― Steve MaraboliUnapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

God's grace is the undoing of entitlement. Really we all have sinned and we all are saved and no one deserves anything good but for the Grace of God.

  Working with children, it never stops amazing me how a child can demand something NOW and if they don't get how they can just shut down. They don't care if they don't participate their minds can not move beyond the fact that they didn't get what they want the way they want it. Most when allowed to sulk for a bit give in and join but more and more now I have kids that are just done for the rest of the day. THAT is a normal child development thing.

   If a child never learns to deal with the fact that it's not going to always be their way they will be less apt to deal with life in general. When we are old and need taking care of ourselves the younger generation will be so involved with entitling themselves to be happy and feel good they won't care. If they don't sacrifice some happiness as children they will not sacrifice it for others later on. We will see a world so entitled that the greater good and even the common good will be the individual good, that caring for others will be the stupidest most inconvenient thing ever thought off.

  As a child in my class sits under the table and sulks or sits on bench and screams I can't stop from thinking that this is a learned and more often then not groomed behavior by well meaning and loving parents who honestly don't know or realize what they are doing to their child. If you raise your child as the center of your world they are going to expect you to entertain them every second. They are going to expect you to drop EVERYTHING and pay attention to THEM. They are going to be little kids who through tantrums beyond the normal, they are going to be little kids who can't self entertain, problem solve, or self sooth. They are going to be teenagers that insult someone who doesn't get something fast (Iv'e seen it even in my 4 year olds) You are going to have teens, who break a rule and expect you to make it all better. You are going to have a young adult who has never experienced a let down, a failure (some of my let downs and failures were the greatest turning points in my life). You are going to have an adult who thinks they are entitle to have opinions and voice them regardless of how crass or rude or hurtful they are. Who think they are atomatically deserving of the highest pay and the best hours their first day... and you dear parent.... You are going to be a parent who complains, is always tired, and can't seem to get anything done EVER.

  I'm in the lump of  the entitlement generation 1986...I'm at the begging but I can look back and think where I have had thoughts reflecting entitlement. Starting out at a new job and having to work at year before any time off how outrageous that was to me.  How upset I can get when I lock my keys in a car and get mad because all my carefully laid plans are ruined and it's not fair but never then was it my fault.

 My husband and I waited for marriage and are there for entitled to a baby... it's not fair, but's life and I thank God I grew up dealing with life. My parents couldn't hand me everything I wanted, my parents could not focus all their attention on me. This does not mean they didn't love me and want the best for me..never once have i doubted the love of my family and I don't need "things" to know it.  My dad had a farm to run my mom and the neighbor hood to watch and a job. I know the world was different and it was safer for a child to play out of their parents sight.  The fact is that I could self-entertain with out internet, T.V.  or even friends close by. Sometimes I look at myself now, always on line or playing a game on my ipad, with the T.V. on and I think...there is no way I could do it anymore and sometimes I hate myself for that fact. No way I could be a teenager again with dial up internet...on a farm...without a car. I'm entitled to be entertained every moment of everyday.

I am so thankful for my parents and my childhood as hard as it sometimes was.

  My heart is sad. Sad for kids who will never experience such bitter disappointment that they get so angry they work harder before they give up. My heart is sad for me, my friends, and the people younger then me who will not be able to let their kids run all over the woods, and fields and neighbor hoods for hours. Because of a fear of someone who feels entitled to the right to be happy and take them or hurt them or even report you as being a neglectful parent. My heart is sad when I announce we are going outside and a 6 year old girl asks if she can bring her tablet outside and play with it. Sad for kids who won't ever go a day with out touching an electronic or watching less then 30 minutes of T.V. . For the kids and even some adults who think food comes from the store. Who doesn't know that carrots, and potatoes were covered with dirt.

  My heart breaks when a kid misses out on a great teaching moment because a parent can't bare to see them cry. My heart breaks for kids going to school at barely 3 years old and will be in school for the next 16 years not counting college. When parents can't see the need for a child to play ALL DAY if they want and learn the whole time, through trail and error, observation, and exploration. In a classroom setting.

“Instead of communicating "I love you, so let me make life easy for you," I decided that my message needed to be something more along these lines: "I love you. I believe in you. I know what you're capable of. So I'm going to make you work.” 
― Kay Wills WymaCleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement

  No one is entitled to anything, especially if you hurt others to get it, or hurt others by saying it. We are blessed to have what we have,  and to be able to do what we can do. Never do you feel better then after working so hard, pouring your heart and soul into a project or activity and coming to the end of it successful. When you rob your child, or teen of that experience by giving everyone a ribbon or a spot on a team...or not letting them try something because you don't want to see them hurt. They will never know what working for something feels like. They will think they are entitled to it without blood sweat or tears.

  Entitlement like Tolerance is a learned behavior. Yes early childhood teachers are part of training a child in the way he should go. But if it's not reinforced at home, our work does little but teach a child the way we act in the classroom is not required for the rest of the world.

  There are so many things entitlement touches that I would love to get into. I know I pick on parents a lot, I know I don't have kids, I think as a parent I would struggle with watching my child experience a let down, a heart ache. I imagen parenting to be one of the hardest things to do these days. So many people are such amazing parents and if God ever blesses me with a child I hope to be half the parent they are... This has been a very heavy pregnant belly, birth announcement, face book month...and honestly it's been rough. Because of the entitlement in me it's not always easy to be happy for my friends. Yet its not about me..I might not be a parent but I work with your kids...and my heart breaks.

   Life isn't all love and sunshine, it's full of sinners, and storms. Don't lie to your them learn the skills to cope, give them the tools to deal, and show compassion. Give them a faith to praise God in the valleys as well as the on the mountains. Because if we can teach our children compassion and humility...we could change the world.

But for the Grace of God.

“When we replace a sense of service and gratitude with a sense of entitlement and expectation, we quickly see the demise of our relationships, society, and economy.” 
― Steve MaraboliUnapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. ~Philippians 2-4~

an read on the entitlement generation.

Friday, June 13, 2014

To the 20 somethings almost or just barely 30 somethings...

To the 20 somethings, almost to be 30 something's or even you almost 40 something' know who you are...

We are the group of people that should be well on their way down a career path or at least have an idea of a career path, home owners, family growing, life somewhat figured out people. No longer fresh out of college world at your feet pie in the sky kids. To what appears to be the majority of my friends... I'm so very happy for you, truly I am.

 To the people who look at a 27 almost 28 year old person or couple that isn't at that point yet, and asks the seemingly innocent questions: so when are you going to have kids?, the biological clock is ticking, think you are going to ever buy a house? when are you going to pick a career? To those people who look at all my friends and think, they obviously are doing what they should be doing what is socially considered normal at such an age... why aren't you.

I know you might just want to make conversation, I know you might generally be concerned and care. But please stop.

  I'm 27 years old, still working in the childcare setting as I have for the past decade, living with my husband in my parents basement. I have NO clue what I want to do with my life, I just know it's not what I'm doing currently. I have college debt, and credit card debt from said college life, car loan, and my husband is paying over 1000 dollars a class for a masters degree with more loans. All this on my daycare ran, private school, zero benefits teachers salary. I'm not complaining, we always have what we need when we need it. My husband is doing a great job and the fact that we can stay with my parents is a HUGE blessing.

I am well aware that I'm' the minority when it comes to children, and dogs, and fenced in yards you really don't have to remind me that a big scary clock is ticking I battle that old friend called envy and worry daily.

The thought of having the money to make a house payment or a down payment on a house isn't even fathomable to me. The thought of the loan that goes with such a endever makes my head spin.  So no I have no idea if we will ever buy a house, though I like to think so and I dream about it often.

You mean well, you care for me, but whats so wrong with what we are doing? The path God has lead us down? Who are you to compare my choices and situations and circumstances to anyone elses? Yes, my friends are all at different stations in life, and just because I don't appear to have what they appear to have doesn't mean I'm not right where I'm suppose to be right where God has placed us. It doesn't mean I'm not happy and complete. No, my life isn't perfect but I'm willing to bet you neither is anyone elses.

To the 20 somethings almost 30 somethings that are still in limbo, that have been for near a's OKAY you are not alone, and you're in the perfect position to go out and live LIFE. Take chances follow whims, be bold, have adventures, see the world and most importantly embrace what God has given you, and enjoy the freedom that comes with having no clue what you are going to do next. Because one day at a time, in HIS time God will get you to where you need to be.

So before you ask your single friend when they will get married or before you ask a young couple when they are going to have kids,  even if you are just curious stop long enough to think about the fact that maybe God hasn't gotten them to that point yet, maybe they are trying and can't and you could rip open a barely healed hurt. Conversation is one thing, asking about privet life altering decisions are another thing. Instead ask how the day went at work, ask how classes are going, what book you have read recently that you liked. Ask them what blessings God has placed in their lives recently. Inquire about a dream they have. Don't hold anyone EVER to the media saturated social norms of the time. People were not created to be the same, to be normal especially true believers.

"We were made for so much more then ordinary lives....we were made to Thrive." ~Casting Crowns~

Have a Happy day no matter where you are in this crazy thing called life!!

A 27 year old individual.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

The problem of Religion...and my beef with atheists but not the ones you think.

I've meet some pretty amazing, wonderful, kind people in this world. Some of these people were way more pleasant to be around then some of the "Christians" in my life.

Beware world, the Christian Atheists are taking over...and the atheists of the world are helping...

Nowhere does it say that believing in God makes you a better person, the act of excepting God is only the first step... it does not instantly change who you are, and what you are like, your habits, thoughts, or lifestyle. Hopefully it will lead to that eventually. Yet even I, a life long "Christian" still have a long way to go.

No, God gave us free will and even though the choices we make often hurt him he will not instantly make us the right kind of true "Christian."

there is a lovely little thing lose in the world called sin...and all the domain attached to it.

In the world but not of it.

On the other side of the matter nowhere does it say that not believing in God makes you a bad person. You don't need to except God to know to be nice to others, to know not to murder or steal. However, the reason for not needing God to know these things really comes down to the natural moral law written on everyone's heart and displayed all though nature by God since the begging of time.

Soooo maybe you really do need God to know these things after all (Boy can I hear my atheist or unbelieving friends now...) This however is not a topic I am knowledgeable enough to expand I digress.

This is the problem with Religion, and Religious people it was a problem even back in Biblical Times. The pharisees and Sadducees (the religious leaders of the times) the people that supposedly knew all the scripture and laws where just that


This is the problem with Religion, and often times religious people. It's a self righteousness, look at me and how good I am. Look at him and how bad he is. He doesn't read the bible he doesn't even
believe in the bible. This is the problem with is made up of people broken broken people.

Religion, Faith, and God....are all very very different things...and here is my beef  with Atheists and non believers....this seemingly inability to distinguish or acknowledge these differences.

Someone I know said "Religion is a drug" that it is fake giving of fake emotions, feels, and hopes."

 and my first instinct was to be like "HOW DEAR YOU"

But really though, this person is not far from the truth. If we as "Christians" and I use that term loosely right now have done nothing but prove again and again that we think we are better, that we are special because we have received the GRACE of God...then yes, we tend to show fake emotions, we tend to want to keep our "Religion" for the rush of blood you get when you think "Ha, look how much better I am then them"


If we as "Christians" continue to live in sin, and a lifestyle making choices that go against faith while saying: "I'm a Christian and look how good I am well what do we expect the world to think? Myself as a Christian have experienced this many times heck I'm even guilty of this very thing. Does this make them or me bad no means, just means that people are all at a different point in their faith walk then you or others. You see, everyone needs help and faith without works is dead.

The problem I have with "Christian Atheists" are when they stop trying...when they think saying they believe in God is enough..when their heart is not in it when your faith dies.

This is the problem with Religion...people

Because true faith, true love for not about the individual, and what the individual does, say's has done and will do. It's about he gift of grace given to that individual, it's what GOD has done for the's not about you or me or them....It's always about GOD and that is where Religion can fall apart...that is where Atheists can't understand true faith. It's where "Christian Atheists" fail

Atheist argue against God with their heads, and we argue for God with our hearts, were not even speaking the same language...we're not even in the same universe...but at least an Atheist is an Atheist through and through...

This is my beef with Christians that are really atheists.

I'm never going to understand this apparent need to PROVE God doesn't exist. I mean if you don't believe he does that should be enough unless you somewhere in your heart (probably that part written on by God) you doubt your belief.

Therein lies the difference between a person sure of what they believe in or don't believe in (however you want it)  it's not going to matter what others believe no matter what new facts, old history, myths, legends, or flaws you can find in the individuals belief system. I've no desire to PROVE to anyone that God exists.

I'll leave that to the Holy Spirit.

I also have no desire to brag about how good a person I am, or take swings at others beliefs to make me feel better about mine. I will share and I will witness and I wont force my beliefs on anyone. But there is a fire in me and I have every right to be respected and to voice my beliefs. Unlike much the world I'll do it out of love and not pride.

I'll leave that to the Holy Spirit as well.

 Yes, religion can be fake,.. people can be hypocrites... but God is very real and very active.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Life is Short.

   It's been soooooooo long, my husband has had a monopoly on the computer with his masters work, and I haven't been able to get my thoughts organized enough to post a blog. (nor am I entirely convinced they are organized now) Posting a blog on here from my Ipad is basically impossible. Between those two issues

it's been to long.

  I wanted to write about prayer, I wanted to write about forgiveness, I wanted to write about this new push to make all "god's" and my God the same...but they were all such big things...massive really so I wrote about nothing.

  A lot of people I know are in pain, emotional, physical, living on this earth is simply not easy. It's broken and we live in that harsh reality daily. I'm a fairly positive person.... at least I like to think so, (someone who knows me might read this and be like what are you talking about)...I use to complain a lot more then I do. Now when I complain I kinda get this little tug at my heart and I feel bad like I failed. (Like the other week when I had to work for an hour in the daycare apparently that was the end of the world...sorry...) but of course I failed..I'm human...

  Forgive the jumpiness of this blog, I should learn not to read my friends blog before I go to write mine.

  This past few days have been a little crazy, and not just for me apparently.

  We all know someone who is just never happy like never no matter what; the grass is always greener, the past was always better, everything is always terrible, they always have it worse then anyone else. It could be for any number of reasons life is hard I get it. Money is tight, I get that. To much work, need a break. Yes. Ah, but life is so so so short. Way to short to spend so much time so very very unhappy with it.  If you don't know anyone like that then maybe it's you.

Just sayin'

  Life is to short and we were made for so much more, our mind is a battlefield and outside of a medical or physic problem (and maybe even with) you have more power over your thoughts then you think and for those of us with faith well who knows what mountains can move.

  Life is short. This past week life ended for a couple of people I know one that I have spent a good deal of time around out at Cowboy Up...that person so full of life, so apparently healthy, so kind, so POSITIVE with no warning just gone....

    What if you went to take a nap and didn't wake up? What would people say about you what kind of feelings do you leave behind? (Because that could happen apparently) It's been a crazy week.

     I remember a few years ago, not long after I began working at Good Shepherds. I chose to battle complaining, and made an effort to consciously tally mark each time I complained in a day or even thought about a complaint. (what a miserable day I apparently had). It's been a good 2 and a half years since then and I know my complaining has dropped considerably. I'm to the point when other people do it I just want to scream at them. At one point I had to make a choice to distance myself from some of the negative people in my life, just so I could figure it out myself.  (I tend to feed of other's peoples mood at least i use too) There is a difference between needing to talk about something, about trying to work through and deal with something; And complaining about every.little.thing.that has, will or might go wrong. Seriously some people complain before anything happens. It's got to be exhausting.

  I'm a teacher, and I'm learning real fast what the energy I bring into the room does to the children. If I stand outside my door or wake up in the morning and groan that so and so is going to cry all day, or so and so is going to be terrible. Well goodness I'm defeated before I even step out of bed, or walk into my classroom. THE POWER OF THOUGHTS...

   The kids know if your in a bad mood, and they tend to mirror you mood, so be prepared for a bad day. It's as simple as that, fake it until you make it...who know that I would do that as a teacher.

   Life is to short to be miserable...I take comfort in knowing that my friend who is now with Jesus ENJOYED her life on this earth and the people she touched with her joy will remember her for it. ( I'm not really sure who is going to put up so graciously with my trying to learn a line dance without a lesson now but I'll figure it out.)

   I'm not saying you can't be's going to happen, seriously "shit happens" and you add other humans into your human equation and well it could get real ugly.... I'm not saying its necessarily wrong to complain..but at least try to think about it before you do it for some people complaining is as natural as breathing and they don't even know they are doing it. Nor do they realize the effect negativity has on the people they come into contact with.

  Maybe doing it on such a public front like face book isn't the best choice in the world either..(I'm such a hypocrite but I'm working on it...always working)...I don't know what is going on behind the scenes of some peoples life, I know mine, and it's not a cakewalk but its still wonderful because after all it's life...and it's all I really got and even that could be taken away (honestly I think I'm in shock)

Be aware of your words, start there get use to thinking about them and then work on your thoughts before they even become words...and who knows one day you day the world might be better for it...someday you are going to have last words. Chose wisely.

"from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks"  Luke 6:46

It's a beautiful mess... I'm a beautiful mess....thank you Jesus for your unending love and Amazing Grace.



Monday, March 17, 2014

The problem of Evil.

I'm not a philosopher, I'm not a theologian....I'm not really sure why I'm even attempting to write about this been thinking about it for well over a week.

Over a rough rough week I posted some Psalms on facebook, now I've had my fair share of rants about facebook and social media. I'm pushed more and more each day to just deleting it...that however is not the point nor the fuel for this blog post.

Psalm 37: 7- 9 aroused some interest among some of my non- Christian facebook friends. Sometimes they (unbelievers) comment of my status and it frustrates me because normally I post bible status for MY comfort or to strengthen and encourage other believers. To be questioned and challenged when obviously I'm dealing with challenges in reality well it's irritating, however I just ignored it and life goes on...

Yet I found myself thinking about the comment so here is the passage.

Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

Granted its only a part of the Psalm a very powerful Psalm...but only in part however this part lead to the question. 

"What is your definition of evil?"  (which I proceeded to ignore for a couple reasons, 1. at that point in my life it was not an important question. 2. it would be a worthless discussion. 3. I did not write that status to start a debate.

Luther, Aquinas, Nietzsche, Milton, Dante, Augustine...just to name a few, and still the question is struggled with to this day. To claim that one has it figured out to even claim that one of these are wrong is well pretty arrogant and basically like saying that you have figured out what the great minds of history did not. However, later on I found a status that responded to mine. (Nice to know people read it!) 

"Today's lesson; Psalm 37:9 - For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. Now there's two schools of thought on the definition of the word "evil" when it comes to people according to Christian mythology. One is: "Those who dedicate their souls to [the entity known as] Satan and commit acts in his name." In which case, only .09% of the world's population would be this category. I'd like to think most Christians would believe this school of thought. However, there's the other (more radical) thought which defines evil people as, "Those who do not accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior." I'd hope that most Christians do not follow this philosophy. Because if so, then they believe their version of Yahweh (who is supposed to be an omni-benevolent god) would condemn 68% of an entire planet's population simply because they don't believe in him. Nd if, people would willingly believe as such; that who is truly the evil ones here?"

Notice that this person used even less of the verse then I did...taking it even FURTHER out of context. I do not know where this person got the definitions of evil but those points don't matter and will be discussed a bit at the end. Nor am I going to discuss MY opinions of what evil is because that's all it is is opinions and honestly the question does not bother me. I have no problem excepting the fact that evil exists, and that God is good and only he knows why evil exists. 

   I'm hear to address the issue of Psalm 37...which was the fuel for the above status. Often people forget while reading the bible that though it's the living word and it is applicable to our lives today, it was written in a very different time and this specific Psalm written by David. David wrote this Psalm at the end of his life during the time Adonijah set himself up as king despite knowing the kingship was passing to Solomon. Going against not only King Davids wishes but the LORDS as revealed through the prophet Nathan.  He tried to steal from his king and from the Lord...and upon Davids death he planned to rid himself of Solomon and Bathsheba...  knowingly causing harm to others...just one of the many definitions of evil. Yet even then if you read the entire Psalm 37 you don't get the idea that it's God condemning evil people to hell its more of a trying to warn them of what could happen..I tend to get the impression that David needing encouragement himself and wanting to give some to his son Solomon wrote this Pslam in order to do just that. A warning to Solomon and other men of God at the time,  to not fret when it looks like evil people are succeeding in their ways and just what fretting, worrying, leads too...evil. As well as written for believers today the price you could pay for not trusting God to have your best interest in mind.

  Now the part focused on...

For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

In my translation the term destroyed is translated cut- off and this is another one of those times I wish I could read the original text..

Just as the Israelite that came out of Egypt never saw the promise land because of their disobedience and unbelief.. this Pslam reminds us that the same could happen to us even to this day. 

Wether it addresses heaven and hell, I don't know I'm not a bible scholar I can only assume at this point in Davids life the afterlife was very much on his mind. I know it does not define what Evil is and who is considered evil. That is not ours to decide I don't think...Nor do I think does the bible leave us much to use to understand Evil, what it is and why it exists and that God must have a reason for that.

But I'm not one to sling around the word "Evil" and to be considered "evil" because I believe God  condemns 68% of this planet because it has chosen to reject his hope and not fair nor correct. God does not wish to condemn anyone EVER.

Nor do I agree that one of the Christian definitions of evil is "someone that doesn't believe in God" This seems like a very extreme take on the word evil or maybe it's a poorly written definition . Lost yes, sinner yes, but no one deserves the label evil with out good cause. We just haven't finished our work here on earth yet if people haven't heard the good news, and the spirit hasn't finished working if after hearing the word it is rejected. The choice to reject is not in anyway a Christians fault...therefor, the soul that is lost when it rejects God's grace does not make me evil for sharing God's message in the bible...I'm evil because I am human... and I'm saved by grace. All I can do is share.

    Romans 3:23
    for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 
    1 Timothy 1:15
    Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.

There is so much to the word evil then a Webster definition or a Christian definition we could dive into the difference between moral evil, and natural evil  we could jump into all the different philosophers that studied it and in the end still have different ideas, thoughts, and opinions.  

So no I don't think you can define evil in a facebook status...or even in a essay after years of study. 
I figure if you read my status and get defensive maybe you have something to be worried about. If you read it realized you are weak, and need God and pull encouragement from the fact that even the great men of faith struggled at one point or another...then my status has served it's purpose.

 I don't mean to pick a fight with this post, nor am I angry I just felt like God has been moving me to write about it. 

These are just my thoughts and opinions trying to be shared with as much respect as possible.

P.S. Dear facebook friend who's status I used understand this was not an attack thank you for the fuel for my blog!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Why do you share what you believe?

I do not believe it is right to go at a persons beliefs with the soul purpose of proving them wrong. Or of proving yourself smarter, better, or even right. I don't care what the belief is... if it's what they are standing on if it is all that is holding them up...why do people feel the need to destroy it? Why not help improve it change it, why not show love....

This I think is one of the major differences between a true follower of Christ and an unbeliever sharing their beliefs and opinions.

 1. Someone with true faith and respect for fellow men will share what they believe and why without telling a person all they believe in is wrong, or a lie, or whatever to an extent. We can only share Christ word and love, then wait for the holy spirit to do it's work. We can not take credit for a changed heart or a saved soul...It's like the child asking for a reward for following directions. It's expected of us to spread the word.

2 Someone with true faith will in essence give a person something else to stand on, another hope then step back to let God strip away the rest...

3. There is no pride in showing and sharing your faith, it's not about you. At the end you should have NOTHING to brag about... It's about God's love it's about the grace, it's about how you are no better then any other person on the face of this earth. It's about the cross, it's about forgiveness, and if you share your opinions and beliefs with someone who believes's about respect NOT tolerance. It's about telling not judging even if what you have to say is hard for them to hear.

Maybe it's a difference in confidence. In another blog I read by Kevin A. Thompson he wrote about why that jerk at your office, that arrogant and rude status poster on facebook might really be lacking true confidence. They might doubt themselves and not even know it, they might be trying to convince themselves...They maybe be hurting. Kinda helps you get a new perspective.

   It takes a lot more confidence to NOT believe in the grace of God then it does to actually except God's grace.

To not believe, you have to have confidence that you are right , you afterlife will be fine. You can earn heaven or paradise or a good second life. Or you have to be confidant that there is not heaven hell or even any God at all  YOU have to do it all.

All while being so very very human.   No pressure.

Ah, but to be on the other side, to believe in God and his promises to receive his grace and forgiveness. It's a confidence with contentment..confidence with peace. When your content AND confident you don't have to destroy others systems and beliefs because they don't line up with just want to share your contentment your hope your are no better in anyway then any other...

It's this confidence with peace that builds up... it's why a Christian can walk away from a fight, Why we don't have to get angry when someone tries to destroy our faith. IT's why at the end of it all we can be told we are wrong and they can fight us with perfectly good reason and logic and we can say okay...and walk away still confident and peaceful. Not because we are blind, or stupid, or weak minded...but because we have peace with who we are and what we believe... Faith goes beyond reason...

So the next time you face that obnoxious person in our office, the next time you read that status that just makes you go really? before you respond to the person think about why you are responding. Speak kindly, instruct, build up but don't be scared to share the truth even if it's not what they want to hear, even if it goes against all that society says is acceptable ...with your words hope can live or die. And be prepared for them to walk away thinking no different then they did before.

Speak Life.