Life just won't let up.
I can't tell you how many status I've seen reflecting these feelings lately, how many people I've talked to or have seen in their faces the basic worn condition of the heart...it's everywhere lately and I'm not sure why or what battle is coming. All I can say is I know I have been acting according to how I feel, and not to how I believe.
I have not been very pleasant to live with, nor very understanding to other peoples pain. I have been selfish, angry, and defeated. I can blame it on stress, lack of sleep or what not..but what it comes down to is my thoughts. What I focus on each day. What my eyes and ears are taking in and my mouth is putting out. Oh I've written so often of the "power of words" No I'm not one to share all my strife with every person that happens to ask how I'm doing, I'm not posting my misery all over facebook but I am one to dwell on it...
I'm simply tired both physically and mentally...and when it comes down to it I'm tired because my priorities are all wrong. We talked about it tonight in community group. How easy it is to fall away to not necessarily forget our Lord but to forget to remember him. My time with the Lord has suffered because I am angry with him...and each time I feel like I've dealt with that anger it's shown to me again but slowly one step at a time until one day who knows.
... I've been blessed to have a safety net of community group, YP group, church, friends, and a pastor I can talk to about things...so that even though I'm angry I'm still placing myself in the word of God.
What happens when I move...?
that. question. terrifies. me.
Shouldn't God be enough? Oh the condition of the heart is so easily soiled the dragon lives in all of us...I feel guilty for being angry...and that guilt makes me feel unworthy, and like it's worthless to even try...all because I'm angry and selfish...I'm angry because I'm selfish and selfish because I'm thinking about me and not God.
How do you overcome?
spend time with your Lord as he promised to return his glory to Jerusalem if his people rebuilt his temple to honor him in that city again. It took them almost 20 years to actually get the job done..because just like me they were distracted, worn out, had their own agendas and fears. The Lord had to stir his people up, sending Haggie, and Zachariah to them to share his words...how lucky are we to have them already...and still how discouraged we are even holding the bible and God's promises for "hope and a future" for glory in heaven" in our hands...and find the nerve to say
Oh, the mind can turn from this to that and the world is lost in a heart beat.
Even Revelation can be a comfort to the believer. In a world where we are scoffed at...we know in the end Jesus wins. We know that our present sufferings are not worth comparing and that God can teach us to number our days aright.
Why is knowing so easy and believe so hard? Why is it even the strongest in faith can be so very very weak in the face of life. What is God trying to teach me, what is he getting me ready for? God is bigger then this, he's bigger then me....
No we are not alone in our anger, in our selfishness, in our unbelief, in our worries, pain, and fears. but we have to remember...it's not about us. I'ts not about bills, work, family, friends, or even our spouses. In the end it's about Jesus and the condition of our hearts. Examine your ways...do they reflect our Lord?
Lord, forgive my unbelief
I'm angry and I'm sorry,
I'm discouraged...and not content
I'm guilty...and still loved
a sinner and still forgiven
4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4~
Lord, forgive my unbelief