Dreams

Long time ago I had a goal in life to be a forest ranger of sorts and live alone on a mountain out west.

Then I went to college and realized how much I love my family and how much I love the close friends that I have..even if we don't hang out much and live all over the world.

Then I fell in love with line dancing....

then Kevin told me he liked me...

And then I couldn't get into a grad school because of my lack of knowledge and ability to do math and science...and I started second guessing my dreams...that maybe God didn't want me to do anything in conservation let alone forest ranger....

Fast forward to now...

I've married the love of my life...I live in city...I teach 3 year old's....and there is no where in this area to line dance...

It's hard sometimes to look at your life and other then being married; realizing how far you really are from your dreams...

Yet how much. My. Dreams have changed... And even in those changes how far I am from even them...Michigan, children of my own, sign language...I've got nothing.

All that said to say this. I don't like parties... Of any sort.... Jewelry, bridal, baby showers, drinking parties, Tupperware. That dream of living alone on a mountain...being a hermit..it's not that far fetched.  I would always rather stay at home clean, be with my husband though sometimes even that is a little much for me ( I love you Kevin), read, write and reflect...

I have reclusive tendencies...

Is it rude of me? It's not that I don't want to support that person, or be there for them or that I'm not happy for them.... it's just I don't like games, chit chat, and being uncomfortable.  I mean I've lost count of how many invites I have backed out of..once someone told me it was rude to do that, and in the same breath tell me they never have any time and are stressed out...that they feel rude and judged if they don't go...is something wrong with me? I don't have that problem.

I. Like. Having. Time.

To relax...I don't even know where my phone is right now....

I.dont.like.people.....I just don't want to NOT have the option to spend time with them. But if you dug into it...I like my family...I don't have to talk to them... I hang out with my few close friends...but not often....I like to line dance...but if you watch me at cowboy up I do little else but dance...I'm not there to socialize all night (yes a little I enjoy having my friends there)

I.dont.like.people.

I don't like feeling like I have to put on a show for people, find things to talk about. I don't have to do that with family and close friends..or the dance floor....

I hate the city....I love children, but they get worse year by year...sometimes the only thing keeping me here is Kevin...

And sometimes that scares me...

so in closing if I've ever backed out on your party...I'm sorry please don't hold it against me because it's nothing against you... Something might be wrong with me.

As for dreams, it's hard to not give up on some of them and others hurt to let go off...., but there is comfort in knowing that God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me...plans to give me hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah ~

I.have.to.hold.on.to.that.

otherwise....I'm nothing but a woman married to a great man with nothing but broken dreams.....

is my husband really what defines me in life?  what is becoming of my dreams? Why oh Lord am I here and what am I suppose to do???

Years that ask questions and years that answer them....Father, please let this be a year of answers...